


everything they say about me (probably true)

by DisasterSoundtrack



Series: Kiss The Ring [2]
Category: All Time Low (Band), Bandom, Waterparks (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Angels & Demons, Alternate Universe - Supernatural Elements, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Guardian Angels, Heaven & Hell, M/M, Supernatural Elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-27
Updated: 2019-11-28
Packaged: 2020-09-27 20:26:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 18
Words: 42,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20413798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DisasterSoundtrack/pseuds/DisasterSoundtrack
Summary: Awsten likes to think he lives his life with no regrets. It’s not like he’s regretting taking Elijah up on his offer to record a song together, because he’s not, it’s just that he wishes the avalanche of Bad Things that it caused didn’t happen. He wishes he could have held it all together somehow, miraculously.Most of all, he wishes he could have Geoff back. Every waking minute of every day.Things are going badly. LA is not exactly as advertised, Jawn owns seven tripods and Awsten still can't tell the difference between friendship and love.Oh, and there's demons after him. Again.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a sequel to [Kiss The Ring](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15176525) taking place six years later.
> 
> TL;DR for Kiss The Ring - Awsten almost dies after being targeted by a rogue demon Felony Steve, he is saved by Geoff’s guardian angel, Alex, and Jack the demon. Awsten and Geoff get together, happily ever after - or is it?

It starts on a Wednesday.

"No, nonono, Paul, you're not listening to me. Did you mishear me saying _ a once in a lifetime opportunity ?_ Yes - okay, Paul, got it. You already have a phone plan. Our new phone plan though - Yeah, fuck you too, Paul." 

Awsten hangs up the call that's already been disconnected on the other side, ripping off his headset and dropping it to his desk. Nothing like an absolutely infuriating customer at the very end of a work day - not like they all aren't absolutely infuriating, but Paul is a special case who usually hangs up just upon hearing Awsten's voice. They got a little further this time, just because Awsten tried very hard to put on his fake, honey-dripping I-will-be-nice-until-it-kills-me voice. 

But not even that gigantic amount of effort could convince Paul to change his phone plan. No commission for Awsten this time around.

“Yeah, that’s that for today. I’m done.” Awsten starts gathering his things into the backpack, more than ready to leave this shithole of an office.

“You can’t go, man, it’s ten to five,” whines Kellen from behind the plexiglass compartment on the right, rolling his chair back to look at Awsten. “You can’t keep doing that, there’s only so many excuses I can come up with for you. _ He’s getting water from the vending machine. He’s had a bathroom emergency, Jen, no, I don’t know why he took all his things with him to the bathroom either. His mom texted to tell him his grandma is in the hospital. He -” _

Kellen shuts up at a strange sound seemingly coming from behind Awsten’s computer. It’s a phone call. An_ incoming _ phone call, the screen informing them of the fact in thick capital letters, from a private number.

Their systems are not programmed to receive calls, only to _ make _ them.

“That’s impossible,” he whispers, the screen flashing like a shitty porn pop-up, Kellen fully rolling into Awsten’s cubicle and leaning forward on the desk, the ringing sound striking fear into Awsten’s heart. Other people would just laugh at it, write it down as a tech malfunction, maybe even something funny, a minor anecdote to tell the coworkers over their no-fat no-gluten no-meat no-dairy lunches, _ Remember when I had an incoming call even though we literally can’t receive calls here? That was weird. Kellen was there, wasn’t that weird, Kellen? _

Awsten though? Awsten remembers his family home suddenly catching fire in the middle of the night six years ago, and fear nearly chokes him. He remembers hearing the words _ angels, demons, Heaven, Hell, _ spoken with zero naivety and zero irony by two men who sort of became his friends even though they sort of weren’t allowed to really interact with him, until they disappeared off the face of the earth completely.

The screen flashes one last time and Awsten is quite sure he blacks out for a second. 

"Shit, man. That was cursed as hell," says Kellen, with no idea how close to the truth he probably is. The ringing stops, Awsten logs off with no regard for it being seven minutes until he’s allowed to go home, grabs his backpack and bolts out of the office, heart pounding into oblivion.

As he’s crossing the street in the sweltering LA heat, simultaneously rummaging in his backpack for sunglasses, a Toyota Prius narrowly avoids hitting him, but he doesn’t notice.

He’s got Airpods on.

*

Awsten can pinpoint the exact moment his life started going to shit. 

It was more or less two years ago. He was twenty one, working on the second Waterparks EP in Houston, excited about life and worried about the future, all of his hustling on Twitter finally paying off with some LA connections. 

A new friend from LA, Elijah, invited him to record a track together. 

Just Awsten. No band. 

Downhill from there.

Awsten likes to think he lives his life with no regrets. It’s not like he’s regretting taking Elijah up on his offer, because he’s not, it’s just that he wishes the avalanche of Bad Things that it caused didn’t happen. He wishes he could have held it all together somehow, miraculously.

Most of all, he wishes he could have Geoff back. Every waking minute of every day.

*

Jawn, as usual, is surrounded by boxes. 

He’s currently unpacking a new tripod - as if one photographer could ever need seven of them - cross-legged on the floor, the light absolutely perfect in the living room doubling as Jawn’s little studio. Golden hour, Awsten has learned. Jawn’s hair is lit up in vibrant red.

“Hey man,” he greets Awsten with a good-natured smile, even though Awsten is not the best roommate in the world, always slamming the door a little too loud and needing to be reminded to do the dishes at least every other day. Somehow, Jawn still tolerates him after nearly two years of this. “Chinese for dinner?”

“Jawn, I don’t give a fuck. I just had a near-death experience.” Awsten doesn’t even mean the Toyota Prius. With a huge sigh, he falls to the couch in the middle of the room, removing a box from underneath his butt, then grabbing a pillow to hold onto for mental well-being.

“Have you now,” Jawn says, monotone and disinterested, extremely used to Awsten exaggerating basically every waking moment of his life, but still turning around to hear him out. “What happened?”

“Well!” Awsten starts, excitement taking over fear. Jawn doesn’t believe in the supernatural, even though Awsten and Geoff told him the entire story of Felony Steve and Geoff’s guardian angel and hellhounds and other fucked up things that happened, and Jawn nodded, laughed, reacted in all the right moments and then asked them why they’ve been doing drugs without him. “You know the computer system I have at work, right? That’s only meant for outgoing calls?”

“Yup.”

“Okay, so get this: today, I had an _ incoming_.”

“No fucking way!” Jawn feigns shock, going as far as to cover his mouth and going comically googly-eyed. 

“Yes fucking way! Kellen was there, he can confirm. There was this creepy noise from fuck knows where and it rang for like a minute, also my screen went all weird and started flashing and then it just stopped.”

“What do you think that was? The Devil? Demons? Or maybe your shitty company making you work on outdated equipment?” Jawn teases, leaning in, elbows on Awsten’s knees and looking up at him sweetly like wants a kiss, but he doesn’t, it’s Jawn. He’s just fucking with him.

“You’re no fun, Rocha,” Awsten mutters, pushing Jawn away. “You’ll remember my words when I die tragically and they call you to identify my body, but there will actually be no body, just, like, a mangled bone or two, and my phone next to them.”

“That might still happen because you never pay attention crossing the street. So. Chinese for dinner?”

“Chinese and then Starbucks,” Awsten replies, still a little insulted. Jawn is one of those people that need to see and touch something before they believe it, and even though it’s valid, it’s also hella frustrating when Awsten is telling the truth, however unbelievable it might seem. “You’re buying because I’m baby.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just an intro, let me know if you'd like to read more!
> 
> I promise I'm gonna update somewhat regularly and not abandon it!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw drugs

People make choices.

You choose to be the person you are every day, each time you wake up. You choose to love the person you love each time you see them, talk to them, touch them. Free will is as wonderful as it is absolutely terrifying.

When you fuck up your perfectly good life, you must face the reality: your choices lead you there, and you’re the only one to blame.

*

_ “Don’t do this to me, Awsten,” Geoff said, the sadness in his eyes like two pools of water way too deep to swim in. The summer sun was burning the back of Awsten’s neck, his hands were dry, he was hungry and angry and Geoff’s been putting up a guard, Awsten was not stupid, he could see that. _

_ But he could also pretend not to see it. Safer that way. _

_ “Don’t do what to you, babe?” Awsten reached for Geoff’s hand, pulled it into his lap and held it there. Geoff wasn’t looking at him, lost in his own little world, staring at the flowers his dad planted in the spring that were now blooming. Awsten didn’t want to have this conversation. He didn’t want to save their relationship, he just wanted their relationship to be completely fine without any effort, and also he wanted a tall glass of lemonade he knew Geoff’s dad was making in the kitchen. _

_ “This. You know. Fuck me up, start a fight, leave me behind messy and crying and then come over the next day like everything is fine. It’s not, Aws. It’s always about you, never about us and I’m sick of it.” _

_ “You know I’m not doing this, like, intentionally, yeah? I just can’t help trying to convince you.” _

_ “Well, stop. If you’re here already, let’s have a nice time and just… not talk about moving or LA or Elijah or anything, okay? Let’s forget that fight and have it another day.” _

_ Awsten smiled wistfully, enjoying the fact that Geoff finally looked at him properly. The times when they inspired one another to be better people were gone; now they were just enabling each other’s bad behaviors. _

_ Geoff was defensive and avoidant. _

_ Awsten just wanted to demolish everything and build anew from carefully selected pieces. Geoff was the one piece he couldn’t let go of. _

_ Later that night, all filled up on lemonade, delicious food and Geoff’s love, snuggled up to Geoff in his bed, Awsten couldn’t really remember what their fight was even about. He was still in love, so in love after over three years with this boy and he was convinced he would sooner die than let that change. Drifting off to sleep, he wasn’t sure whether he could actually hear what the other man was whispering to him, or whether he imagined it. _

_ “Sometimes I worry that the only thing you really want is to run. That one of these days you’re just gonna leave me behind.” _

*

Jawn’s phone refuses to connect to the sound system in his car.

“Try again,” Awsten says, clenching his icy cold, venti latte in his hands. They still haven't left the Starbucks parking lot. 

“You think sixth time’s the charm?” Jawn asks, irritated. He already tried restarting both his car and his phone and even using the cable - still nothing. “It’s just not working.”

“Okay then. I’m gonna go ahead and suggest something weird so bear with me. Try it again without me in the car.”

Awsten steps out before Jawn gets even more annoyed. Jawn immediately rolls the window down, leans across the passenger seat and sticks his head out.

“Why are you - you know what, fuck that. I’m gonna check for the last time. Better get in unless you wanna Uber home.”

Petulantly, Awsten turns around and looks ahead, anywhere but at Jawn and his car radio. It’s just five seconds before he can hear music blaring from the speakers. 

With a winning smile he can’t hide, he climbs back inside the car. Jawn’s face has fallen.

“A coincidence,” he says, just as Awsten chimes in, “I told you I’m haunted!”.

“Weird that all your demonic incidents have to do with technology,” Jawn smirks, starting the car and carefully merging into LA traffic.

“You know what, fuck you, tripod boy. Better play some Ariana Grande and shut up, or I'll make you eat one of the billion tripods you own.”

“Can’t. I already have them all safely hidden up your ass.”

“You think that will stop me?”

*

Elijah is smoking weed. Then again, when is he not.

It’s Awsten’s lunch break and he probably shouldn’t be out getting a second-hand high. He definitely shouldn’t be in Elijah's car all across the neighbourhood away from his workplace in a random Taco Bell parking lot either, but who cares. If they fire him, they fire him. He already gave them enough reasons.

Whatever Awsten is feeling is not as bad as Kellen, whose shaky fear about losing his call center job is now diluted only by the fat joint between his lips. 

Elijah is way too persuasive for his own good. He’s the devil on both their shoulders, sitting there in a split and watching them make their lives an even worse mess than they already are.

“You’re possessed, then. Nice,” he says slowly, flicking ash out of his car window. “Come over in the evening, I have an Ouija board I always wanted to use.”

“No, Elijah, you’re not getting it. It’s real, and I’m telling you. There’s demons, and angels, they are real and I met some of them before, so I can _ actually _ be in danger here. A Halloween sleepover is not gonna help me, it can only make things worse.”

“What do you think an Ouija board is, a toy?” Elijah turns sharply from his front seat to look at Awsten, who can feel his stomach gurgling suspiciously after all the Taco Bell. “It’s a legit tool of darkness. It’s gonna work, trust.”

“Fine, fine, Jesus. I’ll come.”

“And I’ll lock myself up in my room and pretend you’re not trying to conjure actual demons,” says Kellen before succumbing to a coughing fit. 

“Nah, you’re gonna be there holding both our hands because there’s safety in numbers. You’re not gonna let your friends conjure spirits alone, now are you, Kel?” Elijah asks.

“I can ask Jawn if he wants to come,” Awsten interjects. _ Jawn has things to do, a life to live, people to see, he needs none of your shit, _a pesky thought appears, but Awsten shuts it up. “Four people should be fine, right?”

“Yeah, totally. Bring Jawn. And some candles. Maybe sage.”

“Where the fuck would I get sage from?”

“No idea, man. Maybe I’ll ask my neighbour Tabitha, I’m sure she can lend us some.”

Awsten knocks his rings against the windowpane mindlessly. Elijah has no idea what he’s signing up for. Kellen and Jawn are just gonna be collateral damage if something indeed happens during the seance. And Awsten has a major bad feeling that it will.

He trusts the bad feeling. So far, it has never failed him.

“Hey, Elijah?” Kellen speaks up, balling up greasy napkins in his fist, “could you fucking drive us back to our fucking workplace, please? Before we’re fucking fired?”

*

Old love is somewhat like a tumor. 

You carry it around, sometimes without even realizing it's there, and let it eat you from the inside. Spread to your vital organs. Soon, every word you say and every thought you have is tainted. It doesn't hurt anymore, not really, but sometimes it's just annoying. Always in the back of your mind. Keeping you from moving on.

Old love, however, is nothing like what Awsten's feeling for Geoff. 

Awsten's love is still very much alive. Still breathing, blooming, gleaming in the sunlight, carrying him through what he thinks is just a shitty transitional period of having a shitty job, doing shitty things, working hard on his music and not having Geoff around. Awsten is going to be successful, make a name for himself, make some money and then get Geoff back, no doubt about it. If he were to have any doubts, he might as well give up immediately, because he wouldn't be able to handle situations as shitty as this one. 

They're in the bathroom at work, and things are far from great. 

“Kellen. Come on, we’ve already been gone two hours, any longer and we’re gonna be ears deep in _ SHIT! _Oh, hi Nate,” Awsten greets another coworker exiting a nearby stall, who gives him a classic disgusted look reserved only for absolute freaks and losers, and continues pounding on the door that Kellen’s behind. Hopefully. If he hasn’t died yet. “Kellen, man, come on. Not funny. I’m gonna count to three and then leave you to your own devices, okay? One, two -”

“I’m scared,” Kellen cries from the inside of the stall, confirming that one, he’s alive, and two, he’s too wasted to be at work right now. 

Awsten sighs. That's just awesome. “Open the door, man. Just pull your pants up first."

The door opens and Kellen is on the toilet, fully clothed, limp and defeated with actual tears in his eyes looking at Awsten. "I'm scared, I'm so scared, Aws."

"Of what? Elijah's stupid Ouija thing? You know you don't have to do it, right?" Awsten crouches in front of his friend, gently taking his hand. He's _ so _ not qualified to talk anybody down from a bad trip, but he's got no other choice here. Elijah and Kellen should both fucking know better. Weed never mixes well with Kellen's medication. 

"Not - not that. Just - life. Everything. Terrified. Just so terrified." 

Real tears drop from Kellen's eyes to the floor and Awsten is definitely going to write a song about it, someway, somehow. "I'm scared too. All the time." _ Scared that I don't know how to love people properly. Scared that I'm a fuck-up. Scared that I'm going to die, for real this time. _"Nothing scares me like Jen does though, you know? And she's finally going to find out we've been gone too long. So would you rather her find you by your desk, at least pretending to be doing what they're paying you for, or here, high off your ass and crying like a wimp that you are?"

For a second, Kellen looks like he understands, and then he blinks. "You're - you're talking way too fast."

"That's - nevermind. Let's just go, okay? Wipe your eyes."

Awsten ends up drying Kellen's face himself, and then dragging his friend out of the stall. 

When they're finally, finally exiting the bathroom, something catches Awsten's eye and he turns to see a crack running diagonally across one of the mirrors.

He can swear it wasn't there before.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw blood

The place smells like incense and respiratory disease.

"Welcome, everybody," says Elijah, dramatically flouncing the blanket cape he's wearing, "to the seance. Please take your seats within the circle. Mind the candles." 

The lights are low and the candles are everywhere, but mostly concentrated in a circle in the middle of the living room. Elijah's boyfriend Sam is already seated within the circle, face expression like he's not being paid enough to be here, a camera in his hands and two more set on tripods outside of the candle circle.

"Kellen still alive?" Awsten asks, a bit worried after having sat next to him at work mere hours ago, covering for him as well as he could and making sure he didn't try calling any clients. 

"He's okay," Sam says, suspiciously eyeing the Ouija board already placed in the middle of the circle. "We think. He's been asleep since the Uber brought him back. Should we check on him? Babe?"

"I checked like ten minutes ago when I stole his blanket. He's fine. Drooled a little."

Awsten and Jawn take their places on the floor; Elijah even put down some pillows like he’s predicting they’re gonna spend a long, fun time chatting to spirits. Awsten’s feeling a bit sick.

Jawn needed some convincing to come to the seance, claiming he had a lot of photos to edit and he’s gonna have to stay up all night tomorrow to make the deadline. Awsten used his best puppy eyes and promised to do the dishes exclusively for the whole week, and when that didn’t help, he aimed low.

“You’re just scared some freaky shit is gonna happen again that you can’t rationalize with your perfectly rational mind. Like old times, remember?”

Jawn’s eyebrows rose. “Of course I remember.”

“Well then, come with. If some freaky shit happens, who’s going to be there to make us all see reason if not you?”

“That’s actually a valid point, you’re all stupid. Fine then, but you’re _actually_ gonna do the dishes for the entire week.”

That’s how Jawn was persuaded to be here, between Awsten and Elijah’s fire hazard of a blanket cape, sending Awsten a small reassuring smile. Awsten would love to think he doesn’t need to be reassured, but the truth is, he would be deeply unsettled without Jawn here, so he smiles back and even does a small thumbs up. 

“Everybody ready? Sam, are you filming? Alright. Let’s all join hands.” Elijah grabs Awsten’s hand enthusiastically, Jawn a bit gingerly. “We have gathered here,” Elijah’s tone of voice changes suddenly, dropping into something low and solemn, “to help our brother Awsten Constantine Knight on his quest of discovering the spirits that have been bothering him. Awsten, why don’t you state what happened for the record.”

Awsten can feel Sam making an extreme closeup of his face. “Well. There’s been a couple incidents lately. I got an incoming call at work, which was very haunted because the system I work with is not programmed to receive calls. My iPhone keeps glitching, even though it’s new. The sound system in Jawn’s car wouldn’t work while I was in the car, but started no problem as soon as I got out.” Jawn doesn’t quite giggle at that, but he makes a suspicious sound nonetheless. “I saw a dead fox on the street a couple days ago, oh, and also a bird sort of bounced off my head when I was walking home the other day. And there was a crack in the mirror when I was leaving a bathroom at work that definitely wasn’t there when I entered it.”

“And apparently this is not your first time dealing with issues like the ones you’ve just listed?”

“No. Although nobody - well, almost nobody - believes me. But an actual demon caused me to break my arm when I was seventeen, and then set my house on fire with Molotov cocktails.” Reaching back to his memories from six years ago, the Felony Steve-related mess is not even what Awsten remembers most vividly. What jumps out is the giddiness, warmth and safety of being in love and being loved back. 

Oh, how he misses that.

“Okay, guys, hands on the planchette now,” says Elijah in his normal voice. The three of them (Sam is busy filming) place their fingers on the wooden pointer on top of the Ouija board. The major bad feeling Awsten has been carrying around for a while now grows stronger, if that’s even possible. “Spirits, if you’re with us,” Elijah looks around the circle first, stopping on Awsten for a second longer, and then directing his gaze up to the ceiling, “please speak to us and reveal your names.”

The planchette starts moving almost immediately. Awsten honestly can’t tell if it’s Elijah or maybe Jawn fucking around, but he can swear it’s not him, so he stares at the piece of wood until it moves to the word ** _HELLO_ ** on top of the board. A chill runs down his spine, giving him goosebumps and he kinda misses when he could hold Jawn’s hand a minute ago.

“Hello to you too, spirit. Are you the one currently causing disturbance to Awsten?”

** _YES_**. The planchette moves again. Awsten looks up at Jawn, gently trying to ask with his eyes whether he’s moving it, but Jawn seems dead serious and refuses to make eye contact. Before Awsten can check with Elijah though, there’s a loud noise like something blowing up and maybe clattering down from somewhere inside the house. They all freeze momentarily.

“Should I go check what happened?” asks Sam, but Elijah shakes his head no.

“It’s the spirit, no need to check. We just have to keep going. Reveal your name to us, spirit.”

The planchette moves to the letter P, at least that’s what Awsten’s thinking before they’re disturbed yet again. “Hey, guys? Why is there no power? Also what the fuck, Elijah, are you wearing my blanket?” Kellen has ventured out of his bedroom and his ghastly appearance is made even worse by the scarce candlelight. 

“Wait, is there really no power? Did a fuse blow?”

“Maybe that’s what the noise was,” says Sam, who hasn’t stop filming for a second, taking his role of Youtube boyfriend very seriously. 

“Well, can you guys fix it?” Awsten asks, his head suddenly feeling heavy. Elijah has long let go of the planchette, so Awsten does too, sliding his hand on the floor Jawn’s way semi-consciously. Jawn’s warm palm lands on it almost immediately, the other man also leaning into Awsten slightly. 

“Can _ we _ fix the power?” Elijah and Sam share a look. “Of course we can’t, we’re gay. Shit, should we call someone?”

“Kellen, do you know where the fuse box is?” Jawn inquires before the situation escalates.

“Yeah, I guess,” Kellen replies, to which Jawn gets up and turns on the flashlight in his phone, resigning himself to the role of the only person in the house actually capable of fixing anything. 

“Good. Lead me to it.”

As soon as Jawn leaves with Kellen, the bad feeling Awsten’s been feeling turns into something extremely physical. 

“I’ll be right back, guys,” he mutters, jumping over clusters of candles and rushing to the nearest bathroom, lighting the way with his phone screen clumsily. He closes the door behind himself and leans over the sink, a waterfall of blood immediately leaking out from his nose onto the white porcelain.

That’s bad. Awsten doesn’t get nosebleeds, he can’t even remember the last time he had one. It’s a strange sensation that makes his head spin, knees weak as he’s holding onto the edges of the bowl-like sink, the blood still flowing. He remembers he has to keep his head down from the first aid training, so he does, but he’s blanking on what else he can do to help himself. So he waits it out. About ten minutes in, when he thinks it’s over, he dares to step away from the sink and the blood flows out onto his t-shirt. 

Well, fuck. 

A couple minutes of bleeding later, when he’s trying to clean his face and shirt in the little amount of light available, still close to the sink just in case, a soft knock on the bathroom door sounds off. 

“Awsten? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, come in.” 

Jawn steps inside and flips the light switch on, illuminating the bathroom and revealing the full scope of damage Awsten’s done.

“We fixed the - Holy. Fucking. Shit.” Carefully, Jawn steps closer to Awsten and regards his face, frowning. Now that Awsten can see himself in the mirror properly, it doesn’t look great. The shirt he’s wearing is pale blue, so every single drop of blood that fell onto it is visible. There’s red stains on the mirror, the floor and the countertop, and the sink’s a total mess. Awsten’s face though -

“I look like I’ve been trying to eat somebody out during their period,” he says, careful not to laugh and trigger another waterfall. Jawn smirks, but seems too tense and freaked out for anything more.

“Is there a medical reason why you might have gotten a nosebleed that bad?” Jawn asks, making an attempt to clean Awsten’s face with wet wipes. His presence is weirdly calming; even if they’re both scared, they’re scared together, which is better than being scared alone.

“There isn’t. At least not that I’m aware of. I’ve been to my checkup last month and everything was fine.”

Jawn doesn’t reply, but his face flashes with strange emotions that don’t fit with his usually sunny disposition. “Look, if you don’t want the guys to know I can -”

“No, no, it’s fine. Just help me clean this up, alright? Elijah’s probably gonna say we have to finish the seance properly. Say goodbye to the spirits and shit.”

“Yeah,” Jawn admits, wiping the blood from the floor while Awsten cleans the sink. “Let’s just do it as quickly as we can and then go home, okay?”

*

They drive back listening to voice memos Awsten plays from his phone, not even trying to turn Jawn’s car stereo on. It’s nearing 1 AM and Awsten’s deliberately not looking into dark street corners they’re passing.

It’s not even a bad feeling anymore. At this point, he’s convinced something’s wrong.

Jawn sits down on the couch when they get home, hands between his knees. “Will you answer me one thing, absolute honesty?”

“Sure, yeah.” Awsten sits down too, grabbing a bottle of kombucha from the fridge first. “It’s not like I ever lied to you anyway.”

He means it; Awsten's not proud of lying to Geoff and Otto back in the day, but he did. He lies to his parents constantly. He never lies to Elijah and Kellen, because they are a part of a new chapter in his life and there's no need. The only people he never lies to because he _ never wants to _ are Jawn and Travis.

“Did that really happen? Whatever you and Geoff told us back in high school? The shit about Geoff’s guardian angel saving you from a demon who was after you?”

“Did y’all think we made that up, or?”

“I don’t know what we thought, Aws. It was like, you and Geoff just started dating and were suddenly telling us this insane story which we first thought was a joke, but then you were continuously serious about it and expecting us to believe every word. I’m not sure about Otto, but Travis and I basically agreed it was an elaborate ruse and decided to politely ignore it.”

Awsten knew that ever since, but it still stings to hear it, even after all these years. “Well, we meant every word. The guardian angel’s name was Alex. He looked like a normal dude, twenty-something, but then he showed us his halo and wings and he didn’t look like a normal dude anymore, you know. He worked with Jack, they were a couple, and Jack was a demon on a mission to capture the demon that was after me. Well, not really after _ me _, but after my guardian angel. I’m not sure, it was pretty messy.”

“So when you broke your arm -”

“That was because my guardian angel wasn’t around to prevent it. Apparently any and all accidents happen for that reason. The angels being neglectful and so on.”

“So either you have a shitty angel again, or demons are messing with you?”

There’s no mockery to be found on Jawn’s face, not this time around, so Awsten breathes in for what feels like the first time today. “Do you actually believe me?”

“I really, really want to say I do.” Jawn runs his hands through his hair. “But I’m not ready yet, I think. I’m just admitting there’s too much I can’t explain rationally, and it’s frustrating.”

“Imagine how frustrating it is to _ know _ that’s all fucking real and then have your best friends look at you like you’re bonkers.”

“I’m sorry. Fuck, I wish I could turn back time and maybe have you show me some proof while it was still possible.”

“Well, you might see some proof this time around! Who knows.” Awsten grins, even though there’s no joy to be felt. “Just stick around and you might see wonders you’ve never even dreamt of.”

“Stop it,” Jawn laughs, punching Awsten’s shoulder. “It’s very hard for me to say fuck you to the rational part of my brain, appreciate my struggle!”

“I am! I am appreciating the hell out of it.”

Awsten can still taste the blood in his mouth when he gets ready for bed, even after he brushes his teeth. Jawn’s in bed already, a laptop on his knees and Awsten knows that even if he claims to have tons of work to do, he’s probably just browsing Reddit.

“You okay?” Jawn asks, seeing Awsten loitering in his doorway, so Awsten just decides to tap into his little bitch self for a moment.

“No, not really, I’m pretty sure I’ve been metaphorically punched in the face by a demon like two hours ago, so no. Still a little shaky.” Awsten pauses when a response from Jawn doesn’t come. “Do you think I could sleep in your bed? With you? I kinda hate the thought of being alone right now.”

“Sure, yeah, jump right in.” Jawn makes room for Awsten, moving himself and the laptop aside. 

Awsten tosses his phone onto the bedside table, grabs for the softest pillow and wraps himself in a blanket. “You on Reddit?”

“Not anymore.” Jawn shuts the laptop and puts it away, diving under the covers as well. “I’m -”

“Don’t say you’re sorry again, I can’t bear that.” 

“No, I was just gonna say -” Jawn finds Awsten’s hand on the pillow and takes it into his own. It’s kind of nice. “I was just gonna say I’m here, in case any demons want to get you. There’s so many boxes in the living room they’re probably gonna trip over something before they make their way here.”

Awsten chuckles a bit. Jawn has a knack for making things either a little better or so, so much worse. “Goodnight, idiot.”

“Night.”

This isn’t the first time they’re sharing a bed; hell, they used to sleep on one mattress for weeks after they first moved to LA. This isn’t the first time Awsten ends up clinging to Jawn’s back throughout the night in desperate search of warmth and safety.

This time, though, it feels different somehow.

And if Jawn is aware of the clinging, he doesn’t give Awsten shit about it in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you'd like to know what the fuck happened when Awsten was in high school, read [Kiss The Ring.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15176525)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw panic attack(s)

_ “Don’t go,” Geoff said, holding Awsten by the wrist, effectively stopping him from going through airport security. There was hustle and bustle around them and Awsten was yearning to be a part of it somehow, because right now he was feeling separated. He needed to sit down, look out the airplane window and sort out the mess in his head. _

_ “I spent a lot of money on the tickets, babe, I have to go,” Awsten replied, trying to smile wide enough to make Geoff smile too. He failed. “Besides, it’s just ten days. I’ll be back before you know it.” _

_ “Yeah, I know. I just - I know it sounds stupid, but I have a feeling that you won’t be the same person when you come back.” _

_ “Geoff.” Awsten took Geoff by both hands, moving him aside so they wouldn’t block the stream of people approaching security. “I’m doing this for us, yeah? I’m going to write music with Elijah, but it’s still going to be _ our _ music. Whenever you and Otto can get to LA we’ll already have something to build on. We talked about this. We need clout, yeah? We can keep trying, record another EP that five hundred people will listen to and play community center gigs, we can, fuck, I don’t know, spend your entire salary on printing flyers and it’s still going to be less effective than someone who’s already moderately popular promoting us on their social media. You know all of that, right?” _

_ Awsten wasn’t lying. Awsten knew Elijah was going to ask him to feature on his song by himself, and Awsten was going to say no. _

_ He was going to say no. _

_ He was. _

_ “I know. That’s okay. I’m sorry. I know you’ve been trying very hard, I’m just tired, I guess. I’m tired and ready for something to happen. I wish I could go with you.” _

_ “I would love nothing more.” Awsten leaned in for a brief kiss that Geoff returned, making it not so brief. Years from now, it was going to be one of their kisses Awsten remembered the most vividly for some reason. _

I’m unhappy_, he realized then. _How the fuck do I change that?

_ “Alright. Go before I start crying. Come back though, okay? Promise? I’m gonna miss you like hell.” _

_ “I’m gonna miss you too. Tell Otto to brush his hair every now and then, yeah?” _

_ Geoff finally laughed. Awsten counted it as a personal victory. It gave him an intense, momentary flash of joy. _

_ “I love you.” _

_ “I love you too.” Awsten allowed Geoff to kiss his forehead and then let go to finally get through security and to his gate. He was so nervous his stomach hurt the whole way to LA. _

*

If the Apocalypse was tomorrow and the whole world collapsed on itself, Travis would most likely still be there for Awsten, even if he’s currently more or less fifteen hundred miles away.

“So, what you up to?” Awsten asks, still buried in his bed, eyes not properly open yet, even though it’s close to noon. 

“Writing, Awsten, what the hell do you think I would be doing on a Sunday morning? You?”

“Just, you know. Sleeping, I guess. Not leaving the house in case any demons are out to get me today, same old.”

“So, no music?”

Travis was a self-appointed guardian of Awsten’s career. Whenever Awsten didn’t feel like doing shit, or whenever he was straying, he could count on Travis being brutally honest with him, ranting about lost potential and wasted money, providing a much needed cold shower.

“I didn’t have time lately,” Awsten admits shamefully.

“Right, because demons.”

They chat idly for twenty minutes about everything and nothing until Awsten braces himself to do the shitty thing. “Look, I know I promised not to involve you in the drama.”

Travis sighs. They do this regularly and it always ends the same, with Travis refusing to say anything. As he should. “Please keep the promise. I’m basically begging.”

“Just tell me how he’s doing, alright? I haven’t asked in, what, like two weeks?”

“Actually, maybe even longer… Look, Awsten. I just don’t want to be the bearer of bad news.” Travis sounds a little different this time, like he doesn’t want to keep a secret anymore. Awsten wishes he could see him for a second, until he brilliantly realizes Facetime exists. He balances his phone in his hand precariously extended upwards.

“What bad news is there? Travis?”

“Oh, hi. Good to see you too.”

“Stop it, now I’m panicking, dude. Is Geoff okay?”

Travis looks around like he’s checking if someone’s listening, even though Awsten is sure he’s alone, and then looks him in the eyes through the screen. “Geoff… Geoff got himself a girlfriend. He’s been keeping her to himself mostly, so I don’t know her yet, but it’s - it’s a fresh thing. Like a month, maybe?”

Awsten is not going to have a panic attack over that. He’s not, he’s not, he’s not. 

His breathing gets all weird, but he’s okay. Holding it together.

Jesus fuck.

“Are you dying? Because I was gonna upload all your demos then, so I’m gonna need your current password.”

“I’m okay, man.” Awsten’s throat feels tight, the words forced. The world’s not ending. It’s just a girlfriend. It’s not a wife, not a fiancée even, just a stupid girlfriend. Geoff had one before and dumped her for Awsten. He sits up in bed, running a hand over his face, collecting his thoughts, but it proves impossible. “I’ll be fine. I think.”

“That’s cool. For what it’s worth, sorry. I can only imagine how it feels. I wish I could hug you.”

“Yeah, I could really use a hug right now.”

They don’t speak for a minute or two. Since he can feel the panic attack coming like a freight train, Awsten tries to ground himself. He takes a deep breath, then another, then another. Feels the texture of his pillow. Focuses on the weight of the blanket over his body and the way light splits, entering through his window and crashing against his ceiling.

His body is like a prism for the light to go through. Instead of a rainbow though, a whole bunch of nothing comes out on the other side. He’s a void that swallows everything up.

“Do I deserve this, Travis?”

Travis is quiet for longer than usual again. “Are you asking whether Awsten Knight who abandoned his band and boyfriend and left to chase fame in LA deserves it? Or whether Awsten Knight, my best friend since childhood who stood up for me when I got bullied in third grade and who kept lending me money when I couldn’t afford Capri Suns at lunch deserves it?”

“The - the second guy.”

A small smile appears on Travis’s face. “He doesn’t deserve that, not at all.”

*

Awsten tries to make music, that's the thing. He really does.

It just never comes out quite right. Most days he ends up recording voice memo after voice memo and wishing he had someone to bounce ideas off of by his side all the time.

Heartbreak makes for great music, he tells himself, sitting down by his keyboard, the notes in his head unraveling themselves only to shatter to pieces at his fingers and Awsten realizes he's already been heartbroken for years, he was just in denial.

This isn’t gonna help.

He plays for a while, records it, scribbles out some lyrics but the image that’s the clearest in his head is Kellen crying in the bathroom, so he writes about that, keeping the Geoff stuff at bay for an hour or two until he’s somewhat satisfied, sends the recording to Travis and decides he can’t breathe anymore.

He needs to get out.

The weather seems to change a mere minute after he steps out of the building. The wind picks up, wrecking Awsten’s already messy hair, making him put a hood on, but he keeps walking. He doesn’t quite know where to, but he just needs to _ go. _

Walking doesn’t bring quite the relief he’s looking for, but at least it gets him further from the desperation that threatens to overwhelm him.

Sometimes Awsten considers the possibility that his happy days are behind him. A photo of him and Geoff from like five years ago is framed and on his bedside table, but Awsten doesn’t even have to look at it anymore, he remembers every pixel that makes it up; Jawn took it when they all went to Disneyland together the summer after high school. Happiness was such a natural state then, now it’s like a memory that refuses to pale, that haunts him, that makes him crave the same feelings again and again.

Maybe he can’t get them back. Maybe not only does he have to let Geoff move on, but he needs to move on himself.

Holy fuck. 

The thought makes him sit down. There’s no bench anywhere nearby, but there’s a stone ledge he drops down on, grabs at his chest blindly, letting out the cry that he didn’t let out during his phone call with Travis.

He weeps for a while, gasping for air until his lungs hurt, cars passing him by and nobody reacting because this is LA and everybody sees much weirder on the daily.

Two years. It’s been nearly two years since he last saw Geoff, since they last spoke, and it hasn’t been a nice conversation. He’s been feeding on a delusion for two years already. How much longer can it sustain him for?

Some bastard drives by and honks at him. That brings Awsten back to reality, and the reality makes him reach for his phone to see he missed a text from an unknown number fifteen minutes ago. 

**Unknown:** _YOU DESERVE SO MUCH WORSE_

In hindsight, Awsten is proud of himself for not tossing his phone onto the street and fucking running right then and there. He stares at the text stupidly, the wind messing with his hoodie, quickly texts Travis his current passwords and starts running back home like he’s going for a record.

Before he gets there, his face is covered in sweat and tears, he has cramps everywhere and his feet are most likely bleeding. He kicks off his shoes, carefully locks the door and all the windows in the apartment, checks for Jawn - still gone, but he posted an Insta story from a photoshoot merely ten minutes ago - and heads straight for Jawn’s bed, where he buries himself under a mountain of blankets, waiting for the fear and the pain to pass him by.

It doesn’t.

He loses track of time. Maybe three hours, maybe fifteen minutes later he hears a thud of Jawn’s equipment bag in the living room and then the door shuts.

“Awsten? Are you home, meme fiend?” Jawn’s in a good mood. Was he on a photoshoot, or was it a date with Daphne disguised as a photoshoot? Awsten isn’t sure, but it’s right there in his voice; he had a good day. 

Jawn’s good day ends upon finding an Awsten-shaped pile of misery right in his bed. 

“Should I call an ambulance?”

Awsten shakes his head weakly, grabbing back the covers. His feet might be bleeding onto Jawn’s sheets. 

“What should I do, then?”

Unable to speak, Awsten unlocks his phone and pushes it into Jawn’s hands.

“Alright… you have… five pretty panicked texts from Travis?”

“Text him that I’m fine and not dying,” Awsten croaks. “Then look at older texts. Unknown number.”

“Right.” Awsten can see Jawn frowning, typing quickly and then scrolling through the phone. “Oh, shit.”

“I’m cursed, Jawn. I’m fucking cursed. It’s all because I’ve hurt Geoff, it’s all my fault, and now he’s got a new girlfriend and I’m never getting him back. I _do_ deserve so much worse. I do.”

Jawn keeps looking at the phone until he doesn’t anymore, climbing up the bed and pulling Awsten into a hug with no hesitation.

Jawn’s warm and solid against him. He smells like air outside, like proof that the world still goes on outside of Awsten’s temporary misery, and it makes Awsten burst into tears again. 

“Shut up, shut up, oh my God, you’re going to be fine. I already blocked that number. It’s okay.” Jawn uselessly smooths Awsten’s back up and down while Awsten clings to him, crying into his sweater. “I’m sorry about Geoff. But you’re not cursed. We’re all human. We all make mistakes. You still have a lot of time to fix yours.”

_ What if I don’t? What if I already blew all my chances and I’m going to hell as soon as I step out of this apartment again? What if I don’t even get to tell Geoff how much I love him for the last time before I die? _

Awsten cries for a long time, until he feels like there’s nothing left inside of him. No tears, no pain, no fear, nothing. He needs to start moving again, so he gently pushes Jawn away. The other man untangles his fingers from Awsten’s hair, and looks down on his own sweater with visible disgust. 

“This is soaking wet! Gross.” 

Jawn jumps out of bed to change while Awsten starts picking up pieces of himself slowly. His brain is gradually coming back online, supplying him with an idea that seems like a stroke of genius in the haze that he’s in.

“Did you ever watch _ Supernatural _?” he asks Jawn, who’s currently pulling on a clean t-shirt. 

“A couple episodes with you, when you were binging it.”

“_A ring of salt will protect you. _”

“Sorry?”

“Salt! We need salt! Demons can’t step over salt or some shit, so if we spread like a line of it by the walls and doors and windows I’ll be safe. _ We’ll _be safe.” Awsten nearly starts jumping. This is fine! He can still fix everything, put a middle finger up at the dark forces, go to work, get paid, publish his music, get Geoff back. He totally can.

Jawn scratches his chin, just looking at Awsten. “Will that make you feel better?”

“Hells yeah.”

“Okay.” Jawn’s hesitant, but carefully optimistic. “I’m gonna drive to a Seven Eleven and buy all their salt.”

“Cool! I’ll research some amulets for myself while you’re gone. I think I need one. And be quick, unless you want to come back to see me having my ass eaten through a straw by some spawn of hell.”


	5. Chapter 5

Awsten is only fifteen minutes late for work. Which he counts as a success, considering he spent a lot of time trying to convince Jawn to drive him, and then waited even longer for Jawn to get ready.

“No worries, Jen’s late too,” Kellen says from his cubicle. “I logged you in ten minutes ago. Not on time, obviously, that would’ve been an overkill.”

“Thanks, Kellen, you’re the man,” Awsten smiles, patting Kellen on the back before sitting down in front of his computer. He hates this job just as much as he always did, but at least it gives him a semblance of normalcy. “Are you doing okay?”

“Yeah, dude, I’m fine. I slept it all off. Thanks for helping me out that day, I really owe you one. Oh, also I swore off drugs now so hey, team sober?” Kellen raises his hand for a high five. Awsten fist-bumps his open palm. 

“You literally live with Elijah, how long do you think you can last?”

“Honestly, if I make it a week I’d be proud of myself. That guy is such a bad influence.”

“Yeah, shame that he would literally kill you if you said no! Like he does to me. I only have one of my nine lives left at this point,” Awsten clicks his tongue.

“Yeah, shame.” 

Awsten rolls his chair to the desk to find a velvet pouch of some sort resting next to his keyboard. “Hey, what’s that?” 

Kellen’s putting on his headphones to finally start the daily grind. “Elijah said to give it to you. An amulet, I think. He said not to touch it because that would taint it or something, I don’t know, he’s a cryptic fuck. Yes, Joanne! Hi, this is Kellen Schneider from Better Solutions speaking…”

Carefully, Awsten opens the pouch, which smells like sage. The amulet, hanging on a thick leather strap, is a flat, silver medallion, engraved in a language Awsten doesn’t know, with a couple lines forming something that’s not quite a star in the middle. It weighs heavy in his hand, charged with energy he doesn’t recognize. “You better fucking work,” Awsten mutters as he puts it on, letting it dangle among his other, meaningless necklaces. 

"Good morning, Ellen, how are you? This is Awsten Knight from Better Solutions speaking, and today I'm calling with an offer you can't refuse…"

It’s ten past five and Awsten’s already on his way home when he gets another message from a different unknown number.

**Unknown: ** _ Wednesday, 6:42 PM. Watch your back. _

*

Jawn’s playing Mario Kart when Awsten gets back.

“Hey, everything okay? Weren’t you supposed to text me?”

Awsten doesn’t reply, so Jawn pauses the game, drops the controller and turns to him. “Awsten? Jesus fuck, you look like a ghost.”

“I just got another text.”

Awsten just can’t anymore. His life might end two days from now, but he’s here, sitting down on the couch next to Jawn like it’s just another afternoon. His heart is pounding, his head is spinning, Wednesday is looming like the finale of a horror movie and he wants to throw up and just leave his body behind and move on to better things. 

That is until he looks at Jawn, really _ looks _ at him, and sees the solution right in front of his eyes. Something that might make things easier. Better. But also ruin literally everything.

Jawn is staring at the text Awsten showed him. “Okay, that is fucking stalking. Maybe you should go to the police with it.”

Awsten doesn’t really hear him anymore though. "Do you wanna have sex?"

Jawn doesn’t even look up from the phone. “Who with?”

“Me, obviously.”

"Yeah right." Jawn laughs joylessly, handing the phone back and finally regarding Awsten with a sarcastic expression. 

"No, man, I'm being serious.” Awsten folds one of his legs to sit on it, and grabs onto Jawn’s naked forearm with both hands. Jawn has such nice arms. Jawn has such nice everything, he's always had, if Awsten’s being honest. If he ever wanted to know what’s it like to be equally terrified for your life and horny, he knows now. “I just had my life threatened. I clearly need a distraction and this is the only thing that I feel could help me now. _ You _ are."

"Come on, Aws. You can't say things like that."

“Why not?” Awsten knows he’s being obnoxious, but he reaches out to touch Jawn’s hair. He’s too close for it to be platonic anymore. He already got this far, so he might as well go all the way. “I know you’re not straight. At least not completely. That would be such a waste.”

“That’s - no. That’s not the problem.” Jawn suffers through eye contact with Awsten, proving himself to be just the brave man Awsten thinks he is.

“What’s the problem then? Is it your girlfriend? Is it Daphne?”

“She’s not my girlfriend,” Jawn replies, breathing out a little shakily. Awsten’s not sure if he should start hating himself now, or if he still has some time. “We went out once, that doesn’t mean she’s my girlfriend.

“Well then? I might die soon. Let’s have some fun. Let’s get off together so I don’t think about dying.”

Awsten is basically in Jawn’s lap at this point. Jawn places a hesitant hand on Awsten’s hip. "Maybe you should ask somebody else."

"You're my best friend! Who else can I ask?!"

Awsten doesn't want to ask anyone else. He's had his string of meaningless hookups after Geoff and didn't like any of them, didn't feel good. Or rather he did, but it lasted only through the orgasmic bliss and then left him dirty and regretful. It won't be like that with Jawn, will it?

“Can’t we just play Mario Kart instead?”

“Do you somehow live in a world where Mario Kart is better than sex? Because damn. Take me there, Mario Kart must sure blow fucking minds in that parallel universe.”

Jawn closes his eyes for a moment, like he’s having a deep think about everything he knows and doesn’t, like he’s accepting the reality in which Awsten is being serious about this. “You promise you’re not having me on?”

“Cross my heart.” Awsten actually places a palm on his heart. He’d really appreciate more action and less words right now.

“You know what? Fuck it.”

“Fuck it?” Awsten repeats hopefully.

“Fuck it.” Jawn grabs Awsten by the nape of his neck and pulls him in with almost violent enthusiasm. 

It knocks the air out of Awsten’s lungs. He spends a second regaining his metaphorical footing, deciding to switch his brain off and let his body take the wheel. Maybe he wasn’t ready. He didn’t know what to expect, he hardly ever thought things through properly. Jawn has facial hair, and it scratches against Awsten’s smooth face. Jawn has teeth that he’s not afraid to use. Jawn has so much more physical strength and coherency than Awsten, who’s immediately a little intimidated and very turned on by it.

For a second, Awsten regrets they haven’t done it sooner, but then he wouldn’t have this moment.

Awsten’s pressed into the corner of the couch, kissing Jawn back, trying to pull his shirt off. When they separate to throw this particular item of clothing away, Jawn hovers above Awsten, dark eyes, hands everywhere, reckless now. “So, what are we doing?”

“I thought we could just, like. Jerk each other off? Or blow, if you’re up for it. Nothing crazy.”

“Right, right. Okay. Just for the record though? This is insane.”

“I don’t know, man, I was starting to like it until you fucking took me out with all the talking. You’re not supposed to discuss what kind of sex you’re going to have. It’s just supposed to _ happen. _”

“Fine. Shut up,” Jawn effectively shuts Awsten up with kisses down his neck and then gentle bites along his collarbone, eventually palming his dick through the fabric of his jeans.

Awsten might as well come in his pants like a teenager, because his best friend, shockingly, knows how to touch him _ just _ right. When Awsten finally manages to get the zipper open and get all the fabric out of the way, it’s even better, even if Awsten’s minorly uncomfortable with the arm of the couch digging into his back. 

It’s okay. He focuses on Jawn’s hand, strong and capable but gentle all the same, running up and down his dick. Jawn kind of gives up on kissing him, settling for just looking at Awsten’s face, so Awsten tangles his fingers in Jawn’s hair and pulls just to see what’s going to happen. 

Jawn groans. His eyes close briefly and his hand slips. Awsten pulls a little harder. Jawn groans again. 

Okay, Awsten is really going to come embarrassingly soon if that continues, he’s thinking until Jawn collapses against his collarbone and Awsten realizes he’s fucking _ laughing_. 

“Dude, what is wrong with you? What’s so funny about my dick?”

“Nothing, nothing, oh my God. It’s just,” Jawn giggles, only managing to confuse Awsten further, “it’s just that I really want to blow you but I realized I have no idea how to do that properly. So. Sorry about that.”

Oh. That’s something Awsten didn’t take into consideration, especially with Jawn at least semi-succeeding at doing everything he ever sets his mind to.

“That’s okay,” Awsten replies, running his hand down Jawn’s naked chest and to the hem of his jeans, sliding his fingers underneath. Jawn’s skin is warm and sun-soaked. “I can teach you. If you want.” 

Jawn bites his lips, diving in for some more kisses like he’s trying to find some courage. Awsten kisses back with a little less desperation, trying to be more seductive this time around. While he does that, he manages to unbutton Jawn’s pants and pull them down, along with the underwear. 

“Not bad,” Jawn declares, grazing the side of Awsten’s jaw with his teeth. 

“Right?! I can be so smooth sometimes.” Immediately after complimenting himself, Awsten finally gets to touch Jawn’s cock. He takes time, feeling the weight of it in his hands, embracing its warmth and enjoying the way Jawn shudders at the touch and moans again. Fuck, he needs to hear more of these moans. He will do anything.

“Teach me,” Jawn finally whispers, giving Awsten a full body shudder, and Awsten knows exactly what he means.

“Okay. Move.” Awsten pushes him away so he can get off the couch and drop to his knees. It’s a total mess - he’s still wearing the hoodie he came from work in, hot and sweaty underneath it, his open pants are sliding off his ass but he’s still not thinking about dying on Wednesday, which was kind of the goal. 

Jawn hesitates on the edge of the couch, extremely practical in the way he’s taken all his clothes off. Awsten tries to remember if he’s ever seen Jawn’s penis before, in a non-sexual situation, but his brain is too dumb right now to provide him with this info. It doesn’t matter. It’s like he’s seeing it for the first time anyway. “Should I stand up? Or sit? Or -” 

“I don’t care, just come here already.”

Jawn does, and Awsten finally gets to take him into his mouth. He closes his eyes, lost for the entire world, only present in this very moment. He can feel Jawn scrambling for anchor, grabbing Awsten by the shoulders first, then his neck, then his hair. Awsten spits, helps himself with his hand, goes deeper.

_ Come on, moan for me. _

“Shit, Awsten,” Jawn cries out, the muscles of his thighs that Awsten can feel under his hands flexing. Awsten smirks to himself; he knows he can do a couple things in the world right, like write a catchy song and give a good blowjob. He’s happy to be bestowing this particular talent upon Jawn, out of all people and finally, finally getting him to moan.

The sounds Jawn makes only cause Awsten to be more enthusiastic. He picks up the pace, turns the intensity up to eleven, swirls his tongue just so with each move. Jawn’s holding himself together, mostly, but everyone has their breaking point and Awsten’s apparently led him to it, because Jawn’s hips rise from the couch a little and he starts fucking Awsten’s mouth, softly at first, making sure it’s okay, and then quicker when Awsten gives him the green light with a nod of his head. 

“Awsten, I’m-” Jawn tries to say something right before he comes, but he ends up biting his own hand not to scream out, while Awsten looks up at him innocently and swallows everything, wiping his mouth in an obscene, exaggerated way after. Yeah, okay, that will do it. Jawn might lose the control of his legs, but he’s still in control of his brain enough to pull Awsten on top of him on the couch, bring him close and start kissing him.

“Just touch me, I don’t need much right now,” Awsten claims desperately, his body all hot and bothered and wired up, there’s Jawn’s hands on him again and he gets to become pliant, tipping over the edge quickly, making a mess and probably giving Jawn a minor bruise from biting into the flesh under his ear. 

Jawn’s good throughout it all, still holding him close, wrapping his nice, strong, beautiful arms around him to help him come down.

*

“I thought you were going to teach me. You know, let_ me _ do it. It’s not like I’ve never gotten a blowjob before. I’ve just never _ given _ one.” Jawn’s on the couch fully laid down, dressed again, looking positively exhausted and a little dishevelled when Awsten comes back from the bathroom. His cheeks are almost as red as his hair. Awsten likes that. 

“Oh, shit. I didn’t think like that. Sorry, I guess?”

“There’s nothing to apologize for.”

“Look, if you’re down for it, I can properly teach you. Next time.”

It’s a tall order, Awsten knows. It’s an assumption Jawn is going to want to do it again, it’s an assumption that he liked it, it’s an assumption that this is more than just a one time, desperate, please-distract-me-from-my-upcoming-death thing. 

It’s presumptuous. 

“Yeah, why not,” Jawn replies, causing a small, fragile bubble of happiness to inflate inside Awsten’s chest. He’s not feeling any remorse. He’s feeling - good, actually. A bit hungry. He sits down on the floor by the couch, finding his phone to be relieved he hasn’t gotten any more creepy texts, just some Twitter notifs and a meme from his sister.

“What are you thinking about?” Jawn asks, reaching down to ruffle Awsten’s hair mindlessly.

“Nothing, actually. Head empty, no thoughts.”

They waste a couple minutes this way, scrolling through their phones in companionable silence until Awsten’s stomach rumbles loudly, reminding him he hasn’t eaten since lunch.

“Wanna order food and play some Mario Kart?”

“Yeah,” Awsten replies, knowing there’s still two or three hours of bliss before Jawn disappears to finally do some work. “Can I sleep in your bed again tonight?”

“Sure. But this time, I get the good pillow.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave me a message if you love and/or hate me


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw major blasphemy

_ Everything Awsten ever wanted to do was with Geoff. He wanted to have a career with him by his side. He wanted to love and be loved and known, see the world, have a lot of money, maybe start a family at some point. With Geoff. Geoff was untouchable by anyone else, he could do no wrong, he was the sun Awsten's planet spun around. _

_ He wasn't everything Awsten ever needed, because he needed a lot of things, but without him, nothing had quite the right flavor. _

_ Love was never enough for Awsten. _

_ Maybe it should have been. _

_ When the plane touched the tarmac in Houston, Awsten knew the consequences were waiting for him, and they were going to be hard to swallow. _

_ He wasn’t ready. _

_ The song he made with Elijah went online just last night. Geoff and Otto haven’t texted him since then. Full on silence. Their silence was very loud. _

_ There was no Geoff waiting for him at the airport like there was supposed to be. There was Gracie, looking like she crawled out of bed specifically for this occasion. She stood on her tiptoes to hug Awsten extra hard. _

_ "I'm so proud of you, bro. You don't even know how much. But this is gonna be so fucking difficult for you." _

_ She drove him without much talking. Awsten asked to be dropped off at Otto’s garage where he had a feeling bordering on certainty the boys were. “Wish me luck, G.” _

_ Gracie squeezed his hand briefly, giving him a tight smile. “You did what you had to, right? Hopefully they understand.” _

_ The boys were both in the garage. Awsten couldn’t really bear to look at Geoff, so he looked at Otto instead. He seemed a little pissed off, but this man’s emotions were always just a land of confusion for anyone who tried to read them. “Awsten. This is an intervention,” he started, but didn’t finish because Geoff was in Awsten’s face a second later, pushing him on the wall, grabbing him by the front of his jacket. _

_ “Whoa, whoa, what the fuck,” Awsten struggled to stand straight, pushing himself off the garage wall a little to gain leverage, but Geoff was taller and stronger than him and fueled by his anger. _

_ “Our music, huh? _ Our _ music? Breaking ground for our band so we can finally have our big break? You’re so full of shit, Awsten, I don’t even have words for you.” _

_ Awsten didn’t know what he was expecting. Geoff was breathing in his face, his hands still fisted in Awsten’s clothes but not in a hot way, and his bright eyes almost went translucent. _

_ “It’s not - it’s not that easy, you just don’t say no to an opportunity like that! You would have done the same thing if you were me!” _

_ “No, I wouldn’t! Otto wouldn’t either! Because we’re not assholes with our heads filled with bullshit, and because we don’t tell straight up fucking lies to our friends and loved ones!” _

_ “Geoff’s kinda right,” Otto claimed from the periphery of Awsten’s vision somewhere. “Of all the shitty things you’ve been doing lately, this one’s by far the worst. It’s not even a good song either.” _

_ Awsten didn’t reply. He prepared so many things to say while he was on the plane, he almost wrote out an entire speech and it was reasonable, logical, heartfelt even. If he were to be on trial in front of a jury, he’d be his own defense attorney and win hands down. But right then, faced with Geoff’s blank wall of anger, disappointment and heartbreak, he had nothing. He was guilty. He promised them one thing: not to make a song without them. He broke the promise. _

_ “I’ve given up so much because you had this impossible dream that you’ve convinced me could be reality,” Geoff said, a little teary. “I haven’t gone to school, I haven’t started a proper career, I’m stuck delivering pizzas, living at my parents’ and making music with you just because I believed you, just because I love you so much I apparently can’t see the world clearly.” _

_ “Geoff, I’m - it doesn’t change anything, we can still make our music and we can -” _

_ “No, Awsten. No. Fuck you.” _

_ Geoff would’ve fared better with a dramatic exit, but he had to wait for the garage door to roll up before he could storm out. Awsten watched him disappear into the night, his heart breaking for the first time. _

_ Such a horrible feeling. _

_ Like a ghost, Otto appeared by his side right then. "You guys are my best friends and I love you both, you know that, right? But Geoff _ loves _ you. How the fuck would you do something like this to him, man? Fix it." _

_ Awsten was going to. With Otto’s blessing, he left the garage and was going to catch up with Geoff and try to talk to him again, calmly. He really was going to. _

_ But when he looked out onto the street, Geoff wasn’t anywhere to be seen, so Awsten just turned the other way and went home. _

_ He needed some sleep. _

_ * _

“Alright, will anyone tell me what the hell this is?” Elijah asks when Jawn opens the door for him and Kellen. 

“Awsten will. Mind the salt line.”

“The what?” Kellen inquires. Apparently, he didn’t watch _ Supernatural_.

Awsten’s sat on the floor, a giant cross in his hands, a possibly Slavic amulet dangling on his neck, white candles set on the table and the windowsills. He is surrounded by a circle of salt. “Did you bring the sage?” 

“I did,” Elijah tries to hand the sage branches to Awsten, but he shakes his head.

“Give it to Jawn. He needs to smoke out the entire apartment. Keep the windows closed. Kel, while Jawn is saging, would you do me a favor and check if the salt line along the walls is unbroken? Jawn, you double check when Kellen’s done.”

“Okay, this is fun.” Elijah sits on the floor next to Awsten and pulls out his phone. Awsten knows what it means, and he can’t agree to that, not this time.

“Please, no recording tonight. This is for real. I need you to take this seriously.”

Elijah doesn’t have half a serious bone in his body, but he’s gonna have to try. 

“Are you seriously haunted? Is this still going on?” Kellen yells from Awsten’s bedroom. It’s getting hard to breathe in the apartment from the smell of sage and candles everywhere; some of them are, unfortunately, scented. 

“I am seriously haunted. I got a text message to watch my back tonight at 6:42, and you guys are my defense line.”

“Hold up.” Kellen comes back from the salt inspection, joining Elijah on the floor. “What if we don’t want to be? Aren’t we, like, in danger by proxy? Because that’s uncool.”

Kellen’s totally right, and his fears are valid. But on the other hand, Awsten can’t quite imagine going through this alone. He needs his support system.

“You guys are my friends. I’m terrified for my life and I have no one else to count on, okay? It’s happening in like ten minutes and I don’t have time to explain the entire backstory to you. Maybe later, if I make it out alive.” 

That effectively shuts Kellen up and makes Elijah put his phone away.

“Be glad he didn’t ask you to steal holy water from a church,” Jawn says, putting out the sage in the kitchen sink. “I had to bring it home in a Gatorade bottle. That made for an interesting morning adventure.”

“You got holy water too? That’s awesome. So we have protection against both pagan and Christian demonic forces. You’re also safe if any Monsters of the Week from _ Supernatural _ try to get you,” laughs Elijah, touching the ring of salt around Awsten.

“Better safe than sorry,” Awsten mutters, slapping Elijah's hand away. “What time is it, Jawn?”

“It’s 6:37.”

“Can you pass me my phone?”

Awsten just needs to send one text. Just the one, and then he’ll be ready to face whatever is coming. 

Geoff has blocked him years ago, but last night Awsten set up a fake Instagram account that Geoff accepted into his followers. As morally low as it might seem, it’s currently Awsten’s only chance to tell Geoff about his feelings before he possibly maybe dies.

**Awsten:** _I LOVE YOU. ALWAYS HAVE, NEVER STOPPED. IF I DIE TONIGHT I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW. YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE FOR ME._

He sends the message, takes a shaky breath. Travis knows the passwords. Gracie salted their parents’ house on Awsten’s request. He’s surrounded by friends. He's as prepared for death as he ever will be, which means not at fucking all.

“Alright, everybody get into the salt circle with me and take my hands, please. Jawn, Kellen? Elijah, you have the most threatening aura and also know the most about evil spirits, so please stand behind me and put your hands on my shoulders.”

It’s still bright and sunny outside. The flames of the candles dance, or at least that’s what it looks like to Awsten, but maybe that’s just because Elijah nearly runs to his place behind Awsten’s back, way too excited for the occasion. 

The other boys comply quietly, their degrees of disbelief varying. “It’s gonna be fine,” whispers Jawn, holding Awsten’s right hand in both of his.

“How much time do we have?”

“A minute now.”

Awsten listens to his own heart, beating away a crazy melody. His brain decides to supply him with half a decent song hook right there and it’s like he’s staring irony in the face. _ You wanna write that song? Do you really wanna write that song? Well guess what, bitchass, you won’t ever get to. _

Like out of nowhere, the room goes dark.

Awsten doesn’t even feel fear anymore; it’s like he’s dying. He’s paralyzed and wants to scream watching a dark mass of clouds / wind / possibly evil energy gather outside the living room window, blocking the light, powerful enough that the glass starts to shake. 

“Christ on a dick bicycle, _ what the fuck?!” _exclaims Kellen on Awsten’s right, hurting his hand with how hard he’s squeezing it.

“_Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name,_” starts Elijah when all the candles go off in the same second, the dark mass behind the window growing, spinning in place and throwing itself at the glass, but not getting inside. “_Thy kingdom come; thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread_, and FUCKING TAKE THAT, YEAH, IT’S A RING OF SALT, YOU PUSSY DEMON FUCK, GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!”

The ground shakes. Maybe Awsten’s imagining it. He can’t keep looking any longer, so he closes his eyes and tries to fold himself into Jawn’s chest. He can hear more than see Jawn picking up the cross from the floor and shielding Awsten with it as he holds him in a tight embrace, Kellen and Elijah closing ranks around them, chanting some psalm Awsten vaguely remembers from when he went to church as a kid.

It’s over as soon as it has begun. 

As if by magic, the ground stops shaking and the whooshing noise from outside the window disappears. When Awsten dares to open his eyes, the sunlight is back again, the apartment is unchanged and the four of them are still pressed close together, Jawn holding a cross in his hand like an exorcist.

Awsten feels a horrible headache incoming. 

“Did we just defeat an actual, honest to God fucking demon?” asks Kellen in disbelief. “I think I’m gonna puke. And we didn’t even record it? Elijah? What kinda Youtuber are you?”

Elijah is looking at his hands which are shaking nearly as much as the window was shaking a minute ago. “The kind that needs to have a smoke immediately if he doesn’t want to have a heart attack, I think. Excuse me guys, I’ll be on your roof, getting high. When I’m back, I want to know the entire backstory. Every detail of it.”

“I’m gonna join you as soon as I’m done throwing up.”

Kellen locks himself in the bathroom while Elijah leaves, taking the cross from Jawn “just in case”. Awsten realizes Jawn still hasn’t let go of him.

“Are you alright?”

“I’m gonna have a killer headache.”

Jawn smiles and the smile turns into a grin, and then full-blown laughter. “Holy shit. That really just happened. And we didn’t even use the holy water.”

Awsten survived. The reality of it hits him just then, it’s already past Wednesday 6:42 PM and he’s still kicking. Something _did_ happen, but he managed to protect himself, and maybe he can keep doing that. That’s something he’s gonna have to figure out. Later.

“We just saved my life,” he tells Jawn, who nods, losing the war with his own disbelief. “Thank you.”

“Anytime. But I feel like we just lost at least five years of life each.”

Maybe, but they’re still alive _ now, _even if they’re still seated in a ring of salt and won’t ever get the smell of sage off their bedsheets, and Awsten can sneakily kiss Jawn, who makes a small, surprised sound, but then kisses back, pressing his fingertips into the side of Awsten's jaw, savoring it like they have all the time in the world. 

They don’t, because Kellen exits the bathroom, clears his throat, shakes his head at them and then says, “You guys carry on, I’ll be on the roof doing drugs with Elijah.”

*

**Awsten:** _Hey, Alex_

**Awsten:** _ I don’t know if you even use this FB account anymore, but if you see these messages, please reply _

**Awsten: ** _ I think demons are after me again _

**Awsten:**_ I’m really afraid I’m going to die  
_  
**Awsten:** _Could we meet in person? Please. I live in LA now_


	7. Chapter 7

When Jawn suggests celebrating successfully surviving a demonic invasion, Awsten imagines a huge mountain of Thai food and perhaps some novelty Fanta flavors. But then again, whatever Jawn has in mind is so much better, because as soon as Awsten comes back from work and the door closes behind him, he’s pushed against this very door, Jawn holding him by the shoulders and pressing a kiss to his neck. 

“That’s a warm welcome,” Awsten mumbles, Jawn’s long hair all over his face.

“Can I?” Jawn reflects, inches from Awsten’s face. 

“Don’t stop on my behalf,” Awsten replies, tipping Jawn’s chin up for a long, devouring kiss. Clothes fly off, adorning different pieces of their living room furniture including Jawn's boxes, and Awsten has a fleeting thought that his life has never looked more like a music video than it does in this moment.

He's making out with his sexy roommate in a messy, passionate haze. The said sexy roommate is currently unbuckling Awsten's pants, letting them drop to the floor. 

Okay, maybe this is a bit more gay porn than music video, but still Awsten's still digging the fantasy.

They stumble through the apartment in nothing but their underwear, stopping to laugh when Awsten has to untie his shoes.

Surviving Wednesday gave Awsten a bit of an ego trip. He went to work by himself and came back with no fear, having soaked his amulet in holy water and hung a small, silver cross his grandmother once gave him right next to it. He was also carrying a packet of salt in his pocket, hoping the police won’t search him, because it looked a tiny bit suspicious. He’s still carried by the energy of this ego trip when he spills lube over Jawn’s fingers and lets Jawn finger him, giving out gentle, but firm instructions. Jawn has good fingers though, long, but not too dainty, and his nails are always short and clean. He’s doing well, even if he’s only just learning.

Awsten’s spread on the bed (he insisted on no couch this time), straining not to touch his own dick, trying not to look at Jawn because it would make him want to touch his own dick even more, the sensation of Jawn’s fingers inside of him keeping him on edge with thoughts of wanting to replace the fingers with something else.

He can only handle so much of that. “Okay, alright, I think I’m good. You can fuck me now.”

Jawn hesitates, like he’s surprised by what Awsten’s saying. But he can’t be, can he? “Do you actually want me to?”

“Dude, of course. This was just the prelude. Now give me the good stuff. Come on.”

If Jawn’s having second thoughts, it’s kinda too late for them now. They both know the deal. Jawn was the one ambushing Awsten with kisses by the door today, proving he wants it just the same as Awsten does. Proving that something has changed between them, and they have to get used to living in a world where it did.

Jawn fumbles to take his underwear off.

“Just sit by the headboard, okay? We need a condom and more lube. No, fuck, that’s too much - okay. There. Are you nervous?” 

“No,” lies Jawn, “maybe. I don’t know. A little?”

“Well, you can relax now. I’m gonna do all the hard work from now on,” Awsten promises, grabbing both of Jawn’s shoulders, aligning his body so he can slide himself down Jawn’s dick. “It’s just me. We’re okay. We’re okay,” he repeats like a mantra until he can’t talk anymore, just moan incoherently. 

It’s been too long. It hurts, but it hurts just enough to be the kind of hurt you miss. Awsten’s head swims with it. He tries to adjust to the feeling, keeping still, eyes closed, but Jawn breathes loudly and Awsten has to look. 

He’s breathtaking. Hell, he's so breathtaking Awsten might go blind.

Head clouded by the ecstasy of the moment, Awsten leans in to kiss Jawn, quickly realizing the other man might be a bit too out of it to kiss back. “You good? Because I’m gonna move now,” Awsten warns.

“Shit. Yeah, okay.”

“And you’re not allowed to come anytime soon, I wanna have some fun too.”

"I'll do my best. But it's -" he groans when Awsten makes the first move, "it's not gonna be easy."

Jawn grabs onto whatever Awsten’s got hanging around his neck with one hand, the other wrapped securely around Awsten’s back, holding him close as Awsten bounces up and down, providing Jawn with a good, exaggerated moan with each movement. He’s faking it a little at first, until he realizes he doesn’t have to, because Jawn finds the rhythm and starts moving along with him, hitting the right spot repeatedly. 

Awsten’s going to fall apart. He scrambles to hold onto the headboard, his hands quickly slipping until he’s holding Jawn’s face in place and looking him in the fucking eyes, and fuck, he might as well go for it. 

“Good?” Jawn asks, one hand now firmly planted on Awsten’s ass.

“Good, yeah, you’re great and you’re making me feel amazing, just - shut up. Don’t talk.” Awsten presses his face against Jawn’s, foreheads smushed together, a finger on Jawn’s lips to keep him from talking, even if it’s actually Awsten who talks way more between the two of them.

Awsten tries to remember the one night stands he had, but they all blur together in his mind. Jawn must be doing _ something _ differently from the others, but Awsten can’t quite figure out what, especially with each thrust almost sending him off this earthly plane. 

He waits as long as possible before finally touching his own cock; he only does that seeing Jawn’s movements become less and less coherent and his grip on Awsten’s back tighter, nails drawn into skin. He’s not going to last either, not like this.

“Aws, I’m-”

“It’s alright. You can come now. It’s alright.”

Jawn hides his face between Awsten’s collarbone and his neck, breathing out in quick succession, letting out a curse or two. Awsten can feel the way his muscles tense underneath him to finally relax seconds later, which is when Jawn raises his head to capture Awsten’s mouth in a long, slow kiss. Awsten really wants to join him, wherever he is, so he lets himself go, the waves making his body shake. 

*

“Hey, Awsten?” Jawn tries to find Awsten’s hand, probably, across the ocean of bedsheets, but fails and eventually hits him in the thigh. It's hot in the room, the window is open and their neighbors are watching _ Love Island_. 

“Hmm?”

“So that was kinda great.”

“Kinda?” Awsten takes offence, rolling from his back to the side, needing to see Jawn’s face while he’s being insulted.

“Alright, no _ kinda_. It was great.”

“Now that sounds like a compliment more fitting for my proficiency in the bedroom department,” he says, making Jawn scoff.

“Your what? God, you’re ridiculous.”

“Way to ruin the moment, Rocha.”

They spend a minute or two just breathing, close, but not quite touching. Jawn’s pillows have a fading red tint to them from his bleeding hair dye. They’re going to look just the same tomorrow morning, whether Awsten wakes up in this very bed or in another, and it's messing with his head so bad he almost wants to cry. _ I need to stop fucking my friends. _

“Jawn, I need you to promise me something.”

Jawn, alarmed, props his head up on his elbow to look at Awsten. “I’m not sure if it’s a good idea.”

“I don’t care. I just need you to pinky swear that this, whatever we’re doing right now, that this won’t ruin our friendship. I don’t want to -” he wants to say, _ I don’t want a repeat of what happened with Geoff_, but this is different. They’re not seventeen and stupid anymore, they’re just stupid. Awsten simply wouldn’t be able to handle another loss. He wouldn’t. “I don’t wanna lose you. I can’t.”

“You won’t.”

“Are you sure? Because if this,” Awsten gestures vaguely to their naked bodies, “if this needs to stop for our friendship to survive, then let’s stop. I’ll try my best.”

“It’s fine, Awsten,” Jawn says, but he’s looking away and rubbing at his forehead. “I’m not a child. Stop being so dramatic about all of this.”

“Okay. I will. Maybe. No promises.”

Awsten is feeling tired. All the dopamine and oxytocin have already left his body, he’s also at the end of the power trip from not letting the demon in, the fear slowly starting to creep back into his heart. He’s back to mindlessly staring at the ceiling when Jawn says, “Answer me this, though, will you?”

“Yeah?”

“Geoff was the only one who really knew what happened back in high school, right? I mean, the only one of us who saw it with his own eyes, along with you.”

“That’s correct.” Awsten’s not sure whether he’s liking the direction this conversation is going in. 

“Is that why you’re clinging to the idea of him so hard? Is that maybe why you still feel like you love him, even though it’s been years at this point?”

“I-” Awsten doesn’t know. He’s momentarily rendered speechless, looking for the answer, but there isn’t one, because love is not a rational feeling like Jawn would want it to be, love is a mess, a travesty, a joke and Awsten will probably never make sense of it in his life. “Do you believe in soulmates?”

“Not really,” Jawn answers with some hesitation. “Do you?”

“Well, I used to.” Awsten smiles bitterly, remembering how it felt. “I was sure Geoff was mine. That we were connected by everything that happened to us, that only _ we _ knew of. That we were bonded forever.”

“Okay, that makes sense.”

“I know, right? But now I’m kinda like, maybe I was wrong. It’s hard to admit it, even to myself, but maybe I should just let go of that idea and, you know, just live a life again. Without this constant thought that everything I do will somehow lead to getting Geoff back in the end.”

“That’s mature of you,” Jawn replies in a tone Awsten can’t read.

“It would be, if I knew how to do it.”

They listen to the distant sounds of _ Love Island _ until Awsten remembers. “What about our pinky swear?”

“Okay, fine,” sighs Jawn, sitting up, looking lowkey amused. He would be less amused if he knew how bad his hair currently looks. “Should we, I don’t know, say something? I’d go for the classic _ bros before hoes _ but I don’t think it really fits our situation anymore.”

“Uh, I don’t know. Friends forever? Unbreakable bond?”

“Unbreakable bond,” Jawn agrees, hooking his pinky around Awsten’s. “That’s metal.”

*

Awsten’s at work, mentally preparing himself to make another call when his private phone lights up. An unknown number is calling him.

“Oh fuck no.” He grabs the silver cross and the medallion from Elijah in between his fingers and starts whispering a prayer, waiting for the caller to give up.

They do.

Immediately after, though, a text message arrives.

**Unknown:** _It’s Alex. Pick up_

“Oh fuck yes,” Awsten mutters, quickly getting up from his desk, dropping his headset and nearly running to the bathroom. He’s just closing the stall door when he receives the second call.

“Alex? Is that actually you?”

“Awsten, hi. Listen. I don’t have much time.”

“Talk to me.” Awsten sits down on a toilet lid, his loud heartbeat causing a hum in his ears.

“Just answer me yes if any of the things I’m gonna list happened to you lately.” Alex speaks in an authoritative, decisive tone. “Unexplainable weather phenomena. Technology freaking out on you. Minor medical emergencies unrelated to your general health. Fresh food spoiling out of nowhere. Animals attacking you for no reason.”

“Uh. Yes. Yes to nearly all of them.”

“Are you home right now?”

“No, man, it’s 3 PM, I’m at work.”

“Go home immediately,” Alex says like it’s the only sane idea. Awsten is now more afraid than he was before. “Take a day off, pretend you’re sick, I don't care, just go home and take public transit. Don’t walk, don’t drive, don’t have anyone pick you up. Don’t get delivery food unless someone you trust brings it over. Basically don’t interact with anyone you don’t know from now on.”

“Holy shit. Is it that bad?”

Alex hesitates. “It’s all just precautionary. Do you live alone?”

“No.”

“Okay, that’s good. Text me your address. We’re coming over tomorrow. Stay put until then, alright? I’ll text you further instructions.”

“Alex, wait,” Awsten interjects desperately before Alex hangs up, “what about Jawn, my roommate? Is he in danger too? Can he leave the house?”

“Safer if he doesn’t. I gotta go, Awsten. See you tomorrow, okay? Text me the address.”

Awsten’s heart is looking for an escape route from his chest. He concentrates on breathing, because the only other option is never, ever leaving this bathroom stall again. He feels as if the walls are closing around him already. 

“Fuck.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is Awsten gonna die and how much is it gonna hurt? give me predictions below


	8. Chapter 8

_ It didn’t happen immediately. Actually, it took weeks, maybe even months to happen. _

_ They patched things up, badly and messily, but still. Three days after their big fight Awsten found himself in Geoff’s bed again, waking up together like nothing ever happened, after a night spent trying to learn Geoff’s body by heart just in case and making a hundred promises he really intended to keep, at least in the moment he made them. _

_ “I’m sorry,” he whispered into the pale skin of Geoff’s shoulder blade, warm to the touch of his lips. “I’m so sorry. I made a mistake, and I’m so, so sorry.” _

_ “It’s okay,” Geoff replied, turning in bed to look at Awsten with his eyes filled with impenetrable sadness yet again. “Don’t say you’re sorry. I know you don’t mean it.” _

_ “I-” Awsten was lost for words, and to say he was confused would have been an understatement. Geoff was running his fingers through Awsten’s fading blue hair, delicately, like Awsten was a wild animal bound to be spooked any second. “I didn’t-” _

_ “It’s okay,” Geoff repeated, giving Awsten a focused look, followed by the sweetest kiss to the forehead, then his nose, then, finally, his lips, and Awsten allowed himself to melt into it, even if it felt wrong on so many levels. _He doesn’t trust me anymore.

_ It seemed like Geoff’s already made a decision, and whatever this decision was, it was going to end badly for Awsten. _

_ They went back to work on their music. Between jobs and college classes they only had so much time to actually do anything, but that was something they were used to. What they weren’t used to was the complete lack of chemistry between them. Geoff was melancholic and defeated, Otto practically stopped speaking, and Awsten was just… unhappy. _

_ He was deeply, existentially unhappy. The kind of unhappy that made him lie in bed and stare at the ceiling for hours whenever he was alone, avoiding all human contact. Food was devoid of flavor, music didn't bring joy, every task required huge effort. His family drove him to a psychiatrist appointment once, but he went inside the clinic and then left immediately using another entrance, lying afterwards about what the doctor told him. _

_ So he kept lighting up for his mom and dad, for Gracie, for Otto and especially Geoff. He kept making shitty music, kept playing shitty shows in shitty local clubs, kept pretending, kept trying to understand what the fuck Geoff’s deal was, but there was only so much energy he had for faking things. _

_ So when Travis dropped by unannounced on one of Awsten’s empty days, there was no hiding from him. _

_ “How long have you been this way?” he asked, genuinely concerned. “I had a feeling something was wrong, but your sister told me you went to therapy, so I figured-” _

_ “I never did,” Awsten replied, lifting the blanket from his face just a bit so Travis could hear him. “I never actually went inside. I - Travis, I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to feel like this.” _

_ Travis didn’t have answers for him, but he stayed until Awsten felt a little better, playing xbox games with him, discussing different options and possibilities. The horrible fog in Awsten’s brain actually dissipated a little thanks to Travis’s visit, enough for him to go back on Twitter, check on a couple things and then pick up his phone to call Jawn, currently away for college, but about to graduate in a month or so. _

_ “Do you still want to move back to Houston after graduation?” Awsten asked, surprised and honestly delighted to hear the nervous beating of his heart again. _

_ “Yeah, I guess. Unless you have a better idea?” _

_ Awsten did. _

_ “That sounds clinically insane,” Jawn said when Awsten was done describing his fever dream to him. Jawn was the responsible one, the one who got into a proper college, the one who was actually good at something and who had his life mostly figured out. On the other hand, Awsten knew they both shared the undying urge to become something more. Jawn was still in the process of looking into how to accomplish it. “I think I’m in.” _

_ “You are the best person in the world, you know that?” _

_ Awsten gained new wind underneath his wings. _

_ Waterparks’ second EP was almost ready. They still had no money for proper production and marketing, they still had no label willing to release it, and every note they’ve recorded was soaked in dishonesty, exhausting to play, haunting Awsten’s nightmares. He owed it to Geoff and Otto though, so he clenched his teeth, mentally checked out and was already packing his bags for LA. _

_ It was going to be temporary. He was going to gain traction, grow his fanbase, make good music and then involve the boys. They wouldn’t actually have to do any work. It was the perfect plan. A couple months, maybe half a year. It wasn’t going to take longer. _

_ He was walking Geoff to his shift at the pizza place when the question was finally asked. _

_ “You’re gonna leave, aren’t you?” _

_ The suburban night around them was quiet and too bright to feel safe within. They were walking right by the house Alex and Jack used to live in, and Awsten was thinking about how he was going to marry Geoff one day. He was sure of it and didn’t even consider another outcome for a second. But Geoff was just taking his hand away from Awsten’s grip. _

_ “I - I feel like it’s the only thing I can do to push things forward.” _

_ “I understand that,” Geoff replied, cold, but with tears shining in his eyes. _

_ “I don’t think you do.” This was, apparently, Awsten’s last hurrah and he wasn’t going down without a fight. “I don’t think you understand that I’m doing this for us, for you and I, for Otto, for Waterparks, for us to have a chance to be the band we could become! This isn’t about me! I’m just trying to think ahead!” _

_ “For us. This again,” Geoff shook his head and smiled bitterly, tears dripping down his face. “Why is it just your name we’re seeing everywhere then? Why is it just yourself that you’re promoting? Why the _ fuck _ did you lie about Elijah’s song? You don’t tell the truth, Awsten, you never tell me the truth, and I can’t take this anymore. I can’t keep trusting you, it hurts me too much and I’m sorry, but this is it for me. Look. If you feel like you’re meant for bigger, better things, then you are. I really get that. I don’t want to be the one holding you back. That’s not how I want to be remembered. I can’t.” _

_ “Are you - are you quitting the band?” Awsten asked, stupidly, not ready for what was about to happen. _

_ “No. I’m quitting you. I’m quitting this relationship, but let me tell you. It’s you who doesn’t actually want to be in it.” _

_ “Don’t say that,” Awsten grabbed for Geoff’s hands, but Geoff refused to let him hold on. “You know I love you more than anything in the world, right? I can’t live without you. I can’t.” _

_ “You’re going to have to. Because if you leave, there’s gonna be nothing for you to come back to.” _

_ This was Awsten’s moment. This was the moment to say _ no, I’m not gonna leave, not without you _ , but Geoff deserved much better than another lie. Geoff deserved everything, and everything was so much better than whatever broken emotional state Awsten was currently in. So Awsten stayed quiet, watching Geoff wipe his face and wrap his denim jacket tighter around his arms. _

_ It took only a minute. _

_ “Don’t text me. Don’t call. Don’t show up at my house, please, just let me grieve in peace, alright? Goodbye, Aws.” _

_ “I’ll fix it!” Awsten said for a millionth time, this time yelling it out to Geoff’s back, the love of Awsten’s life rapidly disappearing down the street. _

_ Three days later, Awsten was on the plane to LA. _

*

Awsten spends the majority of the night trembling in Jawn's arms.

Jawn wasn’t even home when Awsten returned from work, on high alert after his phone call with Alex, battling another nosebleed, albeit less drastic this time, but still 100% convinced his days were numbered. 

A panicked Facetime call made Jawn come home as soon as he could. They re-salted the entire apartment and then proceeded onto the things Alex instructed Awsten to do, which mostly consisted of writing out entire paragraphs of Latin on pieces of paper and placing them in different spots. 

Even with an ancient protection spell tucked under the lining of his pillow, Awsten doesn’t feel fully safe. 

“One breath at a time, yeah? We can make it till morning.” Jawn’s arms are closed around Awsten in an ironclad embrace, his voice soft and comforting, the smell so familiar. The two of them know way too much about each other, childhood friends and unlikely lovers and even in his paralyzing fear, Awsten places all of his trust in Jawn, more than in protection spells, holy water, amulets and rings of salt combined. “Just a couple more hours.”

Awsten cries, hyperventilates, falls asleep and wakes up screaming every other hour. He has none of his teenage bravado, the boy who pretended not to be scared of anything long dead and gone. When he’s at his worst, Jawn catches him in the gentlest kiss Awsten ever experienced, and he thinks, _ that’s not alright _ before blacking out again. 

Blissfully, the night ends at some point. Awsten opens his eyes alone in bed, sheets soaked in sweat, and checks for all his limbs. 

Jawn’s in the kitchen in shorts only, fixing them a breakfast from whatever food they have left, which isn’t much. 

“Not to be dramatic, but I am awake,” declares Awsten, dramatically. 

“Hi! The food’s not ready yet,” Jawn replies, waving some kind of spoon at Awsten. “Five minutes.”

“That’s alright, I’ll shower first.”

“Okay, hurry up though. We need to get some sustenance into this twinky body of yours.”

“_What _ did you just call me?”

“You heard me,” Jawn doesn’t look up from the french toast he’s making. The apartment smells delicious and a little less like sage. 

“No, _you’re_ the twink,” Awsten whines. “I can’t believe you say that even after you had sex with me, I am literally gonna sue you.”

It’s good to hear Jawn laughing before Awsten closes the bathroom door. It makes his heart a bit lighter.

*

**Awsten:** _HEY MAN. I KNOW THIS IS ASKING A LOT BUT COULD YOU PLEASE TELL GEOFF TO UNBLOCK ME? AND TELL HIM IT’S IMPORTANT?_

**Awsten:** _I MIGHT DIE SOON AND I JUST WANT TO TALK TO HIM BEFORE THAT HAPPENS_

**Otto: ** _ well, we all might die soon, you literally never know _

**Awsten:** _WELL I DO KNOW. SO PLEASE_

**Otto:** _Jawn said this shit was serious. Are you sick? Should I come up and see you?_

**Awsten:** _YEAH I’M KIND OF SICK. WORSE, EVEN. BIG TROUBLE. JUST TELL GEOFF THAT JACK AND ALEX ARE COMING, HE’LL KNOW_

**Awsten: ** _ AND YEAH COME SEE ME. I HAVEN’T TOUCHED YOUR LUSTROUS HAIR IN A WHILE _

**Otto:** _I’ll do my best_

*

Late afternoon creeps up on them while they’re binge-watching The Good Place, strongly demanded by Awsten, bored to death by Jawn trying to show and explain different Twitch streamers to him. 

The doorbell rapidly takes Awsten out of his haze, making him jump off the couch immediately. “It must be them,” he mutters, frantically looking for his phone.

“The good Them or the bad Them?” asks Jawn, but Awsten’s already by the door, looking through messages from Alex.

“Password?”

It’s definitely Alex’s voice that replies from the other side of the door, reciting the complicated Latin password they agreed on. Awsten quickly repeats the words back and swings the door open, a quick visual confirmation before he throws himself into the arms of the man.

Well, not exactly a man per se. 

“Hey. Hey there. Still alive and in one piece?” Alex pats Awsten’s back, then pulls away and regards him, carefully checking his palms for some reason.

“Yeah. So, so scared though.”

“Well, you can stop worrying now what we’re here. We’re gonna crack this bitch wide open.” It’s Jack, Alex’s personal demon bodyguard / boyfriend / husband / whoever, walking in past them in a vintage leather jacket like he’s too cool for school, patting Awsten’s shoulder in passing. “Oh, you got a salt ring going on? Good thinking. Hi, I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Jack.”

“I’m Jawn,” says Jawn, looking slightly overwhelmed, totally having forgotten to pause The Good Place. Jack shakes his hand and immediately turns to Alex.

“Babe. You didn’t tell me it was gonna be _ like that._” 

“Like what?” Awsten inquires, but nobody answers. Jack always seemed slightly too cool for Awsten’s liking. Besides, he’s an actual demon and Awsten still has intermittent nightmares about Jack’s body lighting up in hellish flames, like he did years ago to prove his identity to Awsten. Alex always seemed much more approachable.

“Shut it, Jack. Let’s do this before something bad happens,” Alex says, moving past Awsten and joining Jack in careful investigation of the apartment. “We have to finish up demon-proofing before it gets dark.”

Awsten and Jawn huddle by the couch as Alex touches every inch of their door frames and Jack opens and closes each kitchen cupboard one by one. 

“You feel that?” Jawn asks, rubbing his arms that Awsten notices are all covered in goosebumps. It’s like the apartment’s filled with brand new light and the only plant that they have, alone on the windowsill, looks somewhat greener.

“Yeah, man. That would be the aura.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alex's POV for this chapter.
> 
> tw blood

The boys, Jack included, are devouring pizzas like they haven’t eaten in forever.

Well, it might be true for Awsten and Jawn at least, since Alex personally forbade them leaving the apartment and getting delivery food. Jack is just greedy as usual.

Alex is unsure about the supposed demonic presence Awsten’s talking about. There’s definitely a strange atmosphere in the air, but it doesn’t have quite the edge that usually comes with demons; the unusual ambiance is rather something much more down-to-earth, something Jack is constantly frowning at Alex about. Yeah, okay. Alex totally messed up in that regard.

To be fair, Alex had no idea what he was getting himself into, and he still doesn’t. There was no time to do proper research, and now it seems like figuring out what’s wrong might take them much longer than they expected. It's just that as soon as Awsten contacted him, Alex knew he wouldn't be able to refuse to help the (ex) boyfriend of his former subject.

It’s a vacation from their regular life, except Alex doesn’t want to escape his life anymore. Jack has been promoted a couple levels at once - he’s an entertainment demon in Manhattan, New York, making sure people have no fun at concerts, movies, plays and nights out of all sorts, having been given a giant post-industrial loft, a fancy car and two wonderful dogs. Alex is a guardian angel for a rising Broadway star - not quite an A-list job yet, but not shit-tier either. No more Geoff Wigingtons in Houston, Texas, as much as Geoff was actually a great person and it wasn’t his fault that his life was mostly just hella boring.

The lack of Geoff by Awsten’s side is an elephant in the room they don’t even have to speak of. Alex has a feeling everything started deteriorating when he left the post of Geoff’s guardian angel, but he can’t possibly start blaming himself for it.

People make choices, right? Awsten must have made a couple sharp left turns to leave a promising band and a loving relationship to end up working in a call center in LA, haunted yet again.

His old friend and current roommate, Jawn, provides a distinctly different dynamic. He’s dangerously smart, cynical, ambitious just like Awsten but way more put together, with a dash of reckless bravery. Also, he cares. He cares a whole lot.

“So Jawn here, he’s - how’s that Bible dude called? Doubting Thomas?”

“Not a believer in the supernatural?” Jack asks, leaning back after finally deciding to leave the last slice of pizza for Awsten.

“I’m not - Awsten’s wrong. I just, you know. I trust science. And whatever I can see with my own eyes, I guess.”

“So, doubting Thomas,” Awsten argues, reaching to ruffle Jawn’s hair with a grin. Alex wants to groan. “Could you guys do a little show for him, maybe?”

“Dude, if you want our sextape, you’re gonna have to pay up,” Jack jokes.

“You know that’s not what I meant! Although -”

“Alright, alright, all of you shut up.” Alex takes off his ring, which for the last few years has also been doubling as a wedding band of sorts, and allows it to expand over his head. He makes an effort to shine a bit of his internal light as well. Awsten smiles with wide-eyed satisfaction while Jawn’s jaw just straight up drops, the boy staring at the halo like his entire internal system of beliefs is currently toppling. 

Well, it probably is. 

“That’s me, then. Jack?”

Jack smiles in a truly devilish way, his specialty. “Alright, what do you want me to do?”

“Stab yourself with a knife,” Alex says quickly, Jawn shaking his head with disbelief, Awsten’s interest piquing. 

“Oooh, nasty. I love the way you think,” Jack winks at Alex, picks up one of the butter knives they’ve been using to distribute dips on pizza, wipes it, then places his palm flat on the table and takes a stab right at the meat of it. 

The knife sticks upright, wedged into the wood. Jack removes his hand with no effort and no injury whatsoever.

“Yeah, okay. I take it all back, Awsten. Sorry for being a fuckwad about all this before.” Jawn’s still staring at Jack with awe, touching the unwounded hand Jack presents him. “I was on the fence since the seance, but now - fuck. I take everything back.”

“See, I told you!” Awsten laughs, but something else catches Jack’s attention apparently.

“Wait. You guys had a seance?”

“Yeah, our friend Elijah hosted it, he knows how to do these things, we even recorded most of it, it’s all up on Youtube, do you wanna see?”

“We do,” Alex decides. He makes Awsten skip through the intro, a dude named Elijah Daniel addressing his “cult” and explaining the video in an exaggerated way typical for Youtube, but then there’s a cut and the camera pans out onto the living room, an almost perfectly arranged summoning circle of candles and an Ouija board in the middle.

“So you used an Ouija? They don’t always work, it actually has to be made out of a specific type of wood to do anything. But nice try,” praises Jack, peering at the screen of Awsten’s phone. 

Alex can recognize Awsten and Jawn within the circle with their colorful hair, the Elijah dude wearing something that looks like a blanket cape, and another person must also be in the circle filming, but the footage is collected from at least three different cameras, because the point of view switches. The montage looks nearly professional. 

“_Spirits, if you’re with us, please speak to us and reveal your names,_” says Elijah, the self-appointed medium, adopting a tone of voice of a horror movie character. A strong flare of white light passes through the screen - no, that can’t be it, can it? Alex blinks and then it’s gone. Probably just a camera fault. Onscreen, the planchette is moving._“Hello to you too, spirit. Are you the one currently causing disturbance to Awsten? _”

The white light flashes yet again, forming into an almost physical presence over the board, hovering, and Alex can’t be mistaken, not this time around. The light fades away slowly only as the planchette moves. He looks at Jack, who’s now looking at him, frowning and rattled. “Jack, sidebar?”

“Yeah.” 

“No, wait, we haven’t even gotten to the best part yet! When the fuse blew and I got a nosebleed!”

“It’s alright, we’ll be back in five. Just pause it.” Honestly though, Alex doesn’t really care about the rest of the video. He’s seen enough. He pulls Jack into the closest room, which must be Awsten’s bedroom; there’s a synthesizer and a bunch of guitars in the corner. The bed looks untouched though.

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking, J?”

Jack sits on the neatly made bed, looking up at Alex half-seriously, half-mockingly. “Damn, I’d love to be able to read your mind, but I don’t think I’ve quite mastered that skill yet. But yes, it’s most likely a fucking angel.”

“Not a demon. Demons don’t shine white godly light during Ouija seances.”

“I can’t believe these fuckers somehow successfully conducted a summoning. Of a bloody angel, no less,” Jack sighs. "Beginner's luck."

“You know what that means, right? All of our demon-proofing was for nothing, it won’t work against angels. We’re still vulnerable.”

“Fuuuuuuck,” Jack groans, collapsing onto the bed with outstretched arms. “We gotta get to work quickly then, yeah? And then we can actually try to figure out why it’s all happening. Because as of right now, I have no idea.”

“You and me both then.”

Well, Alex has _ some _ ideas, but each one is more frightening than the other and he’d rather keep them in thought form for as long as possible. Saying them out loud would make them real.

*

“So. How long?” Alex asks conversationally, not even having to try and tune into the emotional aura of the boy in the kitchen annex next to him, currently leaning against the counter, feelings radiating of off him like waves. They’re mostly done angel-proofing now, just putting some final touches onto the place.

“How long what?” Jawn looks up, confused, grabbing a random utensil from the counter and hugging it against his chest protectively. Alex thinks the guy really needs a hug himself, or maybe at least a pat on the back.

“How long have you been in love with Awsten, obviously. Because I’ve watched y’all for years and haven’t picked up on that until now.”

Jawn drops the utensil into the sink where it clatters against unwashed dishes. Awsten, currently busy practicing exorcism techniques in the living room with Jack shoots them a look, but Alex just waves him off. Jawn’s already hidden his head in his hands, breathing hard. Is he _ just _ realizing that this is what he's feeling? Or is it just his first time telling anyone?

“He asked me if I wanted to move to LA with him as soon as I was done with college,” starts Jawn in a quiet monotone. “So I did. I didn’t - I didn’t know the whole scope of the Geoff shit, because had I known, I might have thought twice before agreeing.” Nah, he wouldn’t, but Alex lets him continue. “I’m not sure when it began. We only started sleeping together recently. It - it doesn’t mean anything to him though.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure about it.” Alex can hear Jawn’s heart actually screaming as he watches Awsten and Jack figure out a complicated handshake that Alex knows for a fact is not a part of any celestial nor anti-celestial rituals. For an average looking dude with average talents and a somewhat annoying personality, Awsten does have a rather impressive heartbreak score.

“I am sure though,” Jawn replies with finality. “I’ve never been in love - I’ve never been in love _ before_, that is, and I absolutely hate everything about it. It’s like a disease. But you have powers, yeah? Maybe you can make it go away. Awsten is my best friend. I really want him to be just that again.”

“I can’t really do anything about love, I’m sorry,” Alex answers, sorry to disappoint Jawn. 

“Please?”

“It just doesn’t work like that.” Nevertheless, he releases some of his healing energy towards Jawn. It deals with a minor papercut on his index finger and banishes the beginnings of a sinus infection, but the giant mountain of love for Awsten remains untouched.

“‘Sup, angel?” Jack appears in the kitchen, surprising Alex by wrapping his arms around Alex’s waist and nipping him lightly on the neck. Alex leans into the embrace, barely resisting not being too showy in front of long-suffering Jawn. “What are you two conspiring about?”

“Oh, wouldn’t you like to know, demon. _ Get thee behind me, foul fiend_.”

“I’m already behind you! And I swear to fuck, Alex, if you quote _ Good Omens _ at me one more time I might lose it.”

Alex opens his mouth to retort how perfect_ Good Omens _is for quoting when you’re an angel in relationship with a demon, but stops upon hearing Awsten’s panicked scream.

They’re all by his side a second later, Awsten holding up both of his hands, which are bleeding. Right in front of their eyes, an invisible force is engraving strange shapes into the bottoms of his palms, opening the skin and making the blood leak out.

“Oh God, oh God, oh God. What do I do,” Awsten panics, freezing in place, his face squeezed in visible pain, the blood dripping onto his jeans. 

“Jack?” 

“Yeah, on it. Red hair, step aside.”

Jawn, hands clasped on Awsten’s shoulders and a similar expression of dread and utter disbelief on his face, lets go and takes a few steps to the side per Jack’s request. Alex can see Jack’s eyes focusing on Awsten’s bleeding hands and the rushed, concentrated breath of dark force into the air is nearly palpable.

The carving stops. Awsten heaves for air. Alex can’t see too well with all the blood, but the wounds on the boy’s palms take shapes of ancient sigils.

Sigils only ever used by angelic beings.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made a [visual reference doc](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1OQ04kXUHXC8OYEpVj6DZjGZWdUxflHJqcA_EfrNM_EI/edit?usp=sharinga) for this verse if you're interested!

**Geoff:** _Otto asked me to unblock you. Apparently it’s important. I’m only doing this because he’s my best friend, not for you._

Awsten swears he could scream when the message from Geoff blinks upon the screen of his phone while he’s brushing his teeth. He scrambles for the device, knocking it into the sink where toothpaste foam stains it all over. 

It’s been over two years. There’s finally light at the end of the tunnel. Except that Awsten’s dying. Mother of all fuck, it's the best and worst time for there to be light at the end of the tunnel.

**Awsten:** _OH THANK FUCK. YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU, RIGHT? AND I WOULD NEVER LIE TO YOU. SO LISTEN. I'M DYING_

**Geoff:** _You’d never lie to me? What about all those times when you lied to me then?_

**Geoff:** _I can't do this again._

**Geoff:** _Fuck off, Awsten_

**Awsten:** _GEOFF. BABY. HEAR ME OUT, ALRIGHT? DEMONS ARE AFTER ME, OR ANGELS, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE. IF YOU WANT TO SEE ME IT MIGHT BE YOUR LAST CHANCE. I REALLY FUCKING LOVE YOU. I NEVER STOPPED_

**Awsten:** _I know I fucked up so, so many times. I’m so sorry. Hurting you was the last thing on my mind, I swear. I was selfish and stupid, but I’ve learned my lesson. I was trying to live the life I wanted to so badly, but it means nothing without you. You’re in the back of my mind in everything I do. You’re my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night, you’re where my mind goes to when it looks for comfort, and the hope of seeing you again keeps me alive when I’d rather be dead. I know you’ve made your choice already and it isn’t me. I just wish I could hold you, one last time, and tell you about my love._

He’s sat on the slightly moist floor of the shower, holding his phone like a lifeline, like it contains his entire universe, because in this moment, it does. He waits for ten minutes, fifteen, then twenty, until there’s a knock on the door, Jawn asking if he’s still alive. 

Awsten spits out the rest of the toothpaste, looks at the fresh bandages on his palms, takes a deep breath and rejoins the travesty that his life’s evolved into.

*

Awsten has no idea whether Alex and Jack need sleep at all, but he gives up his bedroom for them and they graciously accept. He hasn't been sleeping there much lately anyway, so it's not that much of a problem.

He's in Jawn's bed, because of course he is, emotionally messed up from receiving Geoff's message and, yeah, perhaps from the bloody sigils on his palms too. The wounds are still a little tender and red, but after Jack did his mojo of stopping whatever force was cutting them open, Alex took over to close and heal the cuts. Awsten's looking at the strange letters he can't read, scars that are most likely going to remain there forever, the fear within him twisting and turning into an almost religious experience. 

He's been chosen. By Evil, but still. He's been chosen by _ something_. 

Jawn coming back from the shower interrupts this train of thought. 

"You're getting my pillows all wet from your hair, gross," he says, like his own hair isn't currently dripping down his naked back and chest.

"Die mad about it," Awsten replies, putting up his middle finger. 

Jawn moves around the bedroom with seemingly no plan and coordination whatsoever, throwing his clothes into random places, until he stops, arms crossed on his chest, and just looks at Awsten with what Awsten knows is his trademark Photographer Gaze.

Awsten's not a person right now, he's a subject. He knows the next words Jawn's gonna say before they come out of his mouth.

"Let me take pics of you."

Awsten squints. "Now?"

"Yeah. Just, like. Like we always do."

"All cool and good except we don't ever take half-nudes in your bedroom. At least not to my knowledge."

"That doesn't matter. Come on. I could totally use doing something… normal. I feel like I’m in a bad dream that I can't wake up from."

Awsten takes a closer look and yeah, Jawn does seem a little pale. Awsten's been so caught up in his own suffering he didn't quite notice, or think about, the way his friend must be feeling finding out that Heaven and Hell aren't just concepts, but actual places, and angels and demons walk among humans, literally indistinguishable, except they don't age and they can draw a fucking knife through their hand without even a flinch. "Yeah, okay. Let's take pics. Sure." Awsten completely softens. "Do I need to - I don't know, put something on? Fix my hair?"

"No, no, you don't. You look great. Wait, I need to set up."

Awsten's busy being nervous and slightly self-conscious as Jawn gets his gear ready, including lights he keeps in the living room he now has to drag into the bedroom. It takes a couple minutes but then again it's great seeing Jawn back on his feet, where he belongs behind the camera, directing Awsten into different poses with professional ease.

Awsten's playing coy at first. He covers his body with Jawn's blanket, pulling focus with his face, his mouth, his eyes, but Jawn quickly tells him to drop it. So Awsten goes for it, splaying himself on the bed like he's the prettiest princess in all the land, rolling between the sheets and giving the camera and Jawn behind it his best bedroom eyes.

"Okay, that's more like it. Look at me - a bit to the left now - touch your hair. Shit. Yeah. Yeah, that's it. Hold it."

The shutter goes off in a frenzy. It provides a boost to Awsten's hungry ego, making him brave enough to pull on the waistband of his underwear. "Should I…?"

Jawn's face is hidden behind the camera, but Awsten imagines it lights up. "Yes. Go for it."

"Can you make it tasteful though?" 

"We'll see. I can try."

Awsten pulls the boxers off, feeling even more self-conscious, but hell, it's just his naked body, and it's nothing that Jawn hasn't seen before. Also, they're making art together. Carried by this train of thought, he gives Jawn a couple completely explicit poses that could only be useful in the kind of Grindr profile that doesn’t show the person’s face. 

"Alright, now less 90s Playboy and more modern day Vogue.”

“Oh, right. Like I piss and shit fashion?”

“Something like that,” Jawn laughs, and Awsten complies, even if he doesn’t know the first thing about posing like a proper high fashion model. Jawn seems to like it though, so it’s enough.

“You’re cute,” he says, offhandedly, and Awsten might be blushing. Everything makes him blush, but this is way too much.

“You deadass?”

“Oh yeah. You know you are, don’t play,” Jawn teases, snapping more photos as he’s standing on the bed over Awsten, leaning down. “Am I cute?”

Apparently Jawn’s in the mood to be vulnerable tonight. That’s fine, Awsten can indulge it. At least they’re not obsessing over celestial beings trying to eat him alive. “You’re cute sometimes. Mostly I just think you’re hot.”

“Oh really.” It should be a question, but Jawn utters it like a statement. 

“Yeah really. Come on, you must know that. Am I hot?”

Jawn lets the camera down and gets down himself, kneeling on the bed now, level with Awsten. “Are you hot? Seriously? Have you seen yourself?”

Awsten has; he sees himself in the mirror every day. He sees fading purple hair that never looks quite right, he sees a nose he hates, he sees absolutely no muscle at all and at least a couple inches not enough in the height department. 

When Awsten doesn’t reply, Jawn turns the camera screen to him. “Come see this photo.”

Awsten looks. It’s a nude - not a blatant, in-your-face nude, because it’s tastefully cut off and also Awsten is wrapped in the bedsheets a little. He sees the exact same body he sees in the mirror, but through Jawn’s eyes and lens it looks somewhat different, more like someone Awsten would actually like to have sex with, or at least understand why others might want to.

“See? Hot.”

He owes Jawn for every single photo Awsten ever looked half decent in.

“Come here,” Awsten says softly and quickly, feeling like his voice might start to shake if he doesn’t.

“I am here.”

“You know what I mean.”

Awsten’s still naked, and feels more naked than ever in his life, except maybe for the first time he had full-on sex with Geoff, which went badly but still makes for a very sweet memory. Anyway he’s very naked. Jawn puts the camera down in the right camera bag before even thinking about sitting down next to Awsten.

The light is blended into soft white. From up close, Jawn looks like he hasn't slept in three weeks, and his hair is still wet. His heart is beating though, Awsten can feel it with a palm placed upon Jawn's chest. He freezes the moment in time to look at later; he knows he's gonna want to look at it a lot. 

Jawn takes Awsten's other palm and touches his lips to the fresh wounds there. If Awsten ever called himself smooth, he has to take it all back, because Jawn's obviously the smooth one. Awsten fists his hands in the other man's hair, done with the tension.

"I'm going to kiss you now," he warns.

"You don't have to, like, announce that," Jawn breathes out before their lips join. 

It’s a good kiss, slow and gentle like the one that was rudely interrupted by Kellen that one time in the ring of salt. Jawn’s a great kisser, not too pushy, not too aggressive, but also far from passive. He must have had so much practice with so many people while he was in college. Awsten doesn’t really like this particular thought, so he focuses on the way it feels when Jawn pushes him to the pillows and pins him down, moving on to kissing down Awsten’s neck and his chest. Awsten can feel his entire body relax, except his dick, which is the exact opposite of relaxed right now.

“Hey, Jawn?” 

“Mhm?” Jawn doesn’t even look up from deciding where on Awsten’s chest he can leave a bite mark.

“Do you still want to learn how to give a blowjob?”

_ That _ makes him look up. Awsten’s a bit proud of himself. “Right. Because you’re dying, and it might be your last?”

“No, you idiot toenail. I just really want you to blow me.”

“_Oh._” 

“Oh?”

“Yeah, I think that can be done.” Jawn gives Awsten a fake, exaggerated grin to loosen the tension. It’s kind of adorable how he’s nervous through a lot of things they’ve been doing lately, but still eager nonetheless. It makes Awsten feel worryingly soft and warm inside his chest. 

“Awesome. Dope.”

“Should I just -?” Jawn doesn’t dare to finish the sentence.

“Yeah, go on. Please. Knock yourself out. But not literally. I don’t think I can do CPR properly.”

“I don’t think you should do CPR if-”

“Okay. Promise I won’t. Now please suck my dick already.”

Jawn’s good at it. Maybe Awsten can’t tell the difference between a good blowjob and a lame one, but he’s pretty sure he can, and this one’s perfectly adequate. This is something Awsten knows for sure Jawn couldn’t have practiced, but maybe he did research, because holy shit. Awsten’s almost embarrassed of the immediate moan that escapes his mouth. His hands grab onto the sheets until he realizes the better place for them would be in Jawn’s hair.

Jawn mistakenly takes it as a sign that something’s wrong, and pulls away. “What?”

“S-sorry, nothing. I just - go on.”

“Weren’t you supposed to direct me?”

“Honestly, I think you’re a natural.”

Jawn seems happy to know, enthusiastically going back to work and not reacting anymore when Awsten threads his fingers through his hair. As much as Awsten’s trying to chill out and prolong his pleasure, it’s his first blowjob in a long, long time, and his body knows it, trying to rush to completion as soon as possible. He can’t give Jawn that much of a satisfaction though, so he opens his eyes, focusing on everything other that Jawn’s tongue, Jawn’s mouth, Jawn’s hair brushing his stomach. The lights Jawn dragged in for the photoshoot are still on. It’s hot in the room, and Awsten suddenly remembers about Jack and Alex just behind the wall who are most likely well aware of what’s going on, with their supernatural powers and all. 

Maybe he should bring himself to care. Maybe he should have some decorum. Maybe he’s gonna, in another lifetime.

Jawn does an absolutely evil thing with his tongue right then and Awsten loses it, groaning very loudly. “_Shit_. Please don’t stop, this is good, now go faster, yeah, just like that, babe. Oh fuck.” There’s no way he can hold things together any longer.

He gives Jawn a chance to pull away before he comes, but Jawn doesn’t seem to want to. He swallows, winces, blinks through the tears in his eyes and crawls back up the bed to lie next to Awsten, who’s still coming down, trying to catch his breath, uncurling his toes.

“Now that wasn’t difficult at all,” Jawn judges. “The taste’s overrated, though.”

Quick like lightning, Awsten surprises the other man by pulling him in by the neck for an eager kiss, their bodies seamlessly fitting together, unwilling to separate.

“You did well. Seven out of ten. Promising, but with room for improvement,” Awsten murmurs into Jawn’s neck. 

“Hmm. I wonder how a ten feels like, then.”

“Luckily, you have me to show you.”

*

_Something's wrong._ The thought settles itself in Awsten's mind right before he drifts off to sleep, but he can't bear to move a muscle, so he lets it go, and forgets about it by morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know there's no plot in this one but we needed a respite I guess


	11. Chapter 11

It’s a calm morning, at least on the surface. Awsten finds himself wishing he could go to work, then berates himself for the thought and eats some cereal. Jack wanders into the kitchen in just his underwear, pats him on the back a little too hard before calling Alex in to have him inspect Awsten’s palms. 

“They’re healing well. There shouldn’t be scars, and if there are, they’ll be barely noticeable. We acted fast enough,” Alex judges while Awsten’s entire body tingles slightly from being touched by an angel even in such a casual way. 

“I wouldn’t care anyway,” he says. “Scars are cool. As long as they're not on my face, I guess.”

“Hell yeah they’re cool. Alex has two between -”

“Jack, please don’t.”

“Okay, okay. Buzzkill. I’m gonna get ready, yeah?” Jack declares before disappearing inside Awsten’s bedroom again. 

“Get ready for what?” Awsten asks Alex who’s currently fixing himself a cup of coffee from the cheap, lame coffee machine Jawn bought them with his first proper paycheck. 

Alex sits down in front of Awsten. Looking into his eyes has a calming effect, but it’s also making Awsten feel like he’s falling into a coma. “We’re gonna go out and try to find whoever’s doing all of that to you. No confrontation yet, that requires more planning, but we have some… resources, and some gear, to at least locate where they’re working from. It’s gonna be a huge advantage later.”

“Right. Wait, later? How long do you think this is all going to take? I can’t - I don’t have enough vacation days. I’m gonna get fired, Alex.”

Alex takes a thoughtful sip of his coffee. “Would that be so bad? Do you really think this is what you should be doing with your life? Selling people shit they don't want over the phone?”

Awsten doesn’t know how to answer. Of course it’s not what he _ should _ be doing, but the facts of life are that this _ is _ what he’s doing and he doesn’t currently see a way out other than going back to Houston and begging his parents to let him mow their lawn for pocket money.

“Come on, Awsten. You had such a good thing going with your music. You had a million ideas a minute. What happened?”

“A heartbreak,” Awsten replies, shrugging. Something about Alex’s aura makes him want to tell nothing but the truth. 

“That’s only supposed to make you stronger,” the angel says, and Awsten knows he’s right and it makes him hate it even more.

“Did you find out who my guardian angel is already?” Awsten decides to change the subject. The conversation about his promising career in telemarketing is going nowhere anyway; he’s way more interested to know who is fucking up bad enough to make him into a casualty of a celestial war yet again.

“Oh, yeah, about that.” Alex picks up the coffee cup and unceremoniously pours out the rest of the beverage into the sink. “We’re gonna catch up with them today. I honestly have no idea why they’ve been doing such a bad job. I’m thinking it’s one of three options: a newbie just trying his best but majorly overpowered by our Big Bad, someone who just doesn’t care enough and has given up on you, or, worst case scenario, someone who’s going to benefit from you getting hurt.”

“What? How would they benefit?”

“Oh, there’s lots of possibilities,” Alex laughs and actually washes the empty cup. Awsten’s in a bit of an awe. “Our best bet is that they just suck and aren’t gonna try to make things more difficult for us than they already are. Anyway, we should know by tonight.”

“Good luck out here.”

“Seriously, dude,” Alex places a reassuring palm on Awsten’s shoulder, yet again giving him the sensation of being seconds away from falling into eternal sleep, “you have more important things to worry about. Jack and I will be just fine.”

Awsten fucking hopes so. They’re his only hope after all.

Alex and Jack leave eventually and Jawn doesn’t wake up for another hour and a half. Awsten spends this time furiously typing song lyrics into his phone.

*

They’re still alone in the early afternoon when Awsten catches his reflection in the mirror as he’s washing his hands. It’s the same reflection as always, but it nearly makes him gasp with freshly discovered purpose.

“I gotta dye my hair.” He bursts into Jawn’s bedroom where Jawn’s on his computer, looking immensely bored. “Remember when I bought the neon green dye and ended up never using it? I think it’s time.”

“Alright,” Jawn says, shaking off his lethargy. The day’s grey behind the windows, gloomy in a very non-LA fashion. “Bleach first, yeah?”

They set up shop in the bathroom, a chair in front of the sink. Jawn pulls on rubber gloves and gets to work, distributing the bleach, but he’s disturbingly quiet, making no jokes, no quips, no nothing, like his soul has been soaked in bleach too. 

This is the strangest day. Awsten anchors himself in his phone, texting Geoff yet again.

**Awsten:** _I REALLY ACTUALLY MIGHT DIE. I KNOW YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME BUT ASK OTTO_

**Awsten:** _DID THE WOODLAND THOT FINALLY TELL YOU? ALEX AND JACK ARE HERE. REMEMBER THEM?_

**Awsten:** _I THINK EVIL IS AFTER ME BECAUSE YOU AND I NEVER HAD CLOSURE_

“Awsten. He’s not gonna reply, you know that, right? Don’t be pathetic.”

Awsten realizes then Jawn can see his phone clear as day, but that’s alright. There’s no need to keep secrets from his best friend, is there? What secrets can there be between them at this point? 

“I just - I just want to see him,” Awsten admits, painfully. He’s weak. He’s always been weak, he knows that, Jawn knows that, so why pretend otherwise? “Just once before I die.”

“You won’t die, you dramatic bitch, you -”

“I don’t wanna die alone,” Awsten says, words exploding out of his mouth, tasting bleach in the air, gripping the fabric of his jeans on his thigh and feeling Jawn’s hands still in his hair. Everything’s quiet for a second, water dripping from the tap at an excruciatingly slow pace and when Jawn speaks again, his voice is strained.

“You’re not alone. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

Awsten is the worst friend in the world. Winning all the awards ten years in a row now. “I know. I know, I’m sorry. That’s not what I meant. Fuck.”

“It’s fine,” Jawn replies quietly, dropping his hands from Awsten’s hair. Awsten can hear him pull the rubber gloves off and toss them into the sink. “Done. We’ll wash the bleach off in 15 minutes.”

Jawn’s gone from the bathroom before Awsten can see his face.

_ I messed up. I messed up so, so badly. _ It’s not like the two of them never fought, but it was never serious, and it was never about fucking _ feelings _ and _ life things _ and hell, Awsten doesn’t have the bravery that’s required to fix whatever’s broken now. He really doesn’t, but he’s gonna have to try.

They pinky swore on their unbreakable bond after all.

“Seriously, Awsten. Don’t apologize.” Jawn’s sat on the floor of the living room where the salt circle once was, holding his head up with both hands supported on his knees.

“No. I gotta,” Awsten decides, joining Jawn on the floor, sliding close so their bodies are touching and he can throw an arm around Jawn’s back. The man doesn’t quite relax into the embrace, but Awsten pushes on. “I shouldn’t have said it. You know I don’t think like that, yeah? I would have been dead, like, two thousand times already if it hadn’t been for you. And I don’t even mean the demonic - sorry, angelic - mess. Just life in general. I just - I’m not having a great time right now. Neither of us are, I guess. It was a bad moment and a shit thing to say. Sorry.”

“Yeah,” answers Jawn in a shaky voice laced with tears, looking up at the ceiling like he’s trying not to cry, like this is costing him more than he's willing to admit. “Geoff was my friend too, you know? And now we basically never talk, because to him it’s like I’ve chosen a side, your side. I didn’t. I didn’t put any stock in your breakup.”

“Yeah. I know.” It’s the only thing Awsten can think to say in response.

“You’re my best friend and I don’t regret anything, but I miss him too. Sometimes.”

They sit there a while longer, both sad in their own unique ways until Jawn finally returns Awsten’s hug, resting his head on Awsten’s shoulder briefly, mindful of the bleach. “Let’s just dye your hair now, alright?”

So they do. They talk again, even laugh and bant, but the mood doesn’t quite return to normal and when Awsten finally washes off the green dye and waits for his hair to dry, he accosts Jawn in the kitchen, grabbing him by both shoulders. 

“What’s the matter, Constantine?” Whenever Jawn is annoyed or wants to annoy Awsten, he uses his middle name. It's a low, low tactic. “I’m just trying to drink some juice in peace.”

“Can you please just tell me what’s up? Because something is up, right? Something more than whatever's going on with me, and definitely something more than you missing Geoff. Just tell me, I’m sure it’s nothing we can’t deal with.”

Jawn looks away, avoiding Awsten’s eyes. Last night he looked like he hasn’t slept in three weeks, today his numbers are climbing up to at least five. Awsten doesn’t need another worry, but the worries just seem to be chasing him. He has a brief memory flash of Jawn sucking his dick just last night and concludes that maybe it happened to a different person. 

“Well, alright.” Jawn makes a decision. Thank fuck. “Can we sit down?”

“Sure, sure, yeah.” They sit down properly this time, Jawn on the couch, Awsten on the armchair like he's Jawn's therapist. Jawn’s squirming a little, making Awsten’s heartbeat significantly pick up, but then the doorbell rings with a shrill, annoying sound and Jawn’s shoulders sag.

“That would be Jack and Alex.”

“Fuck,” Awsten mutters, trying to find the password on his phone again. “We’ll pick that up as soon as we can, yeah? Later tonight?”

“Sure, yeah. Sounds good.”

But the moment’s gone and Awsten knows it’s gone for good. Alex recites the password back at him and the angel-demon duo hurriedly walk into the apartment. “Sit down, Awsten. We need to talk.”

“I was just sitting ten seconds ago,” mumbles Awsten to himself, but still goes back to the couch obediently, this time sitting next to Jawn instead of opposite him, touching shoulders and knees for safety.

“New hair, huh? Weird color,” Alex tilts his head. The angel himself had brown hair six years ago, as far as Awsten remembers, and Jack's was black. Now they're both blonde, but none of them has aged even a day.

“It’s not dry yet.” 

“Right. So, we had a little chat with your guardian angel,” states Alex, and Jack by his side bursts into a fit of giggles that nearly makes him fold into himself. “Jack, you’re not helping.”

“Sorry, angel, I’m so sorry,” Jack wipes a stray tear from the corner of his eye, “but I keep imagining his face when we walked in and it’s just way too fucking good.”

Alex scoffs too, leaning into Jack’s mood for a second. “I thought he was gonna shit his pants.”

“I think he actually did.”

“Guys?” Awsten interjects, his anxiety and confusion growing. “Awsten Knight here? The one who’s in danger? Could you please involve me?”

“Right. Sorry,” Alex catches himself, slapping Jack’s knee to stop him laughing. “Your guardian angel, by the name of Carter, is an absolute sham.”

“That’s - not good, is it?” Jawn asks, exchanging a brief look with Awsten.

“It honestly could be worse,” Alex continues. “There’s been a major mixup Upstairs after the Felony Steve debacle and instead of assigning you a proper, experienced guardian, you got, well, Carter. It’s his first mission, and you’ve been stuck with him for the last six years and counting. Poor guy’s extremely overwhelmed. He’s been _ trying_, but -” 

“His best just isn’t good enough. He’s kinda been making things worse without meaning to,” Jack finishes.

“Yeah, basically. So he agreed to hand over the reigns to me and wait things out, until we fix everything.”

“Fuck.” Awsten feels absolutely deflated. He thinks back on the last six years and wonders how much of what happened to him is the fault of this Carter character. Would he still be with Geoff if Heaven, or “Upstairs” as Jack and Alex call it, assigned a proper angel to guard him?

“Don’t go there, Awsten,” Alex warns, freezing him in place with a look, immediately reading him. “Your choices are still your choices. You’re the one who made them. Remember that.”

Awsten recalls Geoff’s face fading away slowly as Awsten was going through security before his first flight to LA. He can nearly feel the stomachache that accompanied him all throughout that day, how something inside him broke right then and he never quite managed to repair it.

“We also did some tracking,” Jack starts, seeing as Alex is still involved in a staring contest with Awsten. “We have some pretty good idea as to where -”

He’s interrupted by the doorbell, a seemingly recurring theme of today.

“Don’t open it,” Alex warns, “we’re all here. This can’t be good.”

“Maybe it’s just Elijah or Kellen?” Jawn asks.

“No, I told them not to -”

“Awsten? Jawn? You there? Open up. It’s us.” 

Awsten can feel his heart drop to his stomach. The voice on the other side of the door definitely belongs to Travis.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time to plug the [visual inspo doc](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1OQ04kXUHXC8OYEpVj6DZjGZWdUxflHJqcA_EfrNM_EI/edit) again!

“Awsten? Jawn? You there? Open up. It’s us.”

“Awsten, no,” warns Alex decisively when Awsten runs for the door. Before he can reach for the doorknob, a small blast of force of some kind pushes his hand away from it. 

“What the fuck are you doing? Travis is my friend, I’m opening the door for him, quit this,” he whines, but the force doesn’t let go. It’s Jack who’s doing it, his eyes focused on Awsten’s hand.

“It can be your friend, or someone who just wants you to think it’s your friend. Got it? Things aren’t that simple anymore.”

“But-”

“Hey, guys? We can hear you, you know. It’s really just us. Travis, Otto and Geoff. Awsten said he was dying. We want to see him.” Travis speaks from behind the door as calmly as he can and Awsten’s heart skips a beat when he hears Geoff’s name. Geoff’s there. Just a couple plies of wood away from him. Geoff came to see him. Awsten groans, trying to jump at the door again, but to no avail. Jawn’s sat on the couch, transfixed, being no help whatsoever. Alex’s arm is outstretched to stop him from moving. 

“Alex, I really need to-”

“Alright. Okay. Just let me vet them first, yeah?” Alex steps up, passing Awsten and placing his palms on the door. “Awsten, please step back.”

Awsten does, but just a little. He needs to open this door, he has to, right now.

“Geoff?” Alex starts talking at the locked door, addressing the boy he used to guard once. “Geoff, hey, this is Alex. Are you there, man?”

“Hey, Alex, yeah, I am. It’s been a while. How are you?” 

Hearing Geoff’s voice after so long, in something that’s not an old video Awsten saved on his computer, should make his heart shatter to pieces. Strangely, it doesn’t. It just makes him feel like the last two years never happened.

“I’m good, Geoff, thanks. We can catch up later, alright? I need you guys to step outside of the building and wait downstairs. Jack and I are gonna come down, have a chat with y’all and then let you in one by one. That’s just for Awsten’s safety. Is that okay?”

The boys behind the door discuss something in hushed voices. “Sure. We’re gonna go right now.”

“Thanks, guys. We’ll be there in a sec.”

There’s footsteps walking down the stairs and when they can’t hear them anymore, Jack and Alex are on the move, locking the door after themselves, leaving Awsten and Jawn alone again. It feels much more lonely now knowing who’s downstairs and Awsten’s getting a nervous stomach ache, among other things.

“Jawn?”

“Yeah?” Jawn looks particularly blank, like there’s too many emotions running through him right now and none manages to surface. 

“I don’t think I can breathe.”

“You’ve been saying that a lot lately, Awsten.”

“Because it’s fucking true to reality, duh.”

Awsten paces the floor between the door and the couch a couple times. They’ve been waiting for two minutes tops, but it still seems like an eternity.

“Come sit down,” Jawn says finally, irritated, while Awsten is halfway through his fourth pace.

“No, you come stand up.”

“At least fucking stop pacing, it’s stressing me out.”

Awsten considers maybe honoring Jawn’s request when the door opens, so quick Awsten can feel the draught of air on his skin, and the first of the boys shows up in the doorway. 

A certain brown-haired, bright-eyed boy. 

There’s a learned carefulness in Geoff's movements as he looks around the apartment with leveled interested. He’s still wearing the same necklace he wore years ago and his hair is still wind-swept. Two years? It must have been a dream.

Awsten waits for all the puzzle pieces of his life to fall into place.

They don’t. 

He waits another second. Geoff smiles his sunshine smile, lifting his arms a little and Awsten falls into his hug, trying to be casual about it, but not really able to hold back his tears anymore. “I missed you,” he cries into Geoff’s ear. Geoff holds him very tight and very close. He smells different than two years ago. 

“I know. I know. I’m here now,” Geoff whispers, kissing Awsten’s hair. Awsten feels like he’s falling. The puzzle pieces still refuse to fit.

*

Alex and Jack are gone for the night, preparing for the confrontation. They promised Awsten to keep close watch on the apartment, and even if Awsten isn’t sure how they're doing that, he needs to trust them. Not like he has many other options that don’t involve holy water from a Gatorade bottle and heretic Elijah screaming out Christian prayers. 

Awsten and Jawn stay up until halfway through the night, catching Travis, Geoff and Otto up to speed. They fill the table with food, put on some music and just talk, so it really feels like they’ve gone back in time and they’re in Houston again, just chilling. Except things are fucked up now. 

There’s a lot of weird energy between Awsten and Geoff, like they don’t quite know how to behave around each other. Each time Geoff speaks to him directly, Awsten freezes for a moment before he can gather strength to actually answer. They share small, stolen looks and coy smiles though, and Awsten knows he should be over the moon, but somehow he’s not. Maybe it has something to do with being absolutely, dreadfully afraid for his life right now. Maybe it’s something else he can’t quite name yet.

He’s underwhelmed, but still grateful. The boys are a little freaked out, but very understanding and determined to help him out. He couldn’t have asked for better friends.

They sit around until they run out of food and energy and decide to maybe try sleeping. Otto wins Awsten’s bed in a game of rock, paper, scissors, so Jawn shares with Geoff, leaving Travis and Awsten on the not-quite-comfortable couch in the living room.

Here’s to hoping Travis will help Awsten make sense of this chaos.

“I know it’s you, Travis. I know you convinced them,” Awsten says when they’re both at least semi-comfy and ready to sleep. “Thanks so much. You can’t imagine how much I need all of you here now.”

“It wasn’t just me,” Travis raises his head from the pillow to see Awsten better. “Otto did his fair share of work on Geoff over time. Jawn’s been talking to the two of us a lot, too. And I know Geoff and Jawn haven’t been quite in touch lately, but Geoff still trusts basically every word Jawn says, so. As soon as Jawn confirmed everything you’ve been saying, Geoff was sold. We couldn’t possibly have _not_ come.”

“I really appreciate that,” Awsten admits. Being surrounded by his best friends is making him feel much safer. It’s also allowing him to think a bit more clearly when it comes to the danger he’s in. “Jawn and I have been getting cabin fever.”

“Yeah, something’s been off about Jawn in a major way lately. I don’t think he’s taking all of this well.”

“No, man, he’s seriously the only reason I haven’t gone insane yet.” Awsten listens for noises from the other rooms, but the only thing he can hear is Otto snoring. “I’m gonna tell you a secret now, okay?”

“I’m all ears.”

Awsten’s heart is drumming a crazy rhythm. “We’ve been sleeping together. Jawn and I.”

Travis inhales suddenly. “Oh _ fuck. _You have?”

“For a while, not like - not all the time. It started as a distraction, because I didn’t want to keep thinking about the demons and possession and shit, and then we kind of never stopped doing it? It was such an easy thing to do.” It was. It still is. It always happens quickly, getting used to the good stuff. 

“Shit. That explains so much about his behavior.”

“Yeah, I guess. I don’t know, Travis. I think I messed up. Or we both did. I think he regrets it now,” Awsten remembers how Jawn was just about to tell him something that seemed important earlier today, like a big weight on his shoulders, when they got interrupted and he never got to say it in the end.

“Do you regret it?” Travis asks, perfectly reasonable and inquisitive. 

Awsten rattles his soul for even an ounce of regret. “No, I don’t think I do.” He’s so thankful to not be judged; he’s judging himself enough, but Travis never will.

“Okay, good. Do you love him?”

“Of course I do, it’s Jawn,” replies Awsten without thinking. This one’s easy.

“No, I mean. Do you_ love _love him? Romantically? Not as a friend?”

Okay, this one’s not easy after all. Travis could teach a masterclass in asking your friends uncomfortable questions. “I don’t know. I don’t think I know the difference between one and the other.”

He loved Geoff. Geoff was his best friend who he also wanted to have sex with, so he did, and they shared their lives for a couple of years. He loved Jawn. Jawn was his best friend who he also wanted to have sex with, so he did, and they’re kinda sharing a life now.

Travis needs to hear it, so Awsten tells him. 

“That’s a little messed up. But also perfectly logical, in a way.”

“I know, right?” Awsten says with satisfaction. “Anyway, we’re just fucking. There’s nothing more to it. I just had to tell someone.”

“I appreciate you choosing me as your confidante. I’ll take this secret to the grave if I need to.”

There’s almost enough room for the two of them on the couch. Awsten can almost imagine Travis’s bony knees aren’t digging into his thigh. It really is like high school all over again. “Also, Travis?”

“Yeah?”

“I know it’s a tall order, but do you think we can all be friends again? Go back to normal? Well, our normal at least?”

“I think today was a good start.” Travis yawns widely. “Let’s take it one day at a time, yeah?”

Awsten would love that. He’d love not to be an idiot who’s inevitably going to do something to mess up this delicate progress sooner rather than later.

“Don’t overthink this, man. I’ll help you out,” Travis says, proving once again Awsten doesn’t deserve a friend like him. “Now go to fucking sleep.”

*

It feels like he’s been asleep for only fifteen minutes when Awsten’s woken up by a blast of fluorescent light shining right in his face. At least it seems that way to him.

In reality, the light is coming from the kitchen annex where someone’s quietly opening every cabinet in succession and illuminating the contents with their phone flashlight, definitely looking for something.

Trying not to wake Travis, Awsten untangles himself from the blanket and gets up, walking up to the kitchen ghost.

“Hey,” he says softly, not to scare him, but Geoff still makes a small, surprised sound. “Hey. Just me. Are you looking for something?”

Geoff’s eyes are blurry, his hair is messy and the t-shirt he’s wearing hardly covers his stomach. “Yeah, aspirin, if you have it. Or just some painkillers. I have a headache and it’s keeping me up. Sorry I woke you,” he whispers.

“No worries. I think we have some Tylenol, wait a sec.”

Awsten opens the correct drawer, finds the meds and pours Geoff a glass of water.

“Thanks, man.” Geoff swallows two pills and drains the glass, putting it back on the countertop, but he’s not moving, just looking at Awsten softly through the darkness.

He’s right there. Maybe Awsten didn’t really wake up, maybe it’s just a dream, because neither what’s happening or what he’s feeling is making any sense. Geoff touches his shoulder and runs his fingers down his arm to close them around Awsten’s wrist. He leans in and Awsten can’t help the pull, he falls into the trap that he could have easily just walked around, but the distance between them is gone and their lips touch, finally, after an eternity of waiting.

The fireworks never go off. Awsten remembers the pattern, like nothing’s changed but it’s also like he’s trying to stuff his feet into shoes he grew out of years ago. Geoff is warm and soft against him, Awsten touches his hair and tries to lose himself in it, but the earth stays unmoved and he drops his hands right when Geoff pulls away.

“I’m sorry, Awsten,” he mutters, resting his forehead on Awsten’s shoulder. “I’m sorry. I can’t. I was thinking maybe - but I can’t.”

“It’s alright,” Awsten replies, caressing Geoff’s back. “I don’t think I can either.”

It’s a strange sensation when he realizes he means it. He spent the last two years, on and off, convinced that he’s getting Geoff back. Now that he actually has the opportunity, nothing feels right and he gives up without a fight.

_ What the fuck. _

He must still be in a dream. That’s the only logical conclusion.

“I’m gonna go back to bed,” Geoff informs him, getting his shit together and walking away. “We’ll talk tomorrow, okay? Sorry again.”

“Don’t be.” Maybe Geoff should actually be sorry, but Awsten doesn’t care anymore. “Hey, Geoff?”

Geoff turns to look at Awsten.

“Do you mind staying here with Travis so that I could go to Jawn’s? I just -”

“Yeah, no worries,” Geoff agrees, smiling lightly, saving Awsten from having to explain himself. “If Travis kicks me in his sleep though, that’s on you.”

Quietly, Awsten moves to Jawn’s bedroom in search of something safe, something familiar, something that doesn't throw him into an existential crisis. Jawn, taking advantage of the empty bed, is sprawled on both halves of it. 

“Geoff?” he mutters sleepily but makes no effort to move when Awsten climbs under the covers.

“Nope,” Awsten replies, placing a kiss right on Jawn’s mouth. Jawn’s eyes snap open at that.

“What? What happened? Why are you here? Where’s Geoff?”

“Well, if you don’t like my company, I can go,” Awsten teases, but Jawn throws an arm over his chest and pulls him in, bodies fitting together like they tend to do. 

“Stay.”

So Awsten does.

The last thing he's thinking about before drifting off is where the hell he’s supposed to go from here, now that his purpose is gone.


	13. Chapter 13

Awsten has the weirdest dream. 

He’s chasing one of Elijah’s dogs, Kevin, through the streets of Houston where he grew up. Kevin ends up running into an empty house, where the only piece of furniture is an elaborate coffin made of black, sparkly material, lined with purple satin inside. Elijah is lying in it, dead or just asleep and Awsten thinks yeah, it makes sense for Elijah to die at 25, or maybe it’s all yet another elaborate stunt of his because _ It’s Everyday Bro _ starts playing loudly in the background. Awsten almost bursts into giggles before he realizes it’s not Elijah in the coffin anymore, it’s Sam, wearing one of Kellen’s stupid football jerseys and sunglasses that make him look like a lost Madden brother. Awsten leans down to take the sunglasses off and the body turns into Otto, his hair in a long braid that would put Rapunzel to shame, but it’s drenched in water that’s dripping off it, quickly flooding the room. Awsten panics when he remembers Kevin, not sure if the dog can swim, so he starts maniacally looking around for him until he notices Geoff and Jawn sitting on a windowsill together, half naked, making out.

Awsten’s heart drops to his stomach, he’s feeling dizzy and weak and the sigils on his palms are open and bleeding again as the water’s already reaching his knees, the corpse in the coffin now Gracie cosplaying as Elsa from Frozen. In a second Awsten knows he’s gonna die then and there to the sound of Nick Crompton declaring that England is his city, so he sits down on the floor and waits for the water to flood his lungs.

Before that happens though, a strange man wearing all black shows up right in front of his eyes, black hair framing his somewhat pretty face, looks at Awsten with no shade of emotions, says “Enough,” and snaps his fingers. 

When Awsten opens his eyes, definitely back in LA, it’s still way too early in the morning and the sun’s rising just now, the light golden and beautiful. He sits up in Jawn’s bed, unsettled from the dream, the other man curled up on his side and still fast asleep, leans over the headboard to where the window is and stares at the clouds slowly flowing through the sky, the sun a ball of orange light hanging low over the buildings. The dream is slowly slipping away from his memory, leaking through his fingers and leaving behind this feeling of quiet acceptance.

He allows himself to remain in this moment of calmness and clarity for five long, precious minutes, because that’s how much he deserves, before picking up his phone from the floor and deciding to face whatever shit the day has to offer him.

*

“We found these two clowns trying to get in. We’re only letting them up because they have food. This one,” Jack jams a finger in Elijah’s chest, “almost didn’t pass the vetting. So let me know if they should be kicked out.”

Elijah and Kellen are carrying a massive amount of takeaway boxes. Awsten texted them first thing in the morning, realizing the atmosphere in the apartment is going to be dense as hell and needing to defuse it somehow. Inviting over two known idiots seemed like a brilliant idea.

“That’s what I get for trying to be a good friend! I get vibe checked and stared down by some sexy bodyguard claiming to be doing that on behalf of Awsten,” Elijah sends Jack a murderous glare. 

“I guess you can call me necessary evil,” Jack replies, actually winking at Elijah.

“No hard feelings because you’re fucking gorgeous.”

“Oh. Oh, alright,” Alex joins in, literally pulling Jack as far from Elijah as possible. “Gorgeous and taken, thank you.”

“Not tryna step on your turf, man, I’m taken too, just making bants, y’know.” 

“Anyway,” interjects Kellen loudly, “you’re welcome for the food, we got it all at the good Indian place by Hayworth, hope it’s enough for everybody. Speaking of. Hi Travis! Who else do we have here?”

“Right,” Awsten catches himself, realizing he is the one in charge of introducing everyone, even if they’re all probably mostly aware who’s who. Presently Awsten’d rather be in charge of absolutely nothing, thank you very much. “You’ve met Alex and Jack already, they’re… paranormal investigators of sorts. They’re helping me out.”

Alex and Jack can’t help but laugh on the side, but they don’t correct Awsten, so he counts it as a success. “You know Travis too. That just leaves Otto and Geoff.”

“Hi y’all,” says Otto from the floor where he’s sitting with a gigantic cup of tea in his hands. “Sorry in advance if I don’t remember anybody’s names.”

Geoff just smiles and waves at everyone.

“Guys, this is Kellen, a rising TikTok star and my inmate, I mean coworker, and this is Elijah, a semi-celeb famous for being very good at annoying the hell out of people.”

“You know what, Knight, I'll take that.”

Awsten wonders if Geoff still thinks of Elijah as the Big Bad responsible for the demise of their relationship, but the truth is, it was just Awsten who caused it. He's the one to blame. Geoff should be smart enough to know it. His facial features don’t betray anything when he shakes Elijah’s hand.

It’s Kellen who messes things up, though. “Geoff, wow. Alright. Now this must be awkward for you,” he asserts, looking from Geoff to Jawn to Awsten and then back to Geoff suggestively. 

Geoff raises his eyebrows. Awsten tries not to look at Jawn, because he doesn’t want to see the obvious suffering on his face. The discomfort in the air is almost palpable.

“Wait, why would it be awkward?” Otto asks from his spot on the floor and Awsten desperately seeks for help, finally finding it in Travis who jumps from his armchair with counterfeit enthusiasm.

“Food! There’s food, y’all, let’s eat before it goes cold. Did you get any naan, Kellen?”

“Hell yeah we got naan,” Kellen’s successfully distracted, Geoff and Otto drop the subject and eventually Awsten does look at Jawn, who’s hidden his face in his hands. Awsten wants to ask if he’s okay, but Jawn, suddenly on the move, passes him without a word to grab one of the takeout boxes.

*

“We have good news and bad news. Which do you want first?”

They’re all sitting around the living room table, some of them on the floor because Jawn and Awsten don’t own enough furniture. The food the guys brought is so delicious Awsten momentarily forgets the reason they’re all here, until Alex brutally brings him back to reality.

“Good news first, always. Gets your morale up so that you’re stronger before the bad news inevitably crushes you anyway,” proposes Kellen.

“That’s a fucked up way of looking at it, but sure. Awsten, your - let’s call them your tormentor, has been laying low. They must be aware of all the means of protection extended over you, and I bet it’s been very, very hard to do anything to you after the sigils action when we found out who we’re actually dealing with.”

“If they’re laying low, it means they’re cooking up something bigger, yeah?”

“That’s where we’re getting to the bad news, folks,” Jack takes over, giving Alex a second to eat. “They’re definitely preparing for the big event. We have no idea what the big event even is or what’s their end goal, but we’re running out of time and we have to cut them off. We’re basically ready to hit them tonight.”

“Is it really an angel? Because holy fuck,” Elijah inhales sharply and Awsten just knows his fingers are itching to grab for his phone and start recording every single second of what’s going on. He won’t though; Awsten strictly forbade it.

“That’s for Jack and I to worry about,” says Alex, looking right at Awsten apologetically like he’s about to voice a very unpopular opinion. Turns out he is. “You’re all gonna be our backup and have important roles to play, but here’s the thing. We need to use one of you as bait.”

“No,” Awsten insists immediately, not even needing to think about it. “No fucking way. I’m not putting anyone in danger. Use me.”

Alex gives him a look one would give a petulant child who’s trying to be too smart for their own good. “We use you and we never see you again. You’re what they want. It needs to be one of your friends, someone the angel knows you’re gonna want saved. One of you will go to their lair under false pretenses, pretending to snoop around and then act all stupid when you’re caught.”

“Here’s what they don’t expect though,” Jack leans in, a bit excited, and pulls a small device out of his jacket pocket. “An old, non-celestial technique. You’ll be wearing a wire and a hidden camera. So before we attack, we’re gonna know who the angel is, what’s their agenda and their weak spots and we’re gonna end this once and for all. The angel won’t kill you, they’re gonna be waiting for Awsten to show up, and if you get hurt in any way, Alex can heal you. So you should be fine. We just need somebody who won’t freak out halfway through the action.”

“Now that you know the basics of it, any volunteers?”

The room goes very, very quiet. Travis, Geoff and Otto are all a bit pale. Kellen mutters “I didn’t bring a change of pants” and leans back on the couch to be out of the spotlight.

“I don’t fear death.” Elijah, a known idiot, shrugs with a grimace. “I’ll suck this angel’s dad’s dick in a Target parking lot any day. Please let me do it. Oh wait, is an angel’s dad actually God? That’s so metal. I can suck God’s dick too.”

“Well, I’m basically immortal,” offers Otto, and Awsten has to admit he’s kinda correct. “I live on a farm and I’ve been kicked and bitten and drooled on by so many animals. I was attacked by an entire beehive once and I only got two days off school afterwards, so. I’ll do just fine.”

Alex and Jack are looking at each other, considering both of the volunteers. However awful it feels that they’re going to risk their lives for Awsten, it’s also overwhelming that they’re _ willing to _ do this. Awsten needs to admit Otto and Elijah are the best candidates. 

“Come on, guys. There’s no point,” Jawn starts quietly from where he’s squished between Travis and the corner of the couch. “Obviously it has to be me.”

“What? No way,” Awsten bursts out. In a moment, his entire body rebels against the idea. No way he’s letting Jawn do it.

“Yes way,” Jawn smiles calmly, but he’s sad and resigned underneath it. “Think about this. Awsten and I have been roommates for two years now. I’m the one who’s most likely to really go snoop around and try to help him somehow. I’m the one Awsten’d ask, if we were doing this unprompted. We all know that. We have one chance to make this look inconspicuous. I’m the one chance.”

“No. No, just no, it can’t be you, it just can’t,” Awsten fights back helpless tears because Jack and Alex are already looking like they’re inclined to agree with Jawn. “I’m not letting you do that.”

“Lucky you don’t control me then, right?”

“Look, man, let’s just -” Awsten runs a hand through his hair in desperation. “Can we talk? Alone? Just for a moment?”

Awsten doesn’t care how weird and suspicious it must seem like to all the other guys. He can’t put off the conversation with Jawn any longer; Jawn seems like he’s reaching the end of his rope. Awsten’s been at the end of his own for weeks now.

“Yeah,” Jawn replies in a shaky voice. “Can we go up to the roof?”

“You can’t,” Alex immediately shuts down the idea. 

“Fine. Bedroom?” Jawn seems terrified, pissed off and sad altogether, leaving behind his half-eaten food and walking into Awsten’s bedroom before Awsten gets the chance to follow. 

When he closes the door behind himself, he can immediately hear Kellen start talking very loudly to the other guys and playing music from his phone to give Awsten and Jawn a semblance of privacy.

Jawn sits down on the rolling chair by the desk and starts taking deep breaths while staring at the ceiling. Awsten decides to remain standing.

“Before you do anything reckless out there,” he says, hoping to reach the intelligent part of Jawn’s brain, “hear me out. I know something’s been wrong lately, it’s been wrong for a while now and you didn’t get to tell me the other day, but. I don’t know if you’re depressed or maybe just regretful that we hooked up, but I’m sure we -”

“No, Awsten, you highlighter fuck, it’s not that, alright?” Jawn interrupts him, looking straight at him in a way that burns like hellfire and makes him uncomfortable. “I’m just. I’m in love with you.”

The first time Awsten ever heard these words in conjunction, he was euphoric. Butterflies in his stomach, pink clouds obscuring his vision kind of euphoric. This time, he’s rendered speechless, punched in the throat, weak in the knees. It makes him sit down on the carpet, even though the bed is right there. “S-say that again?”

Jawn’s not kidding. Awsten always knew his best friend was brave, but this amount of sheer courage, vulnerability disguised as bravado, overwhelms him as Jawn trudges on.

"Remember when we first moved to LA, had to eat with plastic cutlery and slept on one mattress on the floor? I loved you back then. Remember when you had a little nervous breakdown one week into work and you threw up on your shoes while leaving the apartment? Loved you then. When you told me the whole story of what happened to Waterparks? How you let them believe a complete lie for months? Still loved you, even though it was touch and go for a while.” If Awsten were to say any of that, he would already be crying, but Jawn’s eyes are dry and he’s so sure of himself it’s a little shocking. “I love you. I can't help it. We're not kids anymore so I'm not gonna wake up tomorrow and suddenly decide it was just a crush and be okay and move on. It's real. You deserve to know. And _ I _ deserve to finally be free of this secret.”

Awsten’s silent. Even if he wanted to say anything, he wouldn’t be able to, without it tearing his heart into fucking shreds first.

“I’m done. Now you say something,” Jawn urges. It’s visible in his posture and facial expression how relieved he is to have spoken his truth. 

"I think I'm gonna have a heart attack," Awsten manages with difficulty. The shock went through his body in waves and now it’s slowly leaving, and the reality he’s looking at is weirdly tinted a sunset shade of red.

"I'm sorry," Jawn says, but he’s not.

Awsten thinks about everything. He thinks about endlessly whining to Jawn about Geoff and how much he misses him every day. He thinks about claiming life as it is for him in LA makes zero sense. He thinks about casually offering Jawn sex and Jawn accepting it without needing much convincing. He thinks about talking to Travis last night and saying "anyway we're just fucking, there's nothing more to it". He thinks about posing naked for Jawn and about how _ different _ and good it felt whenever they did anything sexual, he thinks about the way Jawn kissed him not only because Awsten needed it, but because Jawn wanted to. He thinks and thinks and starts spiralling into panic again. He needs to focus, he needs to fucking focus, but there's no time. So he decides to speak instead, without filtering his thoughts at all. "You're the only thing that makes sense to me, you know? In a world where nothing makes sense anymore, you do. You're like, the one constant when everything else is turned upside down."

"Does that just mean that I'm boring?"

“No. Nothing about you is boring, especially not when you drop a bomb like this on me, Jesus fucking Christ, Rocha. And now you want to risk your life for me? Do you understand why I can’t let you?”

A strong urge to kiss Jawn breathless is battling an urge to slap him really hard across the face. Awsten crawls to the chair Jawn’s in and places his chin on Jawn’s knees, looking up at the other man who’s smiling very uncertainly.

“So -”

A heavy-handed knock on the door sounds off, Otto walking in right after without waiting for invitation. “I hate to break up whatever’s… going on… here… but Alex and Jack say we have to move now. Apparently your guardian angel reported some kind of activity to them? I don’t know, it sounds insane to me too but,” Otto shrugs. “They say we gotta leave.”

“Okay, we’re coming,” Awsten replies, catching Jawn’s gaze before they throw themselves into the whirlwind. “Promise me none of us are dying before we get to finish this conversation.”

Jawn chuckles, gently touching Awsten’s hair. “I’ll try my best not to.”


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's always new stuff in the [ blasted visual doc!](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1OQ04kXUHXC8OYEpVj6DZjGZWdUxflHJqcA_EfrNM_EI/edit)
> 
> tw violence, blood

Jack’s car is the most devilish thing Awsten’s ever laid his eyes on. It’s a brand new, black Lamborghini of some kind and it purrs like a panther while they’re driving through the sleepy streets of residential LA. It’s not quite dark out yet, but it’s going to get dark soon, and people are already turning the lights on in their houses, going about their quiet, regular lives. Meanwhile, some people are on their way to defeat an angel.

Awsten and Jawn are in the backseat, the space between them, filled with black matte leather, wide enough to seem like oceans. Awsten still feels like he’s treading on very wobbly ground, unsure of anything and anyone, but he really does need to concentrate on their mission now. His personal life, that was just flipped completely upside down, is a matter for later.

That doesn’t stop his brain from chanting _ Jawn loves me - an angel wants to kill me - Jawn loves me - an angel wants to kill me _ on constant loop. He even invents a melody to go with it, and it’s unfittingly upbeat. He hopes he remembers it whenever he gets the chance to record it. Which might be never. 

Jawn has his hands folded in his lap and he’s looking right ahead until Awsten draws his attention. “Hey,” he says, without a plan for what to say next.

“Hey,” Jawn replies, smiling reassuringly. “We got this.”

Maybe they do, maybe they don’t, but it’s good to know at least one of them is optimistic.

Alex, riding shotgun, twists in his seat to look at Awsten and Jawn. “See? Talking about your feelings is a wonderful thing. You should have done that way earlier! The vibe between you two is so much better now.”

“Well, we didn’t get to _ finish talking_,” complains Awsten, “or even pick the outfits we’re possibly going to die in.” As soon as they left the bedroom in wake of their broken conversation, they’ve been ushered out of the house and into cars: Awsten and Jawn with Jack and Alex, the rest of the boys stuffed in Travis’s old Nissan. “And I still don’t quite understand what’s going on.”

“We told you. Carter made a report. We didn’t want to scare all of you, but there almost was a gas explosion in your building.”

“A what?!” exclaims Jawn.

“Carter stopped it. Surprising how well he can actually do if he applies himself just a little, isn’t it? Anyway as long as Awsten’s not there, the building’s gonna be fine. So don’t worry,” Alex tries to be reassuring and fails spectacularly. Maybe Awsten should have been looking him in the eyes? That usually works to calm him down.

“The building will be fine, sure, but what about us? Aren’t you all in danger by just being in this car with me?”

“It’s my car, man,” says Jack from behind the wheel, keeping the speed steady and under the radar. “Do you think I drive around without the necessary protection? You’re fine. Besides, look who you’re riding with. An angel and a demon! And your lovely volunteer, of course.”

Jawn actually grins at Jack’s words. Awsten is going to be sick. “I still haven’t okayed that, just FYI,” he insists.

“Awsten,” Alex turns to him again, using the voice reserved for disciplining misbehaving kids and, apparently, young adults who refuse to go along with plans everybody else approved, even if they pertain to that specific person directly. “Jawn here was right. He’s the best candidate. He can be trusted, unlike some of your other friends who appear to be more… loose-cannony, if you get me. Besides, celestial beings can sense emotions, you know that, right? Whoever’s waiting out there, they’re going to recognize how you two feel about each other. It’s gonna make sense for them.”

Awsten hangs onto the “how you two feel about each other” for a second. Jawn reaches through the oceans of car seat space to take Awsten’s hand and Awsten is very, very grateful. It’s a second of respite.

_No dying before we get to talk properly._

Three minutes later, after no more than fifteen minutes of driving, Jack announces that they’ve made it. Awsten can hear the other car pulling up and stopping behind them. There’s a house on their left, an unfenced, inconspicuous one-story building with a For Sale sign in the yard, completely empty judging by the dark windows and the weeds that have grown on the lawn. A little bit further down the road, there’s a huge, free-standing garage, some gardening equipment strewn around the grass nearby in a seemingly random fashion. 

“Okay. Jawn, now we’re gonna wire you up and -”

Jack doesn’t finish whatever he wants to say, his and Alex’s attention diverted to something Awsten and Jawn can’t catch yet, and their facial expressions are concerning enough Awsten turns around to look out the back window of the car. Travis’s Nissan is covered in dark grey, nearly black smoke, that’s swallowing the entire vehicle and seems to be finding its way inside of it.

“What? Guys, what’s happening?” Awsten fights with the door to run and save his friends, or at least attempt to, but the door is centrally locked. 

“Their car isn’t protected. We’re being ambushed.” Jack’s the one to get out, steely and self-assured like nothing can harm him, and disappear inside the smoke. Alex reaches to grab Awsten by both shoulders to keep him inside the car by any means necessary, probably some angelic force combined with physical strength. 

It’s hard to see anything through the smoke, but Awsten feels like the panic inside his brain is turning into adrenaline, sharpening the hell out of his senses. He notices a hooded figure dressed in all black, with something like a shape of angel wings behind their back, carrying a limp, lifeless body out of the car. The figure moves quickly and they’re out of the smoke in a flash, letting Awsten see that the body in their arms is Travis. 

“No!” A spike of fear makes Awsten shiver seconds before he realizes two things: that all the talk about volunteers and loose cannons was for nothing, and Alex only has so many arms to hold so many people inside the car.

Jawn makes a leap for the dashboard, unlocks the doors with one press of a button and throws them open, jumping out and running faster than he ever did in high school PE classes. 

“Fuck,” Alex curses, but doesn’t let go even slightly, and Awsten has to agree. Jawn runs up to the hooded figure and tries to yank Travis back from them. They wrestle for a moment before the angel - now Awsten can see their imposing wings pretty clearly - just puts Travis down on the ground. Before Jawn can reach him, though, the angel squares him in the face so hard Jawn stumbles back and falls right next to Travis.

“Well, there goes our wire boy,” Alex mutters. “Where the fuck is Jack?”

Awsten’s not even fighting to free himself anymore, because it won’t help, they can do nothing, it’s all too hard and too much and they’re all going to die here. The unknown angel grabs both Travis and Jawn by their hands and starts unceremoniously dragging them towards the garage.

What none of them (and especially not the angel) expect though, are two known idiots. 

Elijah and Kellen emerge from the black cloud coughing and screaming at each other, but somehow the angel’s too busy dragging Jawn and Travis to the garage to even notice the guys picking up some of the gardening equipment, namely two amply-sized shovels, and launching a coordinated attack from the back.

The sound is dull and horrible. The angel drops to the ground, their wings folding themselves and disappearing, Elijah triumphantly waving his shovel in the air and Kellen bent down over the grass like he wants to throw up.

“Yo guys! Check this out, we just kicked angel ass like from here to West Virginia!” 

Finally Alex lets go of Awsten, but still sternly tells him to follow, so Awsten does and they go to the Nissan first, the cloud evaporating gradually now that the angel’s knocked out cold. 

Jack’s in the backseat with Otto and Geoff who look like they’re sleeping.

“I couldn’t move,” the demon tells Alex and it’s the first time Awsten sees genuine fear in Jack’s eyes. It unsettles him deeply. If the demon’s afraid, what else is there for the rest of them? “There must have been a curse because I couldn’t step even one inch out of the smoke or use any kind of force outside of it either. So I stayed and checked on these two, they’re okay, just stunned and unconscious. Wait, babe, where’s red hair?” The cloud’s mostly gone now, so Jack looks out of the car and his eyes go wide with amazement as he sees the angel lying face down on the ground. “Holy shit, who knocked him out? How?!”

“The asshats,” Alex replies grudgingly, seeing as Kellen is currently taking long drags out of Elijah’s juul while Elijah is checking Travis and Jawn for pulse. “I had no idea angels can be knocked out with shovels, but you learn something new every day. Let’s go, alright? No idea how long he’s gonna stay cold. Can you wake these two?”

Jack stays a minute behind, doing Satan knows what to bring Otto and Geoff round again, while Awsten follows Alex to where the rest of the guys are. His heart is pounding and he’s trying and failing not to run. 

“Are they alive?” he asks Elijah, who takes his juul back from Kellen and takes a drag himself. 

“Oh hell yeah, don’t worry. I think Travis got the worst hit of the smoke and passed out immediately. But there’s a pulse. Jawn is now really gonna need that nose job I told him about ten times already, but other than that he’s fine.” 

Awsten kneels in the grass next to Jawn who indeed has blood gushing out of his nose, and a couple scratches on his cheeks and forehead. Okay, this could have been much worse, right? It still _ can _ get much worse, and no internal reasoning will convince Awsten otherwise.

“Anyway, can we go back to Kel and I defeating an angel with _ shovels _ real quick?” whines Elijah.

“You didn’t defeat shit,” Alex states, crouched over the angel, picking up a spare feather that got lost on the lawn and examining it. “He’ll be waking up any second and he’s gonna wreck fucking havoc if we don’t contain him. Jack?”

Jack’s already there, right behind Alex. Geoff and Otto are there too, already up and awake but holding onto each other, slightly wobbly, like they’ve been woken up by a fire alarm in the middle of a nice afternoon nap.

“Jack, help me bring him inside,” Alex says, turning the angel to their back to finally have a look at their face. 

Inexplicably, Alex yelps then and takes a step back, completely abandoning the task and covering his mouth with his palm as soon as he sees the face. Right now, he’s the one who’s afraid. Maybe. Awsten’s not sure if he’s reading the guardian angel’s emotions well. But something’s very much not alright.

“Babe? Babe, what’s wrong?” Jack asks, running up to Alex and embracing him quickly. “I have no idea who it is, is it someone we know? Alex? You gotta tell me, man.”

Alex is quiet, hiding his face in Jack’s jacket and clinging to his partner. Without hoping to learn anything useful, Awsten decides to look at their attacker and he gets the strongest déjà vu feeling of his entire life.

He’s already seen this face. In his dream about drowning.

*

Moving to LA, Awsten expected many things.

He expected partying deep into the night, working his ass off networking and making connections. He expected being endlessly inspired to make music and finally getting his art out there in a proper way. He expected being pressured to drink and do drugs, maybe going to therapy because everybody else does. He expected spending a lot of time in traffic and, for some reason, eating a lot of Mexican food.

What he didn’t expect was helping to tie an angel up to a chair in a suburban garage turned Evil Liar.

The place is an absolute mess, and Awsten doesn’t even mean the countless empty cans of Monster Energy Drink or instant noodle cups. He means the multitude of monitors that look slightly out of date, like they were stolen from a local school. Piles of library books with pages torn out and littering the floor. Angelic sigils, like the ones cut into the flesh of his palms, painted on walls and the ceiling. And as a crown jewel, a photo of his face, something taken by Jawn at least a year ago and uploaded to Instagram, printed out at least twenty times in shitty quality and hung up all over the garage. There’s other photos too, some of them good, some of them pretty lame and paparazzi-like, as well as photos of all of Awsten’s friends, his family, one of his family cats and even his manager, Jen, eating a salad in a local Subway restaurant.

It’s fucked up. Awsten’s glad Travis is not knocked out anymore, sitting on an old ratty couch with the other boys trying to get their strength back. If they come out of this alive, he needs to turn this shit into a book. 

“Destroy all of it,” says Jack to Elijah and Kellen who are currently in the best physical form out of everyone. “All the photos and all the equipment. Don’t burn the place down just yet. And don’t touch anything that looks like it could be in any way cursed. Got it?”

“Yes sir,” Kellen replies, visibly terrified and excited simultaneously, and they both get to work, Kellen hitting an old computer with a shovel and Elijah ripping the photos off walls. 

The noise causes the angel, neatly bound to a chair with ropes spiced up by Jack with some dark magic, to open his eyes.

Some of his black fringe is obscuring his eyes, so he blows on it, then spits out some blood and eventually looks at Alex, who’s standing right in front of him. Awsten is close enough he can feel the guardian angel shake in rage.

“Alex. There you are. Took you long enough.” The words are something an old friend would say, but the angel’s tone is dripping with venom.

Awsten can hear Alex breathe in sharply. “Hi, Patty.”


	15. Chapter 15

“Wait. Hang the fuck on. Patty? As in your roommate from heaven Patty?” Jack seems flabbergasted, gaze jumping from Alex to the tied up angel and then back again.

“The very same,” Alex hisses. Now that the initial shock's worn off, he’s like a blank wall of rage, fury slowly rising and brewing inside of him. Awsten wouldn’t like to be in the body of Patty the traitor right now, but he’s also not jealous of Alex. A betrayal like that must really sting. “It’s like that, then, isn’t it?”

“Like what?” Patty asks, his voice coming out a little stifled because of all the ropes around his chest.

“It’s all about me. Upstairs is punishing me for Jack, aren’t they? Roping Awsten into it because he’s the reason I went, quote unquote, rogue in the first place? Pretending everything is cool, giving me a new mission and cooking up a scheme to take me down in the meantime?”

Patty grins, and even though Awsten still finds him kind of pretty, it’s not a nice sight. The angel looks deranged, madness escaping his eyes along with heavy dark makeup which is running down his cheeks. There’s a cut on his lower lip from his shovel-administered fall, blood leaking down his chin. His teeth are bloody too. “Not everything’s that simple, Alex. This is more of a two birds, one stone situation, baby.”

“Don’t fucking call him that,” threatens Jack, but both Alex and Patty ignore him, locked inside their conversation.

“Meaning?” Alex inquires, referring to the two birds, one stone comment.

“Meaning scaring you straight is just an added benefit to my mission. It’s mostly about Mr. Knight here.” Patty directs his eyes to Awsten, who immediately has that awful feeling of falling into a coma, but this time with no added sense of overwhelming peace. “See, our boy here by all means deserves to go to hell, but he won’t. He won’t because of you, Alex. By revealing yourself to him, years ago, you’ve marked him as good. You’ve chosen to protect him, even though it doesn’t align with what his soul is made of. We don’t want him Upstairs, we never will. So we've prepared a series of obstacles for him. Minor, scary happenings to make him stumble. To force him to make mistakes. To risk too much, to make selfish choices, which he's proven to be especially prone to, and if he hurts himself and dies along the way? Whoops. Our bad,” Patty shrugs with a cold smile. 

Awsten can’t even enjoy the feeling of satisfaction from just being proven right. He was right _ all the time_. Well, except when he thought he was possessed by a demon, but that’s irrelevant. His life was in danger, he was being targeted, coincidences don’t exist and the entire Earth is just one huge scam created to make his life particularly miserable. He can’t enjoy any of it, because he was just told he deserves to go to hell by someone actually knowledgeable on the topic.

Alex steps a little closer to the other angel, leaving Awsten and Jack behind, and when he speaks, his voice is nothing but chilling. “We were best friends,” he starts quietly, like every word brings him anguish. “How could you do that to me? I’d never, under any circumstances, do this to you. I’d take torture, suffering, I’d fall from grace, I’d rather_ die _ than betray you like that.”

Alex’s pain doesn’t seem to phase the other angel in the slightest. “I’m not gonna do that villain speech thing they do in the movies, because the villain usually ends up dead in those, and I’m not stupid. Let’s just say my superiors are very convincing.” Patty tries to straighten himself in his chair, like the memory of his “superiors” fills him with fear. Which is very likely - from what Awsten’s seen and heard of angels so far, not all of them are actually good. Far from it. 

“It’s Patrick, right? It’s fucking Patrick, I swear it must be him. I can’t think of anyone else who’s both that vindictive and also such a bureaucratic pain the ass.”

“You’re very perceptive, my friend.”

“Don’t use that word with me,” Alex raises his hand in a barely-there motion, finally overwhelmed by cold fury, and Patty inhales rapidly and starts coughing up his own blood. “You have no right.”

The temperature in the room suddenly seems to drop way colder, but when Awsten turns to check with the boys huddled on the couch, or Kellen and Elijah currently busy ripping up some huge book, he realizes they haven’t noticed anything. That’s when it hits him - Alex and Jack have both been extending a dome of supernatural protection over him, their opposite forces supporting each other. Now that Alex’s diverted his attention to hurting Patty for a moment, the only protection Awsten’s under is from Jack.

And it’s cold as hell.

“Give it up, Patty. You failed. It’s over. We’re the ones that got you tied up. So let’s discuss where we go from here.” When Alex is talking, Awsten can feel the warmth return slowly, and he blesses everyone and everything for it.

“I failed? So you tied me up - good job, I have to admit, especially with the sprinkle of darkness, it hurts just right,” Patty winks at Jack, who flips him off, “but do you seriously think I can’t hurt you? Wow. I never would have taken you for naive, Alex.”

Nobody speaks. Awsten is terrified that Alex and Jack actually don’t know what to do now. He doesn’t even want to entertain that idea. But maybe, just maybe, that's what’s happening. Perhaps the angel could use another shovel to the head.

“See, you’ve forgotten one thing,” Patty continues lazily. “You didn’t take my halo away.”

As if by magic, a golden ring flies out of Patty’s pocket. Transfixed, they all watch as it suspends itself over his head, growing to a proper halo size and shining bright, celestial light on the dusty garage.

Oh. So they did fuck up. They fucked up big time.

“Take a step back,” Alex practically shoves Awsten in the chest, but that’s everything he does. He doesn’t dare approach Patty now. 

“I know you can only protect one of them at a time,” Patty addresses Alex, and he’s a real sight to behold now, resurrected by the power of heavenly light emanating from him. “So, which one will it be? Should we check?" For the first time since he regained consciousness, Patty pays attention to Travis, Geoff, Otto and Jawn on the couch by the wall. "How about the sweet, supportive boy you guarded for twenty one years, that you know so well? A boy who doesn’t deserve any of this?”

Geoff makes a surprised sound, his eyes going wide and then he’s curling into himself in discomfort and pain. Awsten immediately tries to run to him, but realizes he can’t move, which is probably Jack fucking with him as usual. It doesn’t last long though, because Geoff straightens himself and waves his hand in the air. “I’m okay. I’m fine.”

“It’s a shitty feeling, helplessness, isn’t it? Well, how about pretty boy over here? So selfless he always puts the needs of his friends and loved ones above his own? So resilient his feelings could be messed with in so many ways and he’ll still stay loyal?” 

Otto gets hurt more than Geoff, or maybe he’s just taking it worse because he screams and nearly falls off the couch, staying there only thanks to Geoff and Travis holding him up. The ten or so seconds of watching his friend in pain is the worst kind of torture Awsten could have been administered. He just wants it all to end.

“Oh, Alex, you’re doing better than I thought,” Patty laughs. “Still protecting Awsten, wow. You’re committed.”

“Stop it, asshole. We know you can’t actually hurt the others. You’re not allowed to,” Jack's on edge, all of his usual cool completely gone. 

“Oh, you think, _ demon? _”

The air is filled with anticipation, but the bad kind of it. When Patty breaks eye contact with Jack, even Kellen and Elijah briefly pausing their destruction spree, Awsten wishes all the boys were far, far away from here, somewhere safe, perhaps in another timeline where they’ve never met him. 

It’s Jawn who makes a sound that breaks the tense silence, something between a groan and a whine like he doesn’t have enough air in his lungs to actually scream, and a blast of energy pulls him into the air and then smashes him against the ground like a helpless doll. Awsten feels a nearly supernatural pull, for the first time ever managing to break out of Jack’s protection, which gives him a sensation of walking under an icy cold shower, and he’s on the floor by Jawn’s side in a second, gathering the other man into his arms.

It’s all he can do anymore.

“Jawn? Hey, hey. I’m here. Fuck. I’m gonna murder someone - does it hurt? Of course it does, should we -”

“I’m alright,” Jawn replies in the weakest voice Awsten’s ever heard from him, even weaker than when he had stomach flu and spent four days throwing up constantly, ending up in a hospital with severe dehydration. Jawn’s nose is still bleeding, but the pain is also squeezing tears out of his eyes and making him clutch at his chest desperately. “Don’t - don’t worry about me. I can handle it.”

Awsten’s never been this furious in his life. If only he could punch Patty, he'd knock all his teeth right out.

Alex and Jack are now both circling the other angel. Awsten can’t be sure when it happened, but Alex is now wearing his halo, the light it emits just as bright as Patty’s.

“No? Not even me hurting the best friend bursting with unintentional love for Awsten can make you break? Okay, okay, last resort,” Patty continues, his eyes following Alex in circles as much as possible, “just give this a good thought, will you? How about the one _ you're _ bursting with unconditional love for? Your demon husband? The only one you really care about, even though you pretend to care about so many others? How about - that.”

“Fuck you,” replies Jack, raising both his hands and lighting up in illusive flames. Alex backs him up immediately, making Patty choke on his own blood again, the chair the angel is tied to shaking, and Awsten just_ knows_, he _ feels _ that he’s completely unprotected right now. He has Jawn’s head in his lap and remembers, _no dying before we get to finish our conversation._ It’s a mantra as good as any other. It gives him a little courage to speak up.

"Leave them alone,” he has to yell for the supernatural beings to pay attention. Immediately, he can feel the umbrella of angelic force extend over him again. “It's me you want, yeah? Try me then."

"Try you?” Patty’s nearly gleeful, like Awsten doesn’t know he’s being stupid. He knows. He’s just running out of options and desperate to keep his friends from harm. “Do you think you stand a chance against me? What are you gonna do, sing me a sad song about your feelings? You didn't even bring a guitar."

"I don't care. Just take me. And leave everyone else alone."

"Oh, don't worry. If it hadn't been for all the protection extended over you, that's bleeding your two supernatural friends dry by the minute, just by the way, I would have won a long time ago. Look at you. You know you deserve what's coming. You’re not a good person. You deserve to be in hell, nowhere else. You’re selfish, shallow and greedy. You attempt relationships just because you want to, and then hurt people who care about you. You’re incapable of love, at least in the way people are supposed to love other people. Even if you win tonight, you’ve lost anyway. You know that, Awsten.”

“Stop,” speaks up a voice from the back of the room, and it’s Geoff, in the dumbest, most endearing move Awsten has ever witnessed. “Awsten is a good person. He’s made mistakes, sure, but we all did. And he definitely knows how to love. I know that better than anyone.” 

Awsten manages to catch Geoff’s gaze. In another world, this would be the moment to confess his love for his former boyfriend, just one last time for good measure before all hell breaks loose. Things have changed and Awsten knows he can’t do that anymore, but he’s trying to tell Geoff things with his eyes anyway. Words, sentences, entire poems of feelings he won't be alive long enough to express. _ You still mean the world to me. I’ll never forget this. Thank you. _

“Oh, isn’t that cute?” Patty’s unbothered, of course. “Your ex high school sweetheart speaking up for you, even though he’s so in love with his new girlfriend he doesn’t even remember how it felt like to be with you.”

“Don’t listen to him, Awsten. Don’t.” Alex is still watching Patty like a hawk, tracking his every move. “It’s just a trick that’s supposed to fuck with you. It’s all lies.”

“I know,” Awsten replies, and he does. He knows it’s a technique, a ploy to hurt him, but it doesn’t change the fact that everything Patty’s saying kinda tracks. 

Maybe he's outlived his usefulness and they’d all be better off without him. 

“And your red-haired friend? Do you think he’s gonna come out unscathed from this mess you pulled him into? Do you think a broken nose is going to be his only damage? How about a broken heart? That's harder to fix. I’m not gonna give him that, but you probably will.”

Jawn tries to say something in response, at least Awsten thinks so, but he manages only to whine in pain. It’s basically impossible for Awsten to hold him closer, but he still tries.

“I’m not the real villain here, Awsten,” finishes Patty, licking his lips, spreading the blood from the gash like lipstick. “You are.”

In all honesty, Awsten can’t disagree with him. The image of Geoff walking away from him on a quiet street of their hometown flashes before his eyes. _Let me grieve in peace._

Will Awsten be allowed to peacefully grieve the death of his own morality?

“Jack, plan P,” a whisper passes from Alex to Jack when they meet halfway circling the evil angel, out of Patty's earshot. Alex himself seems completely exhausted, breathing heavily, too much of his energy spent trying to protect Awsten and contain Patty both at the same time. “I can hold him off for two minutes, so you gotta hurry.”

“Plan P? Are you sure?” Jack inquires.

“Positive.”

“Alright.” Jack squeezes Alex’s hand briefly and then he’s on the move, perfectly in tune with his partner’s plan. “Out, all of you,” he quickly starts shuffling the boys out; Travis can hardly keep his eyes open, probably still suffering the consequences of the smoke cloud. Otto and Geoff try to put up a bit of a fight, but Jack is too stern to discuss with. They gather by the door.

“Yo, Youtuber dude,” Jack yells to Elijah, who’s busy smashing a computer screen by stomping on it, “you drive. Just be careful, alright? One scratch on her and I’ll haunt you forever.”

Elijah catches the keys to the Lambo Jack tosses at him.

“He’s too fucking high to drive, man,” laughs Kellen, intercepting the keys from Elijah’s hand. “Why do you think we took an Uber to Awsten’s in the first place?”

“Yeah, I seriously can’t do it.”

“Okay, blond guy then. Take them all out of here. Right now.”

“Wait, what about Jawn?” Awsten screams before the doors close after Kellen. Jawn’s weak, bleeding and hurting. He should go with the others, where it’s safe.

“He stays,” says Patty firmly, focusing on Jawn again and making him yelp and shake. Awsten tries to shield him with his own body, but it doesn’t seem to help. “I’m not gonna touch any of the others, they’re no use to me anymore, but he stays.”

“Just fucking go,” urges Jack and the last thing Awsten sees of the boys is Otto’s absolutely terrified expression. 

“Hurry up, Jack,” rushes Alex impatiently. The garage door slams shut, the car engine sounds off seconds later, Jack takes off his jacket and tosses it over Patty’s head and his halo, joining hands with Alex who pulls a crumpled piece of paper out of the pocket of his jeans. “You ready?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be, babe.”

“Wait, what the fuck are you doing,” Patty demands to know, but no one answers, the room not only going cold this time, but also dark, Alex and Jack reading off the paper aloud and in unison. It sounds like Latin.

It sounds like a curse.

Awsten blinks twice when a beam of light, spreading from the ceiling to the floor, shows up right next to Patty’s chair. He blinks again and there’s a person standing inside of the beam.

“You again, Gaskarth? This better be something important.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #JawnDeservesBetter


	16. Chapter 16

The new person is definitely an angel. There is no halo or wings to be seen, and their outfit of choice is loose joggers and a white t-shirt, but their aura is so strong Awsten is immediately overwhelmed by it. It feels like walking into a warm room after freezing outside for hours. It even makes Jawn stir and blink his eyes open. 

_ We're gonna be fine.  _ Awsten is sure now. His heart is bursting with nice, colorful feelings for a change.

“I didn’t miss seeing you, I have to admit,” says the new angel, the beam of light Jack and Alex created to call him in already evaporated. Jack seems to have trouble breathing out of exhaustion after performing the curse, so Alex gently sits him down against the wall, running his palms all over his body and whispering in a foreign language. “I fucking hate the fact that you can summon me at all, but, well. Who do we have here?”

Alex takes his hands off Jack’s shoulders and turns to the guest. If Awsten’s correct, there is a shade of a smile on Alex’s lips. Without further ado, he removes the jacket thrown over Patty’s head. The angel’s halo dangles in the air above his head.

“Pete, let me explain,” starts Patty, but the new angel - Pete - makes a “zip it” gesture, and air stops on its way out of Patty’s mouth. He can’t speak. 

“I don’t wanna hear it from you, Walters. Gaskarth. You explain.” That’s when Pete notices Awsten, huddled with Jawn on the floor, and understanding flashes on his face. “You know what, I actually don’t think I need explanation from anyone. Patrick’s orders, am I correct?”

Patty wants to answer, but he can only nod solemnly. All of his attitude from before is completely gone. He’s terrified of Pete.

“And this is how you fulfill tasks assigned to you by an Elder Angel? You fulfill them so well you get captured and tied up by Alex and his demon, who live thousands of miles away from here, and these two emo idiots?” Pete waves his hand to let Patty speak again. 

“There was more of them,” Patty breathes out hopelessly, stopping to cough first. “Five more. I think. They found some shovels I cursed and - I was almost done, Pete, I swear, I would have killed Awsten Knight, if only they hadn’t pulled out this ancient summoning spell that honestly should have been banned ages ago I would have had him. I can still do it!” 

“No you can’t.” With ease, Pete reaches for Patty’s halo. It shrinks in his hands, down to the size of a ring again, and Pete places it on one of his fingers. Awsten might be a little bit, or a lot, in love with Pete. The angel seems to know him for some reason, maybe from before, or at least understand who he is and why Patty would be after him.

“But Pete! This is what Patrick wanted me to do! You can’t - you don’t have the authority -”

Patty tries to fight, but Pete’s not having any of it. “Oh, but I do. Not only do I have the authority over you, I also owe Alex here - and Jack, as much as it pays me to admit - a debt of gratitude. So, Gaskarth,” Pete turns to Alex again, smiling lazily, “tell me what you want me to do here so we can all go home. I was watching La Casa de Papel.”

Finally, Alex is acting like the person Awsten knows so well and respects so much. He wonders if angels can feel the auras of other angels, and how much higher than Alex and Patty Pete is in the heavenly hierarchy. Because it must be pretty high.

“Take Patty away, obviously. And make sure Awsten is never targeted again. He doesn’t deserve that.”

“That’s it? Wait, who’s his guardian angel? Because they also screwed up royally. Should I look into it?”

“It’s Carter Hardin, Pete. He’s a good guy, Jack and I had a talk with him. He’s just a newbie. I don’t know how he got the gig, but -”

“Patrick. Patrick assigned him, obviously,” Pete grimaces, playing with Patty’s halo on his finger. Patty twists within the ropes confining him to the chair.

“Ah. I should have known.” 

Awsten is still not sure why this Patrick person has such a grudge against him, but it’s okay, Pete is going to fix it, he’s going to fix everything. He can feel Jawn’s hand squeezing his while Pete continues talking to Alex. "Also choosing Patty for this job? Fucking sleazy, man. Weren't you guys, like, best friends?"

“Yeah. A long time ago.”

“I guess that’s over now.” With one snap of his fingers, Pete rearranges the ropes so that Patty’s not tied to a chair anymore. Instead, his hands are bound together, and so are his ankles. “Okay, we'll be going then. Walters, I’d ask if there’s anything you want to take with you, but I don’t think there’s anything left to take,” chuckles Pete, looking at the absolutely destroyed room around them. Kellen and Elijah did an excellent job.

“Thank you, Pete,” says Alex genuinely. “Thank you so much.”

“Yeah, whatever. We’re even now. Next time you find yourself in a mess like this one, you’re on your own. You too, kid,” Pete throws at Awsten.

“Wait.” Awsten is terrified to speak to Pete directly, but he has to. This is the only chance he’s ever gonna have. “He said I’m supposed to go to hell,” Awsten says, gesturing at Patty. “He said my only saving grace is the fact that Alex marked me. Is he - is he right?” Awsten’s voice breaks a little. “Am I gonna end up in hell, no matter what? Am I doomed?”

Pete gives him a look that seems to contain entire millennia of knowledge. “That was crap. No one’s ever really marked for anything. Sure, you would have gone straight to Hell if the scheme worked, but since it didn’t, you still have your life ahead of you. So if you live it right, who knows where you’ll end up. I sure don’t,” Pete shrugs, much to Awsten’s discomfort. So even  _ he _ doesn’t have the answers to the eternal questions? “You’re on your own now, no Heaven or Hell trying to mess with you, so it’s all up to your choices. You seem like a good kid, though. You’ll be fine,” Pete finishes, gives Alex and Jack a quick nod and places a hand on Patty’s shoulder, the two of them disappearing in a flash.

Awsten mindlessly stares at where they were standing just a second before. Burying his fingers in Jawn’s hair, he keeps staring, numb to everything around him, until he feels Alex’s touch on his shoulder.

“Let’s get you guys home, okay?”

*

Jack drives Travis’s old Nissan and curses all the way back to Awsten’s apartment.

“Not used to regular people cars anymore, are we, Jackie?”

“Alex, I love you to hell and back, but shut the fuck up or I’m making you walk.”

In the backseat, Awsten is holding half-conscious Jawn in his arms and whispering comforting, useless things into his ear, as Jawn did for him so many times before. 

They’re going home and everything is going to be okay now.

They’ll finally get to finish their conversation.

They’re both alive. Everyone’s alive. They won.

All the boys huddle outside of the building, Awsten realizing too little too late that they don’t have the keys to get inside, he does. Jack’s precious Lambo is there, neatly parked by Kellen and seemingly unscratched. Awsten exits the car, helping Jawn out and supporting him with his entire body. They’re immediately surrounded by all of the others, Awsten losing his left or right in a mess of limbs forming a big, spontaneous group hug. 

“I love you so much, you twinky little goblin,” Elijah whispers into his ear and wait, is he crying? “I’m so happy you didn’t die.”

Awsten’s happy, too. So he allows himself a tear or two, blesses the unnamed higher power for the existence of his friends, and hugs everyone back with all the strength he has left, even if Otto’s hair gets in his mouth at some point.

*

The day’s gone too quickly, even if Awsten’s not exactly sure what time it is. He feels like they went to confront the angel in the evening and didn’t come back until it was nearly morning, but this must be wrong. He’s dead tired. 

What he knows is that it’s the first day of something brand new for him.

He gets to not be afraid.

Jawn is gently seated down on the couch, Awsten grabbing his absolutely ruined denim jacket and putting it in the laundry basket immediately. Jawn’s gonna be bummed out; that damn jacket is his absolute favorite. Everyone watches with tense attention as Alex leans over him, fully focused on muttering quiet spells in a melodic language, touching Jawn’s body with his fingertips like he did with Jack before. The open cuts on Jawn’s skin close, the bloody bruises fade and he starts looking more alive in general. 

“Alright, I’m going to fix your nose now,” Alex warns, Jawn blinking in dizzy acknowledgement. “Hold onto something because this might hurt.”

The closest thing to hold is the hand Awsten offers. Jawn grabs onto it tightly, Alex waves his own palm in front of Jawn’s face, Jawn releases a small groan and his head rolls back, eyes closing.

“Did you just kill him?” Otto inquires, leaning over Travis’s shoulder to get a closer look.

“He just passed out. It’s fine. He needs to sleep it off, so don’t worry if he’s asleep for a long time, alright?” Alex makes sure Awsten keeps his cool. “Jack, help me get him to bed.”

The apartment gets a little more quiet after that. Elijah and Kellen decide to go home, the rest of the guys ordering some food before getting ready to hit the road, too. Awsten, a little overwhelmed by everything, unable to think clearly yet, retreats to Jawn’s bedroom where the other man is asleep like Alex said he would be, recovering from all the damage he took. 

He looks so peaceful when he sleeps. Awsten wishes he could feel even half that peaceful himself, he thinks as he sits on the floor by the bed, watching Jawn like a creep, but it’s hopeless. All the fear and anxiety he carried all these weeks is still somewhere within him, not quite gone yet, and he doesn’t know where to put it.

He’ll do something with it eventually.

The bedroom door’s open, but Geoff knocks anyway like the nice boy he is. 

“Hey. Can we talk?”

Awsten inwardly cringes, remembering their uncomfortable kiss in the kitchen, and then Kellen nearly outing him and Jawn to everybody. It all  _ just _ happened, yet feels like a part of a previous lifetime.

“Sure. Let’s go to the roof.”

There’s no reason for Alex to forbid Awsten going there anymore, so he leads Geoff out of the apartment, through the building corridors and up a ladder to the flat surface of the roof, warmed up by the sun that’s just about to start setting. Or maybe rising, since Awsten can’t tell time anymore. He takes a seat on a metal ramp surrounding a piece of construction that does God knows what, and Geoff chooses a spot right next to him.

“So that was - a thing,” he breathes, their gazes cross and for some reason they both start laughing. It feels good, it feels fucking great and light and liberating, they’ve been through this before, they came out alive yet again and, somehow, Geoff’s still here. By his side.

Maybe some things are forever after all. Even if they change shape overtime.

“First of all, I’m sorry, Awsten,” Geoff finds a serious tone again, not quite looking at him, opting to look at the pink-tinted clouds instead.

“What? What are you sorry for?”

“Come on. I didn’t speak to you for two years. I was - that was wrong of me, and I apologize. I regret I let it go on for so long. I sound like a fucking asshole now, but I hope you can forgive me someday.”

Awsten wants to say there’s nothing to forgive, and that he never found Geoff guilty of anything, because that’s the truth. “Did you grieve?” he asks instead, and Geoff frowns at him.

“What?”

“Our breakup,” Awsten says, hating the taste of the word on his lips. “You said you needed time to peacefully grieve our relationship. It was the last thing you said to me, you know. Until you came here.”

“I - I don’t remember that,” replies Geoff with sadness, or is it nostalgia? “But yeah, I did grieve. I was so committed to the idea of us, you know? We had all these plans, we were going to focus on the band first, make money, then have a family, fuck, I could see us growing old together, I - I guess that’s what happens when you love someone as much as we loved each other. It hurt so much when it all fell apart. I didn't know what to do with myself.”

Tears threaten to fall from Awsten’s eyes, so he pushes his nails into the flesh of his palms to stop it. He hates himself so much right now. “That’s all on me. I was stupid, and I ruined it. I should never have moved to LA. You see how great it turned out for me,” he adds sarcastically. 

“You didn’t ruin it.” Geoff shuffles his feet on the surface of the roof. “I mean, sure, I did blame you for the longest time, until I finally did a lot of thinking and realized I just never could keep up with you.”

“What?” Out of all the things Geoff could have said, this one comes across as surprising. It's like one of the reasons people make up to justify unjust actions, but Geoff doesn't have an unjust bone in his body, so he must actually mean it.

“I tried for so long. You go a mile a minute, and I just go half a mile a day at best, I think. It took me a while to realize that’s okay. So it was never going to be me, you know. As much as I loved you, we just didn’t fit in the long run. If you hadn't moved to LA, something else would fuck us up, sooner rather than later.”

“I - Geoff, I don’t know what to say.” Awsten’s filled with a whole new ocean of fondness for Geoff, but the waves are also carrying along a ton of misery, forcing him to reflect on his past behavior yet again. And it’s not his favorite pastime. “I didn’t - I never expected you to keep up with me. I would have -”

“It’s alright,” Geoff interrupts him, placing his hand on Awsten’s knee where his jeans are ripped. “You deserve someone who keeps your pace. And I think you already found that person. Which honestly makes me so happy.”

_ Well, fuck. _

Geoff smiles at him, like everything really is okay. Someday Awsten might even believe that. “Look. I know you were just nearly murdered by an angel and you’re gonna need some time to recuperate, but as soon as you do, we’re gonna make music together, alright? We’re bringing Waterparks back. You need us. Don’t say no.”

“I - I wasn’t gonna.” Awsten’s birthday is in January, but it might as well be today with all the good things life’s bringing him. 

“Cool. Travis says you’ve written tons of good shit. I’m excited to hear absolutely every second of it,” Geoff stands up, patting Awsten on the back. “For now though, I think we should get going.”

Geoff turns to leave before Awsten makes a move. He can feel tears rolling down his cheeks as he watches the impossibly, beautifully pink sky. This moment should carry more weight, he thinks. It’s supposed to be more monumental.

It’s not. Awsten’s both incredibly happy and deeply, irremediably sad.

“Awsten?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m right behind you.” 

He wipes the tears with the sleeve of his hoodie and rushes to join Geoff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this might seem like the ending, but I promise you there's more, whether you like it or not


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let's hear it one last time for [THE PLAYLIST](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4vSvnHCvq3MVrqBwUWk6mJ?si=BOGIvUUZQqSbqlamGBvnUg) and [THE VISUAL DOC!](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1OQ04kXUHXC8OYEpVj6DZjGZWdUxflHJqcA_EfrNM_EI/edit)

The sun’s set and Awsten can finally tell time properly. It’s late in the evening, and the Houston boys are going home.

It’s been a while since Awsten’s been conscious of the existence of people other than him and his friends. When he steps out to the street in front of his building, he can suddenly see them, all the strangers going about their business, and wonders where they’ve all been gone the past couple of days. 

Now it seems like there’s way too many of them in LA.

There’s no more words to be spoken between them for a while, so Awsten sees Geoff off with a quick hug. Otto, however, feels the need to embrace Awsten for much longer and pat his back without an end in sight. 

“We're bringing Waterparks back,” Awsten whispers to him, and Otto pulls back at last, with a cheeky wide grin.

“Whose idea do you think it was?” he winks, ruffles Awsten's hair and gets in the back of the Nissan. The goodbye’s complete. “See you soon, man. Eat some fruit sometimes! And no, sucking dick doesn’t count.”

That just leaves Travis, who's leaning against the car, arms folded across his chest, looking at Awsten with a smile wise beyond his years. 

“I don't know when and how I'm gonna wrap my head around what happened, but when I do, do you wanna be a consultant for my new book?” he asks. Of course Travis would want to immortalize everything as fiction. It’s only fair.

“Not a consultant._ The _ consultant.” This story deserves to be told properly and truthfully. With changed names and other identifying personal details, obviously. “And hell yeah I wanna. We’re gonna make it into a bestseller, trust.”

They smile at each other and Awsten just can’t help but want to tell Travis something; the truth he might have omitted before just because he wasn’t ready to accept it himself.

“Hey, Travis? Remember when I told you a secret? About -”

“Of course,” Travis doesn’t need any more explanations, thank fuck.

Awsten drops his voice to a whisper, even knowing Geoff and Otto are already inside the car with the doors closed. “I'm pretty sure I love him.”

It feels great to speak the words into existence.

“I know, Awsten. I mean, it's pretty obvious. I just wanted to give you the chance to come to that conclusion yourself,” Travis replies, because of course he knew, Awsten’s a freaking open book to him, has always been. 

“Ugh, you're the actual worst,” Awsten states with zero venom, meaning Travis is really the actual best, and gives Travis a long hug goodbye. “I'll be seeing you.”

“Soon, hopefully. I hear the band’s back?”

“It will be.”

“That’s awesome. I’m proud of you, man.”

“Fuck off now, I need to sleep,” laughs Awsten, pushing Travis away before he gets too emotional yet again.

*

Before leaving, Alex gives Awsten a shitload of tips and suggestions.

“The amulet and the cross are not as useless as we thought, so keep wearing them just in case. Better safe than sorry, yeah? I would keep the salt line in the apartment too, just for a while. And it won’t harm you to have some holy water at hand at all times. Oh, and no more spiritual seances, got it? Tell your friend Elijah to not try to play medium either, this is no joke.”

“Alex? Pete promised I won’t be targeted. I can’t believe I’m gonna be the one to say this, but I think we need to take it easy.”

“I know, I know. It’s just, bloody angels, dude. You can never fully trust them.”

Awsten decides not to mention Alex is an angel himself. He watches him drink a glass of water and them slam his palm on the table. “Ready to go, Jack?”

“I am. Take care, yeah?” Jack shakes Awsten’s hand, a chill running down Awsten’s spine and making his toes curl. He’ll never get used to handshakes with a demon.

“Be careful. I mean, live a normal life, you can totally do that now, but just keep your eyes open for whatever seems out of the ordinary. You’ve got my number, don’t be afraid to use it. And oh, we’ll stop by at Carter’s for one last short talk before we go home.” Alex embraces Awsten, gathers the last of his things and he’s finally out the door, Jack saluting while they leave.

Awsten doesn’t even make it to lock the door from the inside when he feels it open yet again, so he steps back. “I think I left it in the bedroom, I’ll be quick!” Jack yells to Alex who’s probably halfway downstairs at this point. 

“What did you leave?”

“My jacket. On purpose.” Jack saunters away to Awsten’s bedroom and indeed comes back with his vintage leather jacket. But that’s not at all why he came back, is it? “Look, kid. Alex won’t tell you this, but I will,” the demon starts, proving Awsten right. “You can never contact him again. I know he left you his number. Lose it. For your own good, but ours as well.”

Yeah, Awsten kinda expected that.

“Why are angels such assholes?” he asks Jack as he deletes Alex’s number with a great sense of loss filling his heart. “Aren’t angels supposed to be good? Protect the people, save their souls, all that crap? Do you really think they’d use our connection against us yet again?”

“I don’t know,” Jack admits, looking out of the window where Alex is waiting in front of the Lambo, fixing his beach blonde hair in the car’s mirror. “All I know is I somehow got stuck with the best one there is, and I can’t afford to lose him. Not again,” there’s a shade of old pain beneath Jack’s words and Awsten won’t scratch that wound open. “I have to protect what I’ve got. You’ve got a lot to protect too.” 

Awsten thinks about his family. His parents, unaware they’re living in a thoroughly salted house, kept safe from harm from the distance. His sister, always ready to drop everything and drive to get hot wings with him at the most ridiculous hours of the night. He thinks about his friends who risked their lives for him with no hesitation. About smart, caring Travis who’s never given him anything but good advice and support. About Otto, who spent two years slowly convincing Geoff to not hate Awsten and the idea of making music together again. About Geoff who’s been through hell and back with Awsten, still offering him nothing but warmth and friendship. He thinks about Kellen and about how much he loves making other people laugh. About Elijah and about how much he loves Sam, his dogs and causing chaos, and how they’re always there for him in the most insane moments.

He thinks about Jawn, the way he jumped out of Jack’s car to wrestle an evil angel not even half an hour after confessing his love to Awsten.

Jack puts on his jacket and gives Awsten a final look. “Have a good life, Awsten,” he says in lieu of a goodbye. 

“Thanks. You too, Jack.”

“I will,” Jack smiles, closing the door.

*

Jawn’s asleep.

He’s been asleep forever after Alex healed his wounds, just like the angel promised. It’s late in the morning now and Awsten is in bed next to him after getting a good night’s sleep himself, headphones on, busy writing music in an outpour of inspiration, wondering whether he's still gonna have a job when he shows up at Better Solutions tomorrow. 

He considers not showing up at all.

As soon as Jawn moves and opens his eyes, though, Awsten abandons everything he's been doing.

“Oh my Gooood,” Jawn whines, slowly stretching his entire body. Awsten’s gaze hangs onto the bruises on his friend’s shoulders and chest, cuts on the side of his face, still prominent reminders of their encounter with an angel gone bad. “Hi. How long have I been asleep?”

“Basically forever,” Awsten replies, sliding down the pillows to be level with Jawn and smiling in what he hopes is a cute way. Without much of a reason, Awsten’s heart starts beating way too fast. Well, maybe there is a reason, but he’s refusing to think about it yet. Jawn rubs at his eyes.

“Ugh. I need a shower. I don’t - I don’t even remember falling asleep. I remember Alex trying to fix my nose and then -”

“You passed out,” Awsten’s happy to remind him. “The nose is all good though.”

Jawn runs a finger over the bridge of his nose, which is indeed just like it was before, and definitely not in need of plastic surgery like Elijah keeps insisting. “Okay. Shower. Then you can tell me what I missed.”

There’s some stiffness in Jawn’s movements, like he’s still hurting a little, but he manages to get up slowly and head for the door. “Is anyone else still here or is it just us?” he asks before exiting the bedroom.

“Oh, they all left in the evening. Geoff asked to hug you for him. So, you know. I’ll wait,” Awsten chuckles, hoping his discomfort and nerves don’t show too much.

“I’ll be quick then.”

While Jawn's gone, Awsten tries to return to his writing, but it’s no use. His hands are sweating, his heart is trying to make a run for it, and his thoughts are spinning in an endless circle, remembering his last conversation with Jawn, trying not to remember Jawn suffering on his behalf in that old, messy garage.

He’s alone with his thoughts in an apartment that feels impossibly empty again, now that everyone’s gone, until Jawn comes back.

“Come get your hug! Huh hug hug hug,” sings Awsten, making Jawn laugh and shake his head. Jawn’s nearly naked, just a towel around his waist and Awsten’s fully dressed, but he can still feel the other man’s warmth seeping through the fabric. He’s careful not to hug too hard because of all the bruises and healing cuts on Jawn’s skin, but it’s also difficult not to fall into the instant feeling of comfort Jawn’s giving him.

When they pull away, they just look at each other from up close. Awsten saves the moment in his mental collection among many others. He needs to catalogue them better. His head's completely void of any thoughts except how pretty Jawn's eyes are.

“I’m stressed," declares Jawn out of nowhere, at the same time as Awsten says, “You have pretty eyes.”

“Wait, what?”

“Your eyes are pretty,” shrugs Awsten, running his fingertips down the side of Jawn’s jaw. “I just needed to tell you.”

“I’m - yeah, thanks, whatever, can you just let me down gently so we can move on and hopefully never mention this - you know what I mean - again?”

Awsten recoils in surprise. “No! I don’t wanna let you down gently."

"Oh. Alright." Jawn looks disappointed and a little hurt. "Let me down… hard, then?"

That's even further from what Awsten wants to do. No, no, no. Jawn's getting it all wrong. "I don’t wanna let you down at all, that’s not what’s happening.”

“Is it not? Because let me tell you, as alluring the thought is, I don’t want to be your second best.”

Awsten shouldn’t have forgotten about Jawn’s painful honestly that slaps him across the face. “That’s not what you would be. You’d be a completely new start. We’d be - we’d be unstoppable. Unbreakable.”

The visions of what could be light Awsten up from the inside. He wants it, he wants it so much he promises the world he’ll never ever want anything else, even though he knows it’s a lie and he will. Still it’s a bit of a letdown when Jawn doesn’t seem to share the same emotions, instead opting for grabbing Awsten’s wrist and giving him a serious look. “Awsten. Forgive me for saying this, but - how do I know you’re being truthful? Or, let me rephrase that, how do _ you _ know you’re being truthful? That the Geoff stuff is truly over? That you really want _ us _to happen?”

Thankfully, Awsten has just the answer Jawn’s searching for. “Geoff kissed me,” he confesses, waiting for the flash of disappointment or maybe even jealousy on Jawn’s face, and there it is alright. “Well, he tried to. It didn’t really go anywhere, because I felt nothing. Or rather I felt all the wrong things.” Awsten is searching for a way to explain so that Jawn understands and truly sees what’s inside his heart. “Whatever we had, Geoff and I, it's been gone for a long time now. I just didn't have a chance to realize that before.”

Awsten’s been dragging around a corpse, fruitlessly hoping that if he tries hard enough, he can breathe life back into it. His world revolved around this one obsession, but now it doesn’t and he’s better for it.

“Are you sure?” Jawn asks, his resolve breaking, Awsten’s heart straight up hammering at this point, begging the entire universe, but Jawn specifically, to believe him.

“One hundred fucking percent. Jawn, he kissed me and all I could think about was you. So whether you and I end up dying in a ditch, or taking over the world, I think we should do it together. I _ know _ we should.”

“Okay, compelling arguments,” Jawn shakes his head with a smile, taking both of Awsten’s hands and pulling him in for a kiss. It’s a nice surprise, a warm and happy feeling making Awsten’s head swim, Jawn a little incoherent, like he can’t focus on the kissing properly, wanting to say things instead. “Okay, alright. Wow, is this real?”

“Realer than real, baby,” Awsten claims, bringing their foreheads together. “However,” he sighs, because some less than nice things also require to be said, “I feel like I should come with a warning label.”

“What?”

“You know what I mean.” Awsten’s overwhelmed by a wave of conflicting feelings. Jawn knows all the dark sides already, so why not just be carried away by the moment? Awsten would love to, but he trudges on to list his worries. “Remember how the angel said I can’t love properly. That I don’t know how to.”

“That’s bullshit, Awsten. It was a trick to mess with you, right? I’m not sure I was lucid enough to catch all of that.”

“Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. My life's a mess anyway. Are you sure you still want me? Because I need you to be sure.”

“Awsten.” Jawn brings himself even closer to Awsten, surrounding him with both arms. “I don't know if you've noticed, but I've been right here throughout all the mess and didn't run for my life yet. What I feel remains the same. I think we make a great team. Does that mean anything?”

It means the entire universe, and takes the words out of Awsten’s mouth for a moment, so he just nods, his arms winding up around Jawn’s naked waist.

“I’m scared of promises,” Awsten says quietly when the words come back to him, “I just think I realized life is too messed up and unpredictable and some things just tend to break. Or fall apart. I can do one thing though.”

“I’m listening.”

“I can do my best to love you, with all of my heart and soul and brain and body, and whatever else you might want. Every day, every night, every fucking hour. I don’t know if it’s going to be exactly what you need, but it’s going to be everything I can give.”

“You know what?” Jawn replies, the sun crashing against his bright red hair, and maybe it’s the most beautiful he’s ever looked, “that’s more than enough.”

Awsten’s the one who initiates a kiss this time, needing a release of all the pent up feelings before he, God forbid, starts crying. Jawn gives in, letting him take the lead, and it’s like they’re both smiling through it, breathing each other in on the first day of their completely new life. Which, coincidentally, currently looks just the same as their old life, with piles of unopened boxes in the living room, not enough plates and noisy neighbors who watch shitty reality TV.

It’s okay. Awsten enjoys this life. They can take it anywhere from here.

“What the fuck, are we really giving this a shot?” Jawn asks when they separate, like he can’t quite believe what just happened.

“Yeah, I think we’d be stupid not to.”

They lie down on the pillows reveling in the peace and quiet for a while longer, Awsten resting on Jawn’s chest, Jawn playing with his neon hair. "Is this the moment when you finally let me eat your ass?" Awsten asks obnoxiously, and if he actually means it, who cares. Might as well.

“Jesus Christ, man,” chuckles Jawn in disbelief. “Invite a guy out for dinner first.”

“That's doable. After that, will you let me?"

"Depends on how the date goes. Who knows. Jury’s out. Probably not though."

“That’s okay,” Awsten replies, letting himself sink into the easy feeling of Jawn’s embrace. “I still like you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> epilogue soon!
> 
> please leave your thoughts with me, I love you forever


	18. Epilogue

**Two years later**

*

It’s fun being kissed.

It’s fun, and cool, and nice being wanted so much that the other person can hardly wait for a moment alone with you, even if that moment can only take place in a venue bathroom of doubtful cleanliness. It does good things for your self-esteem. 

It’s nice being loved. Awsten’s been loved in a very requited way for two years now. It might not be everything it takes to make him happy, but it’s a very large component of it. It's getting harder and harder to remember life before this love. 

“We’ll break something,” he warns, a bit short of breath already, as he’s being pushed onto the countertop by the sink, knocking something that’s perhaps a soap dispenser into the sink in question. 

“Let’s break something then, baby. Like true rockstars.”

Awsten loses it at this point, his legs wrapped around Jawn’s waist dropping as he laughs with his entire frame, leaning back, his head touching the cold surface of a mirror behind him. Jawn mostly ignores the fit of giggles, methodically undressing the lower half of Awsten’s body and then moving on to kiss his neck, hands everywhere. 

“No breaking, we’re good boys. We can get cum on the soap dispenser though, if you really want to.”

“Ugh, no, gross.”

They haven’t fucked in like a week. It’s not like Awsten can’t go without sex for that long, or even longer, because he can and he did, but it’s difficult to go that long without sex with Jawn when they’re constantly in close proximity on the tour bus, Awsten charged by the adrenaline of the nightly shows, his brain making happy chemicals like crazy. And being happy causes sex to be even better, so he keeps wanting it and not being able to have it, because their tour bus has strict rules that they're going to follow or die trying. No sex is top of the list.

So when they have to settle for a venue bathroom, they settle for a venue bathroom. It’s part of the charm of their world.

Awsten spent the last two years working his ass off.

Whatever he planned to do with Elijah back in the day, which meant consensually using him to build clout around his own music, he did mere weeks after the whole Patty mess was over. This time, though, it was him, Otto and Geoff together as a band. It was their all or nothing.

It caught on. Finally. As soon as their brand of fun, energetic, quirky and truthful with an added dash of chaos was out there for people to enjoy, they’ve started responding to it. Labels caught wind of their quick online success and their first EP was out within months. 

A proper whirlwind. An amazing one, if you asked Awsten.

They’re in midst of a huge American tour right now, promoting their first album, about to go overseas to play some support shows as well, and every time Awsten opens his eyes in the morning, he needs a minute to do a mental checklist and convince himself it’s all actually happened. That it’s his real life.

It's a trip and a half living like that, and Awsten indulges in it. It's been his dream, his only goal ever since he finally got his priorities straight. It's been crazy, it's been exhausting, it's been great. His head has been in the clouds more often than not. 

All this time, though, he's been firmly anchored within reality. Jawn's the anchor. He's always been the anchor, the most solid connection between Awsten and the world of the living. That hasn't changed, even when their life did a dramatic 180.

They make home in LA. Slowly, gradually, but they do. It gets worse at first when Awsten decides to quit his job and split his time between LA and Houston, where he practices and writes with Geoff and Otto, but him and Jawn have a long discussion beforehand about how to make things work and what it's gonna take. Jawn picks up some jobs he doesn't necessarily love and they eat microwaved ramen more often than good takeaway, but it pays back pretty quickly. They move into a nicer apartment with proper space for Awsten's music and Jawn's photography. They get enough plates to have people over for dinner and not have to eat out of takeaway containers. Awsten finally buys a decent car. 

Elijah and Sam get married in the spring, and they throw a reception at the beach. Kellen does comedy full time now. Awsten’s not sure what happened to their manager Jen nor does he care. Travis's books are sold in every Barnes & Noble and the internet is full of theories about how closely the characters are based on the members of one Houston band called Waterparks, coincidentally friends with the author.

Awsten gets out of his head and back to the venue bathroom where Jawn's dropping to his knees in front of him.

The memories of Jawn being shy and inexperienced in sexual situations with him are still fond in Awsten’s heart, but that’s all they are now - memories. They’ve had a lot of time to figure out what works for both for them and what doesn’t, and Awsten can say he’s honestly proud of the level of communication they’ve achieved; communication that works in many spheres of their life. 

When it comes to sex, they don’t need to talk much anymore. 

Awsten threads his fingers through this boyfriend’s hair as Jawn’s sucking him off (or most likely just teasing him, because Awsten knows Jawn won’t let him finish this way). Jawn’s hair is shorter now, still part black, part vibrant red, and paired with his facial hair he looks hotter than ever, Awsten filling up with pride every time they are seen together, hell, maybe even every time he looks at Jawn. The sexiest thing is watching Jawn work though, fully immersed in his element, seamlessly fitting into the role of the band’s photographer and videographer, allowing him to be a vital part of this entire enterprise. 

That’s why lately Awsten’s been turned on 90% of the time he’s awake. It makes total sense.

Jawn pulls away very slowly and deliberately, Awsten whining at the loss of touch, the cool air of the room far less nice to his dick than Jawn’s warm mouth. 

“Come with me,” Jawn says, reaching for Awsten’s hand and taking him somewhere Awsten can’t really see because Jawn also decides to pull his sweater and hoodie off him while he’s at it. When he regains vision he’s facing the bathroom wall, a strong hand carefully, but decisively pushing him flat against it. 

Okay then. It’s definitely one of the days when Jawn’s the one in charge. Awsten’s not gonna complain. 

The wall is frigid against his body, so he moans out, “Cold,” just to make Jawn touch him more. 

It works like a charm. Jawn’s already naked, embracing Awsten from behind, bodies sticking together, warm and cozy in contrast to the cold wall, Jawn’s arms winding up around Awsten’s chest. “Better?” he asks straight into Awsten’s ear, nipping at his earbud softly.

“Yeah,” Awsten nods, trying to turn his head just so to capture Jawn’s lips in a kiss, but it proves a little difficult, so he settles for the feeling of Jawn kissing his neck and jerking him off in the laziest motions. 

“Jawn, we don’t have all day. If I’m late for soundcheck Lucas will literally murder me and feed my body to the local pigeons.”

“I won’t let him,” Jawn declares. “I’ll protect you by whatever means necessary.”

“Oh, you’re gonna be my knight in shining armor?” It’s not the easiest thing to speak while Jawn’s hand is still stroking his dick, but he does his best.

“If anyone’s a Knight here, it’s you.”

“Yo, you can be one too, after we get married,” Awsten teases, even knowing marriage is not in the cards for them for a long time; they’re way too busy to throw the kind of event that would honor their relationship properly. 

“Like hell I’m taking your last name.”

Awsten will make Jawn change his mind at some point; he’s sure of that. They can both have those pretentious, hyphenated last names. _ Awsten Constantine Knight-Rocha _ not only sounds like a movie star, he also sounds rich as fuck. He opens his mouth to tell Jawn, but since that’s when Jawn decides to start fucking him, nothing comes out except for an incoherent yelp.

Jawn gives him a second to adjust because he’s nice like that. “How fast do you want me to go?”

“Not, like, full speed. Maybe an 8 out of 10? Maybe start at a 6 though.”

“I’ll try,” Jawn replies, voice a little strained, “but it’s kinda hard to control myself, you know, when I finally get to have you like that.”

They give up the wall situation a couple minutes in, realizing it’s more exhausting and painful than exciting and pleasurable. Awsten misses their bed at home when he’s bent over the counter, hands grasping for the tap over the sink to have anything to hold onto and keep his balance.

No complaints though. Not too many at least. Jawn does start at a 6, quickly climbing upwards to a 9 and as much as Awsten would like to spend forever alone with him in this bathroom, he also likes getting a little rough and breathless sometimes, not convinced whether he's still alive or having already completed ascension. Jawn's holding him very tightly against his chest, dropping featherlight kisses to Awsten's shoulder blades and the skin between them, making him feel every bit of the friction. 

Awsten forgets the dirty bathroom and his hurting knees when he looks up into the mirror, showing the two of them in detail. Awsten’s pupils are blown wide, hair a pathetic mess, pink teeth marks down his neck, Jawn nothing but a pile of red locks behind Awsten’s arm and a pair of tanned arms wrapped around his chest. 

“Hey,” Awsten taps Jawn’s hand, trying to draw his attention to the reflection in front of them. “Hey. Look.”

“Fuck.” Jawn’s eyes catch Awsten’s in the mirror as he raises his head. “That’s fucking hot,” he decides, his palm sliding down Awsten’s chest and stomach to his dick. “You’re so hot.” 

Awsten revels in the feeling, knowing Jawn is getting close, holding his gaze and urging him to go faster until he feels the other man shake and collapse his weight on top of Awsten. It takes Jawn just a couple seconds to collect himself and get down on his knees to take Awsten into his mouth yet again. Wow, he’s really being spoiled today. He turns to face Jawn, concentrates on how wonderful this feels and a wave of white hot pleasure takes him over fairly quickly.

He blinks, palms firmly holding onto Jawn’s shoulders, and the venue bathroom is coming back into view as the fog from his brain dissipates. 

“Hey. You good?” Jawn inquires, standing back up and immediately fitting into Awsten's embrace. 

“Yeah. I love you,” he replies, looking up at the ceiling lights, still shaky and vulnerable, but knowing that with Jawn he doesn't have to pretend he's not. So sex fucks him up sometimes, makes him feel too much and all at the same time, but it's okay.

“I love you too,” Jawn says into Awsten's hair. He usually adds the word _ asshole, idiot, stupid _ or something totally nonsensical just to take the serious edge off the confession, but this time there's nothing, even though Awsten's waiting for it. He holds onto Jawn for a while longer, the rhythms of their hearts synchronizing, until his butt starts to hurt from leaning against the counter and his legs get a little cold. 

“Let's go, yeah? How's my hair?”

“Fucked,” Jawn quips, picking up his clothes and starting to put them on. “You know there's a mirror right behind you, yeah?”

Awsten sticks his tongue out at Jawn, quickly fixing his hair in the mirror anyway and picking up the soap dispenser he knocked into the sink earlier.

“So much for rockstar life,” pouts Jawn watching him do that.

“Well, maybe if we get to soundcheck on time I won't get kicked out of the band and then you can photograph me being an actual rockstar onstage later.”

“Sounds dope,” grins Jawn. “You might wanna put some clothes on first, though.”

*

People make choices. 

Awsten’s made plenty of questionable ones in his life.

However, looking back on them, he’s not sure whether they were wrong. Maybe if he hadn’t made them in the first place, he wouldn’t end up where he is. 

Finally onstage, in a nearly sold out venue in Phoenix or maybe Denver, he can never tell where he is with absolute certainty. Finally playing music he wrote with so much love for people who care about it, with Geoff by his side and Otto behind him, his best friends again, companions on this insane journey, for better and for worse. Finally sure that he’s on the right track to success as he understands it. Finally falling asleep and waking up next to someone he loves and trusts with his life, without any questions or doubts.

Dopamine overtakes his body, slightly blurring his vision as he steps up to the microphone and listens to the roaring crowd, stage lights flooding him.

He can’t be sure whether he’s going to hell when he dies or not. No one can know for sure, apparently.

So for now, Awsten’s just trying to live a good life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've been on this rollercoaster ride from the beginning until the end, shout out! Let me know you've made it.
> 
> If you've dropped me a like or a comment at any point, I love you forever.
> 
> If your name is Christie, this is for you. You kept asking me about this fic when I was ready to abandon it after chapter 1. Here we are now.
> 
> Thanks everyone for reading <3 Drop me a comment to tell me about things you loved and/or hated in the story! I like to talk.


End file.
